I Regret Wasting My Efforts On Him

It all started when I'd go into Yahoo! Chat teen rooms in middle school. I was immediately attracted to how sophisticated one user talked in the chat room, and three days later, we started "online dating." We'd always fight, but I fell in love, and I thought he felt the same way. Eventually, we stopped talking to each other, but still talked to each other every once in a while over the several years that passed. We did meet in person one time, four years after we met online, and had a great time together. However, we did not start "dating" again, not until two years later. Because of my own insecurity and immaturity, things dissolved quickly, but then I came back to him a few months later.

It started on New Year's Eve. Jeff had a small party at his house with his best friend, Stefan, and his best friend's girlfriend, Autumn. We were all drinking. Stefan was hitting on me the entire time I was there, and he was the one who got me drunk for the first time. It displeased me that Jeff allowed for this to happen, that he let Stefan try to kiss me so many times. This happened again later, at another small party. Stefan was trying to tear off my clothes right in front of Jeff, yet Jeff did nothing, even though we were dating. I could not believe it. I cannot believe that I even fell in love with Jeff again.

I was very insecure with Jeff, especially since he had somewhat recently left a serious relationship with another. During the entire time I stayed with Jeff, he was still missing his ex-girlfriend, Eleni. But I wanted to make him love me back, especially since a part of me had always him, ever since I met him online. I became the perfect girlfriend (or an ideal girlfriend)... I became his best friend, his confidant. I would always be there for him to talk to whenever he was upset (I believe he is clinically depressed, though he is not diagnosed). I skipped school and work to be with him. I defied my parents and slept over his house often. I rushed over when he started cutting himself. I cooked him food, gave him many presents, and showered him with affection all the time. I was very caring and loving with him. I ignored the way he treated me... I pretended the problems weren't there. He hardly treated me the way I wanted to be treated, but whenever he did, man oh man, was I in emotional bliss!

Toward the end of the so-called relationship, I asked him how far long he was in getting over his ex, Eleni. I guess he felt bad enough about the situation, because that was when he broke up with me and told me to find someone better. The way I reacted surprised me: I knew that I'd be heartbroken, I knew that I'd cry, but I never imagined that I would not STOP crying. I cried before we went to bed (I was sleeping over again), I cried when I woke up, I cried when I brushed my teeth, I cried while I attempted to eat breakfast, I cried as I packed my things, I cried as I hugged his parents good-bye, I cried as I hugged Jeff good-bye, I cried in my car on the way home. I cried when I arrived home, I cried as I washed my car, I cried as I showered. The end of the shell of a "relationship" made me feel as if my soul had been ripped apart, my heart torn from my body. Never had I ever felt such pain.

And what for? What was all of this for? I think I might have been trying so hard because I always wished and imagined myself being with Jeff forever, when we were younger. I suppose I was hoping it would become a reality when we became older and were able to be with each other physically. But I'm glad that he let me go, and I'm glad that I let him go. I know it's strange, but I've forgiven him for all of his misdeeds, and we are somewhat friends at the moment. I am hoping to stop by sometime this summer to give him and his parents a visit (I am also friends with his parents).

daydr3am daydr3am
22-25, F
3 Responses Jul 28, 2007

This is a sad,sad story but very familiar.They say love is blind and there never was a more accurate statement.When we love someone enough we are blind to their faults and to however badly they might treat us.I have feelings for a lady but I don't think she's even aware of it...I know how you feel and I'm so sorry for your pain :-(

Sometimes you have to forgive people for you, and not them. That's how I was finally able to forgive my ex, I realized that I had to do it for me. I agree, nightstar, why do bad guys have nice parents?? I loved this guy's dad, he was so nice, well is.. my mom is friends with him, that's how I met my now ex. Same with me and him we are now somewhat friends. Broken hearts really suck.:( But in the end they end up making you stronger. :)

This is a really sad story. I know how you feel though because I went through a similar experience. I hope things are better with you and that you know you will find someone who makes you happy. Why do bad guys always have the nicest parents?