Always I'm a ****** Moron ...

Always I'm a ****** moron like that
tactlessandsarcastic tactlessandsarcastic
22-25, F
10 Responses Jan 20, 2007

Sorry to be so self-involved. I haven't let this story out, in full, ever. I've been filtering it to friends (to protect his privacy).<br />
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In essence, after my long, emotional missive, I too love someone who does not, can not and will never love me back.<br />
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You are not alone, clearly. I wish I could help you.

And you know what is worse? He suffers from ED. I was patient and understanding with him and we made really great progress naturally. He says it was because he trusts me.<br />
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With his current GF (whom he would not be able to be with if he and I hadn't met) he ran out and got medical help. She gets to make love to him and I am left alone. <br />
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I feel like I gave him so much and got shafted. I feel like God has abandoned me.<br />
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I am in a boat load of pain. It's been 5 months since we dated (and we only dated for 5 months ... slowly, nothing overly passionate ... in part because I was frustrated by his ED but didn't want to let him know because I thought it would add too much pressure) and I still feel anxious every day. I miss him but know that our break up was absolutely necessary! I would not have made the necessary changes to my life if we hadn't. I am profoundly disappointed that our chance to be great together floundered.<br />
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He is 100% positive that I am not the person for him despite his affection and care for me.<br />
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What do I do? How do I rid myself of this anxiety and move on already!?! Why am I stuck?

I love someone that could never love me back. He is the first person, ever, that I thought I could be with. I'm 41 years old. He is omni-intelligent and I could not keep up with him intellectually. Largely because I've been out of academia for 15 years and he is currently completing his PhD. We both care for each other, but our date-ship "did what it was supposed to do" namely: I showed him that he is lovable (he was single for 10+ years) which makes me fell MORE unlovable given that our break up and his tack that I could not give him what he needed (namely intellectual stimulation). He served as a catalyst for my returning to academia (hopefully that begins in 2 months) which is very necessary for me. Being with him, listening to him, wanting him but choking on all of my ideas and arguments in his presence (still do) made me seem too quiet for him. I am devastated because I thought that getting to know one another would work best on a slow path. I needed time. I felt intimated by his knowledge, articulation (he is the most eloquent orator I have ever met and the consensus amongst everyone that meets him states the same). His breaking up with me strengthened him. I broke me in ways I could not conceive a few months ago. He was so pathetic when I met him. I saw that he needed to know that he was lovable. I gave that to him. And now I am obsessed with him and an unlovable loser. He now has a new girlfriend who is perfect for him: she's a PhD candidate in the same department as him (they have the intellectually stimulating and challenging conversations that I couldn't give to him), she's intelligent, articulate, very attractive and they clearly are very, very, very passionate together. While I am very happy for him (he truly deserves it) I am falling apart. I live in a chronic state of anxiety and depression. I have to watch their relationship grow on Facebook too. The pain is unbearable and there is nothing I can do.<br />
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He remains good to me, but from a distance, obviously. The fact that he is good to me, makes me love him all the more. We have a innate trust bond that still exists. I thought that trust would be the foundation for our building a relationship. In the way that love is not enough, even trust is not enough.<br />
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I have tried jogging, meditation, prayer, and reaching out to friends (who are sick and tired of my moaning about him ... "just get over it" ... I wish I could) to divert my attention but any minor relief that is born has not been sustainable. The worst is when I wake up. He is foremost in my thoughts. Now that I've met her I see them both, loving one another, and I feel like complete and utter hell. <br />
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I am so lonely and unlovable. Even my therapist has not been able to grasp that I have a problem here. I'm not sure if it's an attachment disorder, obsessive disorder, or if I am simply a pathetic person. At any rate, the little help the therapist has passed on to me has dissipated. <br />
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I am not unintelligent just been living and working in superficial ways for too long. I am thrilled to be heading back into academia but know that it's not enough to engage him right now. I've always, always, loved school and intellectual debate. Again, I lost all of that when I returned to the work force. So the good that came out of all of this: he discovered that he is lovable (and that is working very well for him) and I discovered that my life path needed to change and that academia is where I belong. My current job has kept me anchored to depression and worse, the crux of my misery has been the complete lack of mental stimulation and challenge in all of my jobs. Academia feels right.<br />
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Sadly, we gave each other very powerful, life changing lessons (he tells all of his friends that I have made the most important contribution to improving his life). Even worse, the trust bond we have, and life changing contributions we've made for one another are not enough.<br />
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I need to get away from him but I don't want to lose him from my life either.<br />
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I am tired of the circuitous thoughts, and drastically reduced self-esteem. I am exhausted by the emotional trauma I experience when I see him or when I read their amorous happiness on FB. I thought that it would be good for me to see these missives on FB ... that it would force me to face reality and move on. It hasn't. I am entirely all too pathetic.

Ah - it could be worse...you could be in love with a married person. That would be worse. :) chin up.

dont shortchange yourself. people do make a moron of themselves once in a while in different ways, but some go beating themselves all over the place about it. get over the hiccup, dont live it, dont dwell on it.

U r not a moron.u r capable of loving.Most of us find ourselves in that situation not that we r stupid but we always try to see good in other people.I was fooled by this guy for 4 years.When we broke up he told me in my face that he never loved me and the only thing he's sorry about is that he wasted my time,I Qoute "I'm sorry i should have told you sooner,"said the moron.NOW THAT"S A MORON FOR YOU!

if u really think u r ******* moron........just don't be once and see

I am sorry for your lose but you should let things like this beat you up they should STRENGHTEN you maybe next time look for obvious clues that may lead you to your true love and not the average guy who walks up and compliments your butt just hope for true love and it shall come but be patient I promise you

Hmm. Give us some details. Perhaps one of us here can help. There's usually a simple reason for serial relationship failures.

Perhaps you not.