Call Me a Self Depricating, Self Destructive, Masochist...

A while ago, I fell in love with someone. I wasn't looking to, it just sorta happened. A little background info: Publicly, I'm an introvert, I'm recovering from SAD, and ended a relationship with my child's mother at the beginning of the year. I tend to be straight, to the point, no-nonsense, logical, have the attention span of a gnat. I normally don't bother to "stick the pen in the company ink", it's just not my thing.

Then I met "S.".

I met her at my current employer, at the time, I wasn't looking to get involved with anyone, if anything, I tended to brush people off at the time.

It started with the usual casual flirting, then we both noticed we had a lot in common except for one thing, I like girls, and she likes girls.

To paraphrase her: "There's definitely chemistry", and in the weeks and months that followed, we definitely hit it off well. She never wanted to label what it was that we were doing, but she didn't seem to want to stop it either.
Somewhere along the line, I fell in love with her.

At some point, I let it slip how I felt about her.
That changed everything.

She immediately closed communication with me, without explanation, leaving me to guess at possible reasons for her behavior. I know I probably read too much into it, but according to her, and general observation (she gets hit on constantly at work), I'm the only male she's ever gotten that close to. There was some friction afterwards, and quite a few verbal salvos fired at each other, but we've come to an uneasy truce, and neither of us really wants to completely step away from the other.

She's younger than I am.

So the logical side of me is currently under conflict: Part of the time it tells me that she has either some emotional detachment or vulnerability issues, and that I should stay away. The rest of the time it tells me that she's at a point in her life when she's still exploring her own sexuality.
The emotional side of me has gotten to a point that I would rather have her in my life under her "conditions" than not.
The spiritual side of me, as well as her own comments and actions, tells me that she and I are soul-mates.

We both enjoy what time we spend with each other, whether it be in a bookstore, sitting around watching TV, talking, etc, and as long as the subject of defining our relationship doesn't come up, she's comfortable, and I'm happy.

She dates other women, and I'm OK with that I think, as she's told me it's not serious, but I still get brushed by a touch of jealousy. I think she knows this.
She reminds me of a vial of nitroglycerin, pure, clear, fluid, and safe as long as nothing disturbs her.

I feel "kept", and for an INTJ, that's torture in and among itself.

Any ideas?

"Wanting something I can never have"
ADisposableHero ADisposableHero
36–, M
3 Responses Jul 30, 2007

I'm an ISFJ

It almost seems like you've decided on your current course for the moment? <br />
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Sometimes, I think we are simply at where we are at, and we love until we stop, even if there is no particular hope. <br />
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That said, you could always test the waters and maintain her perception of your independence by going on a few dates yourself. (Good advice, but I'd never go through with it myself, being a hermit).<br />
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The other thought, I guess is working out if there is a specific problem with her being attracted to a man. If there is something between, it suggests she is more on the bisexual part of the spectrum than strictly being gay. I guess there are issues of how much of her identity is invested in being a lesbian, and whether or not she has any reservations about bisexuality because of previous bad experiences with men?

Why cant you have it, your ownly stopping your self, if something feels right and your not hurting anyone then I dont see the problem, I do know one thing in life, dont ever let go of an oppotunity when it passes your way, If it feels right, then grab it with both hands and hold on to it tight,If you are happy with her life style, then go for it, because we all lead different life styles, it dont mean either are wrong, what works for one may not work for another. xx