Left to Mend the Wound Alone...

We were together for 6 years. I loved him. He used me. I can't seem to get over the rejection after all this time. He wants NOTHING to do with me. Some people say ... GOOD, it is a blessing! But I can't seem to feel that way now. All I can think is why didn't he love me back? I feel like I failed. I couldn't get him to see what everyone else saw in me. I have focused 110% on him. I know it is not healthy. I don't know how to stop fixating on him. I mean really... I have not seen him since August. Have not spoken to him over the phone in 2+ weeks. But I can't get him out of my head!! It is sick, really. Everyday I am consumed with the anxiety that he has moved on and I can't.

In the 6 years we dated he beat me up several times. Yes, drugs were involved. But I know that should not matter. He cheated. Lied. Left me abandoned. Used me and left me to out to dry. I keep thinking that the next girl will get the better side of him while I was stuck with the evil dark side of him. I believe he could be great... but why did I make him so wrong??

He was everything I thought he wasn't and nothing I thought he could be.  But how do I stop worrying that he has found his perfect match and will treat her the way I wanted to be treated?? And I am still alone?!

Dying sounds better then knowing he is happy without me. And I am miserable without him.

rainmaker24 rainmaker24
26-30, F
3 Responses Feb 10, 2009

Thank you!

Dear Left to Mend the Wound Alone,<br />
<br />
No matter how good we think the odds are, love is a gamble that we all take. Please remember that. To have loved someone, to have cared for them, to have given them your precious emotional life, told them your deepest secrets, fears and dreams that very few will ever know, well that is courageous. <br />
<br />
You are to be commended that you allowed yourself to break off a piece of your heart and let it join to another's. And you did all of this without a guarantee of services or refund for damaged goods that would be standard in any shop today. I wish that loving someone was enough to make them love you back, enough to make them give you a piece of their heart but it doesn't work that way. Even in a successful relationship there is generally one partner that cares for the other partner more. <br />
<br />
Loving someone who doesn't love you anymore or has never loved you gives you a feeling of being out of control, doesn't it? You can't turn your love for them off just because they are finished with doing whatever it was they were doing with you. And you should be proud of that. Stand up tall and alright cry if you need to just remember that breaking a piece of your heart off is not just courageous but very difficult. Loving another soul, really loving someone and being attached to them in a healthy way is not a journey all people find easy. You are strong and courageous and most of all, you know how to love. <br />
<br />
Please don't loose that no matter how painful the hurt feels. No matter how out of control you feel or lonely or abandoned know that if you are strong enough to love and courageous enough to give that love to another person without a guarantee of love back, that you will come out of this not just alive but a life victor and obviously smarter about whom you give your heart. You might come out a little torn, maybe limping & hopping instead of flying, like an injured bird who will eventually take flight again. But please KNOW that his rejection does not mean you are not worthy of being loved. You have proved against logic and odds that you are strong, courageous and willing to love. That's a feat of ordinary human magic.<br />
<br />
Now in this moment you might still feel hurt. So feel what you feel, go off and cry until you don't have a tear left, play some sad songs or watch a movie and then call a friend to either be with you in your pain or help to curb it BUT stop hurting yourself with doubts that will never be answered. You can't control why another doesn't love you and often they don't know themselves. Let it go if you can. Let him go if you can. And if you can't then just start over again from the beginning with your healing. Feel your hurt and give it time to scab over, give it time. One step forward, possibly three back but keep at it. The hurt and pain is there for a reason. Listen to it. Carefully.<br />
<br />
And remember to tell yourself these things everyday: <br />
-I will let go of things I have no power or control over <br />
-I will love myself as well if not better than I loved him<br />
-I will treat every moment of my life with the joy & gifts with which I treated him and our love <br />
-I will take small vital steps towards my own self-contained happiness<br />
-I will be patient with myself, my emotions, my psyche and most of all my hurt<br />
-I will love myself unconditionally without a thought for his approval or anyone else's<br />
-I will love myself everyday until he is a distant fugue that can bring me no more pain<br />
<br />
You obviously deserve that love more than he ever did, so start working on giving it to yourself. In the meantime please don't call him, write, email, im or visit him. Don't be in places he's going to be or meet up with people who won't understand that you can't talk about him or hear about him (especially the good things.) Break free of all of it including the doubt. You can't make another person love you, you can't. And when the score is settled you end up only hurting yourself trying to change what isn't in your power to change. There’s no easy solution there’s just loving yourself enough to know that his inability to love you, though immeasurably painful, means nothing compared to the love you can give yourself.<br />
<br />
You are strong, courageous and willing to love. Eventually you will go out and find a man that is just as strong, courageous and willing to love. He'll show up when you've healed, when you've stopped asking why wasn't I good enough for love. You are, you always were, you just took it for granted that everyone else can do the ordinary human magic of love that you can do. That particular man just couldn't love you back. It doesn't matter why. I promise you. Don't waste your precious time and energy trying to figure out why. Cry, scream, go to a therapist, throw a pillow, heck throw some dishes (safely), take a kick-boxing class and imagine your opponent is him, get a voodoo doll and stick it with a pin every time you feel angry, hurt and abandoned but for your own sake don't wonder why another person couldn't love. It will just eat you up, waste your life energy and leave you in the same place you were in when he first said "goodbye."<br />
<br />
I give you kudos for making it through this, the pain, the rejection, the doubt and even then still being able to get up in the morning and take that first painful breath. Now give yourself a break and gently start to let him and the doubt go. Small step by step, make him a dim memory because you have love left to give and you deserve some love and magic aimed directly at you. I bet you have a ton of it coming. Good luck and I wish you the best in healing.

he was blind n deaf dats why