It Hurt - a Physical, Pounding Throb Every Heartbeat.

This is about the effect that another's story has had on my life due to our lives intertwining. 

Its about a girl named Emma, her voice is extremely powerful; think of the most projective and momental Gospel singers you've ever heard and you've got her. Her problem is that she looks like your average dumb blonde. I saw past it - I found a very loving person inside, but more on that later. 

A long time ago, my parents forced my brother and I to go to Church. It was terrible. I was always outcast since most of the kids there went to Christian schools and had limited perspectives on the world; their parents had raised them in a box. Emma had grown up in this box too - but she had always been told she was ugly, and so doubted that there really was a God up there. It was this doubt that helped bring us together. We would sit and talk about the hipocracy we both saw in the Church and in Christians that we saw. Emma was 20 years old at this point in time. 

My own 'spirituality' was developed by the horrid fear of failure and constant guilt trips. I shared this with Emma, and when I eventually branched into Depression due to prolonged exposure to Christianity...Emma and I became best friends. She had been down the same road - when she was younger, she had become depressed - had even at one stage become suicidal. She was the very first person I told that I had tried to kill myself, and I still remember that moment. It was a defining moment - standing there in the dry, grassy field next to the Church. She held me in her arms - something that no girl had ever really done unless I hugged them first. 

She had leapt on me and held me as though she could fix everything with just this. This memory almost brings tears to my eyes. Its a hard story to tell this one - but I have to tell it. 

The following Church sundays and Youth Fridays I think we grew closer still - until I was regularly spending time at her house. We would watch weird movies that Emma found funny with her dark sense of humour. With so much time spend together it was inevitable. We fell for each other. This was during a period of my life where I actually had a girlfriend - I was fifteen years old. Emotionally, I became a wreck. I grew depressed everytime I left Emma's house since I knew I could never be with a 20 year old. That and I couldn't bear the thought of the girl I was with having a broken heart - I didn't want to throw her away for another, or cheat on her and pretend everything was okay. 

One fine day, I went to Emma's. It happened. We revealed that we both grew sad after we left every time. We had an awkward hug, sitting side by side and feeling like the weight of the world was down on our shoulders. Life was terrible. 

I am pretty sure that somewhere near this point, I was seeing a psychologist to help with my Depression, along with taking Anti-Depressants. Emma said she hadn't been able to take them due to her being sensitive to the side-effects. 

The next time I saw her - we could fight it no longer, and I still remember sitting alone and crying, thinking I would never ever be able to show Emma my love. For some reason - the song "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen came to mind. Even thought it has nothing to do with love really...it seemed like it was like a symbol for happiness - and it indicated something that I would never have. I'm not sure - Depression plays tricks with your mind. 

When we finally lie on her bed and kissed for the first time it was a truly beautiful moment, she clung to me like the world was ending - and if it had of, I would have died a very happy man. Since that would have ommited the tragedies and confusions which were to follow. 

Emma and I engaged in a secret relationship, it gradually grew more and more passionate until she got uncomfortable and broke it off. Basically, it had been boiled down to her choosing God or me - since she found it impossible to abandon her Christian roots. She threw our love away to pursue Holiness. I was lucky enough to be more mentally stable by this point, or this surely would have driven me over the edge. 

Fast-forward ahead about 3 years. I receive an e-mail from Emma letting me know that she is curious as to how my life turned out. I let her know, and when we finally meet up. It resurfaces all of the old feelings I once had for her. My mind begins to whirl with thoughts of romance and utter passion. I wanted her to be mine - I wanted her to love me again; but reality has a way of eating your dreams. 

She shared no such feelings, since her life had been terrible - very plain and monotonous, due to her waiting for God to make her life magically 'happen' for her, rather than take things into her own hands. I felt so sorry for her, but realized that she deserves no better - she isn't really the dream that I created her to be in my head. Just another Blonde in a crowd of monotony. 

I was heart-broken for the second time over her, but after a week or two of deep depression I managed to put myself back up on two feet. I've given up on finding Romance anytime soon. It takes time and I just can't see it happening. I have a long, lonely life laid out in front of me, and the thought of it bores and saddens me. I manage - I study, do a little writing on my Novel every now and again...but I'm so self-doubting due to this lack of love. Am I really that hard to love? What hurt the most was the kiss goodbye - it had been so sweet. 

Goodbye Emma. 

She will be a memory. Like many other girls - and that upsets me. I don't want a long list of names and experiences that I can't share. I want to get feedback, there is no way to know if something is good or not unless you get a second opinion. I want to have a constant second opinion by my side. I need to hear a voice other than my own. I'm sick of talking to myself just to stave of the feeling that I will go insane unless I hear the sound human speech. So many heartbreaks...so many people loved when they didn't love me. My heart is tired. I'm tired. And I'm only 18 for ***** sake. I feel like I'm going mad. 

 

 

Maul Maul
18-21, M
Mar 7, 2009