The 15 Year Crush: Recently updated

 

This is a long story. I hope it's not too long for the forum but I just can't tell it any other way. Sorry.

It's hard to know where to start. So I guess the beginning would be a good place. 15 years ago I was in my office at work, taking a break and just staring out of the window. When suddenly a young, very gorgeous woman walked past my window along the sidewalk. She was wearing wrinkled clothes that looked like they had just come out of the hamper and nothing matched. It made me chuckle. At the same moment I was thunderstruck, completely hooked. I felt as though I had known this woman all of my life, not just casually but in an intimate, close way. Yet I had never even met her. I felt this very strong feeling that we were either meant to be together or that we would be together. The feelings were overpowering. I had to meet this woman. I have never before or since felt this way about anyone. From that day forward until today she has been on my mind almost every day. I wake up in the morning and the first thought that pops into my mind is about her, I think about her all day and she's the last thought I think about when I close my eyes at night.

Eventually I found a way to meet her. She worked in my building, right down the hall from my office. And when I finally met her the second thing I noticed after her very beautiful eyes was the engagement ring. Disappointment doesn't begin to describe how I felt. What difference did it make anyway? She would never go out with me. I wasn't in her 'league', I was too short (5"2"), not hot at all, didn't have a lot of money. At least that's what I told myself.

Well, two years went by and I went outside one nice spring day for a break and there she was sitting on a bench looking very sad and depressed. As I approached I noticed the engagement ring was gone. So I asked her why she looked so sad. She had broken her engagement. She explained that the guy never treated her very well, he made her feel bad about herself, was very critical of how she acted and put her down all the time. Looking back now I realize that what I said next was a mistake. I asked her if she wanted to go out and do something, dinner, movie, coffee, anything. To my surprise she said yes.

The day came for me to pick her up for our date (which I found out later wasn't a date, I'll explain later) on the drive over I made a promise to myself, I kept repeating it out loud to myself, "I'm not going to try to seduce her into sex". In my younger years, before I got married (I was divorced when I met the woman I'm writing about) I was a very typical male, couldn't wait for the sex, and then wanted to leave. Every time I did this to a woman I felt tremendously guilty. Eventually, long before I met this woman or my ex-wife I stopped doing that. I came to believe it was wrong. I didn't want that for this woman. I wanted to know her completely, to love her, to be with her, not just for sex but because I believed she was special. When I looked at her I felt like I could see past her body, into her soul and what I saw was beautiful. Crazy huh? I know. But I was right. Anyway, we went on our date. I don't remember if it was on our first date or the next but she seduced me. Yes, she seduced me, my mind was telling me to stop, but I couldn't. Six weeks later it was over, all of it. On our last evening together, after sex, she rolled over and with her face buried in the pillow she shouted, "I can't do this anymore". Instantly I felt bad that she was feeling so terrible and hurt that somehow there was something disgusting about me that would make her feel that way. She never explained why she said what she said or felt what she felt. I said that it was fine with as long as I could still be a part of her life. That I care deeply for her and sex had nothing to do with it.

Although I saw her now and again, communicated by email and lunches in the park, I felt like she wanted me to disappear. I didn't handle it well at all. I kept trying and she kept pushing me away. At one point she told me that she just wasn't relationship material. (One of many excuses that I didn't believe). A couple of months later she's emailing asking me if she should go to Sweden or Switzerland with a guy she met on-line but never met in person. Not long after that, on the day after Christmas one year, after not hearing from her or running into for long while she comes into my office, beaming, shows me a diamond wedding and says that she just got married and that a mutual friend of ours told her that she should tell me. I was devastated, I tried to hide it and said I was happy for her and wished her well. I didn't see her much after that except to run into her from time to time and didn't make any more attempts to contact her. That Spring I ran into her at the park during a lunch hour. She was sitting down looking sad and depressed just like the day I first asked her out. She explained that after six months of marriage things were not going well. We talked for a while, I tried to give her the best advice I could without being self serving. It wasn't easy. I tried to give her the same advice I would give anyone in her situation. After that I ran into her from time to time but that eventually faded away and there was a long period of time when I didn't see. Still every day I thought about her, morning noon and night. After a couple of years the constant thoughts about her began to feel like torture, I couldn't stop them. I tried to keep myself busy, I tried to convince myself that she was probably an evil b***ch. In desperation I tried talking to her saying things like, "get out of my head" (crazy I know). I tried to hate her. Nothing worked. Eventually I just submitted to the thoughts and let them happen. Now they are a part of my everyday life, like thinking about what I have to do on a particular day. They are part of the normal scenery of my mind. They have become old familiar friends, a comfort to me, it's the closest I can get to her. Or so I thought.

Two years ago a new building was erected  my office and her office were move into the new building into the same suite. I see her every day now. My premonition from 15 years ago had come true. Not the way I had hoped but I see her every day. She's divorced now.  I want so badly to try again with her. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid because of our past history and because it's a work environment. Workplace romances are difficult at best. I don't want to create a situation where we both feel uncomfortable being at work. So I just have little chats with her and try to get to know her better and hope she's getting to know me better. Her birthday just past and I gave her a card and gift. A small gift, a book. Inside the front cover I wrote a little something that ended with "I look forward to coming to work every day because of you". I left on her desk early in the morning. Later that morning she came into my office beaming and happy, thanking me for the card and asking if I meant what I wrote. I said says of course. I was surprised that she acknowledged the card at all, it was uncharacteristic of her. In the past she ignored such things.

Well, today I had to work for a couple of hours at an information table at a fair. At one point during my time there I had this thought that she would show up there today with a male friend. I don't know why I had that thought, but I did. An hour later she walked through the door with a male companion. My heart dropped. I wanted to slip out the back door and run. Well she saw me and got all happy and excited and came over to my table, chit, chat, chit, chat and oh by the way this is my friend so and so. I tried to seem unaffected and glad to see her. I wasn't surprised of course, but I was hurt, sad. I knew she would dating, not factually, but I know her well enough to know she can't stay away from men very long, just me. Over the next hour or so I felt very anxious, like a caged animal, I just wanted to escape that place, run as far away from there as I could. My relief finally showed up, I was putting on my coat and preparing to leave not knowing she was close by and saw me getting ready to leave. She came running over, literally, holding her friends hand this time and ask for her coat back. We exchanged a few words, I tried to act normal but felt rushed. I said my good byes and told her male friend it was nice meeting him and I rushed out. Arriving at my car I felt some relief. Although I've come to accept that she has no interest me and I have made peace with the situation I still have a difficult time knowing that she's seeing other men and I have a particularly hard time seeing her with other men.

On the way home I prayed for God to take these feelings I have for her away. I don't want to love someone that I can only look at but never be with. (I'm not a religious man)

I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I just want it to go away.

March 2, '09

Update: I forgot to mention that last summer I underwent emergency surgery and found out that I had been living with a condition that could have killed at any moment. I was hospitalized for 2 weeks and recuperating at home for 2 months after. While in the hospital 2 women from work came to visit, one came twice. Of the 2 I barely know one of them, she's new in the office. Well, the woman in the story above works in the same office. She knew I was in the hospital and why. I should also say that I lost 15 pounds and looked like I was near death. I'm sure the 2 women who visited went back to the office and told everyone. The woman of my pain never visited me, called either when I was in the hospital or at home, or even send a card. I should have been so angry that I refuse to speak to her again about anything unless it has something to do with work. But no, not me, it didn't phase me one bit. I still doesn't. Sometimes I feel like a really sick puppy.

 

 

searcherjv searcherjv
56-60
15 Responses Feb 22, 2009

Ok then. I guess you are screwed. She doesn't want you. She's probably incapable of commitment. Sees you as a short scrub instead of a good guy.<br />
<br />
She'll get what's coming to her. No man she's interested in will make her happy. Sit back and enjoy the show.

Tree years later: you have no idea how right you are about her. You're very insightful.

I did.

On a side note, I was shattered. TKO.<br />
<br />
But that's ok. I shouldn't have had sex with someone I wasn't committed to.

Uh... but don't do that if you can't look her in the eyes while saying it. If she makes you look down, it'll be over. You need to mean it! You have to tell the truth and say it with confidence.<br />
<br />
I did this with my ex. She started crying. Then she left and never talked to me again. But I don't regret doing it. It was the only way to know for sure whether I could have her. She just did not love me. Quitters suck, but what can you do? I told her what I felt, and she just didn't want it. Don't let her behavior toy with you.

Don't be a *****.<br />
<br />
Tell her you love her. You've loved her for 15 years. You've watched her go through heartbreak after heartbreak. And you think you can be the man of her dreams.<br />
<br />
Tell her you want to marry her. Care for her. Make sure she has a roof over her head, even if her whole life goes sour. Make her happy. Give her a bed to sleep in that will never be empty. And tell her you want her to be with you FOREVER!!<br />
<br />
Then see what she does.

I have.

Tell her you love her.

Thanks for the suggestion.

She loves someone else<br />
<br />
I had hoped after her divorce I might have a chance with her. I've loved her for 13 years, been in love with her. I see her everyday and I told myself this was a good thing, I get to see her 5 days a week it has been wonderful. I've been feeling great. But I just found out that she's with someone else and she's in love. The crazy thing is I always suspected it, I knew it would happen eventually. She's not one to sit around, she really enjoys men (except me obviously). I feel like someone blew a huge hole in my gut. Odd, I should feel this way. Right? But I can't help it.

Well, I thought I was handling this well. But, as time goes by by it gets more difficult being around her everyday and not being able to be with her. There are times when I wish I could literally cut the feelings I have for K. right out of my body and never feel anything for her again. I'm at the point where I wish the feelings would just go away.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I think I have come out on the other side. I don't feel pain about her like I did when I wrote the first story.<br />
Somewhere out there is someone who can see me and take my mind off of K.<br />
I sincerely believe that I'm a better man for having loved anyone even if it is unrequited, than never to have felt it at all.<br />
Best of luck to you and I hope you find some peace as well.

Searcherjv, thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. You have taken on such a burden I can only imagine what you are feeling. I only hope I can bear this burden with such poise as yourself.<br />
I think maintaining the naivete and blindness is the only way to remain at peace while confronting your pain. <br />
Lets hope to come out of the other side....

Thank you Dedre and MagicWolf for sharing. It helps to know I'm not alone. Sometimes I feel like there's something wrong with me you know? But then I remind myself that everyone owns their own feelings, because she doesn't 'see me' the way I want her to is a fact that exists inside of her. A kind of blindness. It's not because of me or anything I did. I've watched this woman get hurt by men she chose while looking right past me and each one did the same kinda things to hurt her. From where I sit she keeps choosing the same person in different bodies. Different men with the same personalities. She posts on a different board and guess what? In her words "all men" are ****** [my word] because of the jerks SHE CHOSE to be with. Now I ask you who's got somethin' wrong with them, me or her? I don't know who I feel more sympathy for, her or me? No I do.....her! LOL. Your right MagicWolf..bullshit..thanks for the encouragement.

I have fallen in love only one time in my entire life. I didnt know it till i met what i thought was my soulmate. I stopped at the same gas station everyday to buy smokes on my way home from work. i met a gal that worked third shift there and became friends with her. we would chat for a couple hours every day and i got to looking forward to our chats. She was what I considered an incredibly beautiful woman. at the time I was unhappily married for 13 years but faithful to my wife. As time went on we became closer friends and of course exchanged many daily things that you would normally talk about with your spouse. Simple things like daily occurences etc. I am an avid motorcyclist and ride often deep into the winter season. My new friend was also a huge bike fan also and was attracted to my as she put it biker persona. My wife did not enjoy motorcycles at all and hence never got involved with riding with me. My new friend had been bugging me to come by and give her a ride for a couple months so one beautiful sunday i agreed to pick her up at her house and go for a ride. Nothing more nothing less. Which we did. i took her on a day long trip to a friend of mines place who had a small museum. We had a wonderful day and parted ways and i went home. Belive it or dont but at this time i had no intimate feeling for this gal due to the fact i was faithfully married. We were just very close friends who could go sit by the river and just talk all afternoon about nothing. Well two weeks after our ride my buddie had sent a postcard thanking me for visiting his museum with my new friend! Needless to say my wife didnt find me out riding with another woman too palatable. Which under the current situation I could understand. Long story short I ended up leaving my wife and divorcing her later. After I seperated from my wife my lady friend offered me a sleeping room upstairs in her house for a temporary place to stay. Since i was living at a motorlodge and paying the bills at home still it would save me a ton of money so I agreed. Well as most of you already have figured out it turned into a romance and then disaster. After I moved in i payed her bills all up to date took her two children on as my own and pretty much settled in for a dream life or so i thought. 8 months went by and i noticed she was really tapping the old bank account which was stressed already paying the bills in two homes one with kids. Thats when i noticed we were not so close all of a sudden. she started having reasons to go out at night or be gone when I got home and just all around not herself. Well i should have listened to her parents from the beginning. they warned me she was a user and would hurt me in the end. To keep this from getting majorly longer i will just cut to the chase. I came home from work one night and she and her best friend were there drinking wine. She wanted to follow her girlfriend home and make sure she made it because she had her new child with her. i said sure and to take my pickup to save her gas. Off they went. she should have been gone all of maybe a half hour. After two hours i called her girlfriend who informed me she had left right away after seeing her home. now of course i became real worried. After a couple more hours past i called around to everybody i knew she knew and then hospitals police etc. Nothing. i was frantic and couldnt leave cause I had her kids. I got her girlfriend to come back over and I went looking for her. well she showed up the next morning all worn out and looking like a fresh f**ked fox.<br />
Said she fell asleep drunk after leaving her girlfriends house in somebodies driveway. Now i kid you not folks love is blind! i wanted to believe her so bad that I let it go! Let it friggin go! How stupid is that. well needless to say I found out a week later from her girlfriend that she was at her ex husbands all night screwing him in my truck wearing $600 of fancy lingerie i had bought her a couple weeks before. I was crushed! My so called soulmate the woman i wanted to spend the rest of my life with whose children I took on and loved as my own had betrayed me with her ex who's favorite pastime was to beat knots on her face and beat the children on a regular basis. Now I'm a pretty reasonable guy but that just didnt make any sense to me. And he wasnt even the father of her kids. I know i should have seen all this crap before but you dont when your blinded by love. You want to believe. Well That was 8 years ago and I'm still a bit chapped but healing quite well thank you took forever but I am. So I guess in closing Searcherjv it happens we just gotta go on and do the best we can with what we have to work with. Know this tho even tho our stories are unique they really arent. Its all the same bullshit that has been happening forever. We are just a bit more aware and can detect it quicker! LOL! your not alone tho and thats a good thing!

My condolences about your misery.<br />
To think I felt bad when it took me almost 8 years or so to finally realize I couldn't hurt anymore and stop everything, even friendship; I couldn't imagine going almost twice that long.