I Had Him... Once.
Owen.... I've known him for four almost five years now. The first time I started to have feelings for him was sophomore year of highschool. I was young and naive and incredibly he like me too. We had a crazy relationship for five months, but I suddenly decided I wanted to see what else was out there. He felt he was in love with me so he took it pretty hard (although I personally do not believe either of us had the emotional maturity at the time to understand what love was)
Through the next few years we went back and forth between hating each other and being the best of friends. Now, I don't know if through all that time I really had no feelings for him or if I just secretly hid them, but I honestly could not stand the guy.
Then when college started and we were five hours away something strange happened... we became closer then we ever were before. We talked everyday about everything. Most of it was him telling me all his relationship woes and me secretly thinking that I could make it all better. I think it was a slow process that made me finally realize that I loved him, and consequently I never saw it coming. One day I just said to myself "I love him."
One day we were talking as we normally did, and he revealed to me that he also had feelings for me. He started saying corny stuff like "knowing you (me) are alive makes me happy" or "I can just see us sitting on a couch and holding one another." Truly very sappy stuff and I just ate it all up. My sister told me to watch out for the guys who always knew what to say and I did not want to listen.
I became more and more obsessed with him. I would think about him every waking second and dream about him at night. I would eagerly await for him to come online so I could talk to him, even staying up all hours of the night just watching my computer screen. I was completely enamored and knew of no way out except to be with him. I knew we were five hours away and I didn't care, I just wanted to be with him.
We decided to see each other over spring break. I looked forward to this for weeks and when the day finally came I was so nervous and wanted to look absolutely perfect. We spent the day at his house and finally before I left he kissed me. I was so excited I wanted to sing and cry all at the same time. I was awash in all my daydreams and fantasies believing they were finally going to come true... Later that night we were once again talking online and he tells me that he does not want to be with me; one because of the long-distance, but primarily, two, because of a girl back at school he was "talking to." It was devastating, I had known all along the long-distance would be an issue but I felt that if our feelings were strong enough we could do it. I was at least willing to try. But the fact that his primary reason was another girl drove me insane. I couldn't understand what I was lacking and I immediately figured that there was something inherently wrong with me and that nobody would love. A little childish perhaps, but that was the way I felt.
I went back to school determined to get over him and move on... easier said than done. I held on to the thought that once summer came we would give this relationship a real chance and I would finally feel the happiness I had dreamt of. We fought constantly. I, steadfast in the way I felt; him, flighty as always. He would draw me in and push me away. I stupidly took the abuse attributing it to the distance.
Slowly my resolve to stick by him waned and by the time summer came I was determined to let him see quite clearly what he had missed out on. We hung out and I made myself as beautiful as I knew how. He sat me down and told me how sorry he was for what he put me through the previous semester and started talking the talk once more, and finally, though it took awhile to my credit, he drew me in once more. We started dating and I thought I couldn't be happier. I tried so hard to make those feelings for him disappeared and when I needed them to the most, they resurfaced and there was nothing I could do.
We dated for six weeks and I believe I was only happy for two of those weeks. He was constantly busy with classes he was taking during the summer and work, and there was no way I could fit into that busy schedule. He never called me and was constantly out with his friends on his free time. Most of the stuff we did together I had to orchestrate. It may have been my deep-seated insecurity that made me so unhappy, but I can't believe that his attitude towards our relationship helped how I felt.
I always knew that eventually we would be five hours apart when school started, but again, I knew that I would try to make it work... but would he? I approached the subject a few times and he just moved onto something else, until finally I forced him to give me an answer. Would he or would he not be able to continue this relationship once school started? He tried everything he could to avoid answering the question, even trying to make me answer for him. I saw that for what it was and he eventually told me that "no, [he] could not." I had to stop talking to him because I was so angry.
Later that night he sent me a message on facebook telling me how he never had any intention of having this relationship continue after the summer, that he only wanted a "casual" relationship. The way I interpeted that was that he was lonely and simply wanted a cuddle buddy. I will never understand how he thought that could be ok with me, when I had been so vocal about my feelings for him.
Eternally the people pleaser, I believe he was trying to make me happy, as we were friends, even though he did not love me. I finally saw it for what it was and broke up with him. He said something very ironic to me while we were having this conversation. He said "I used to be madly in love with you but you wanted nothing to do with it." Oh, if only that were true now. I had him, but didn't want him; And now I want him, but can't have him.