Not the One...i Hope

Ever go through life just making the motions? You try to not care about anything in the hopes that the pain will go away and that you can forget everything that has happened. You don't worry about tomorrow because that would require thinking about where you are currently in life. It's not easy living just in the present. Especially for me, a dreamer. It goes against the grain but it's the only way I feel like I can survive from day to day.

I used to be a happy person. Laid back, carefree, and always optimistic. Now all I feel is frustration, anger, sadness, hopelessness, despair, and regret. It's not who I am. Most people would say, dude, you need help, you are extremely depressed. And you know, they are right. But I know why I am this way. I know the events that brought me to this point and I know the things that keep me here. I know the way out but it is currently blocked by the situation I'm in.

I fell in love with someone I shouldn't have. Someone that I had no right loving. At first, everything was great and she reciprocated the feelings towards me but somehow things went tragically wrong. Well...I know how it happened - a lot of miscommunication, misunderstanding, and interferrence by other people. So now, I've lost one of the most amazing people I have ever known. As lame and poetic as it sounds, she turned my life around. She made me see things which I had forgotten about and put color back into my life. I used to wake up everymorning with her name on my lips and whisper goodnight to her when I put my head back down at night. ...she used to do the same. Now, it's all gone and with it the color and joy I felt. I know I should just get on with life and be thankful that I had the small amount of time that I did with her. I should be thankful that she gave me that briefest bit of happiness and color. But to go from color to black and white is a very very difficult thing to accept. To know that if only we had been clearer and if only other people hadn't interferred, there would still be color and joy; that is something very painful to know indeed.

While I mourn losing her and want nothing more than to hold her in my arms once again (something that will never be), I also feel some anger towards her. Anger at showing me the truth from which I had been hiding. Anger at having opened my eyes to see how unhappy I truly am. Anger at showing me that I had not been following my heart or my dreams...and now that I have had my eyes opened - I try to follow my dreams and I despair that I will ever be able to find the person I've truly been searching for.

For you see, as much as I loved this person, she wasn't the person that I should have been looking for. I love her for being my friend and being someone I could talk to and hold but she wasn't the One...or at least I hope she wasn't - because if she was, then what is the point since I have lost her. What is the point of searching if I have found her already and now, because of what has happened, because of the differences that lie between us, we can never be together? How do I move on from that? How do I turn my back on someone who inspired me so deeply that I, someone who thought the whole idea of God and Heaven a myth, started to believe? How do I accept the fact that the person who was able to just march through every single barrier I had ever put in place to protect who I truly am is now gone? She threw open the curtains I had hidden my heart behind and came in like she owned the place. There was no resisting her. She made my heart her home and as quickly as she came...she left. And I'm left searching through the emptiness for some sign of hope - some sign that there is a point to what happened. How do I put everything back together when I don't want to change anything because I want her to come back. I need to move on but her presence lingers and despite telling myself that I need to forget her, I keep finding traces and echos of her in my heart and my soul and my dreams. How do you let go of that which you love? How do you give up hope on someone who changes you so dramatically and for the better? How do you cease hurting every day and every night when she haunts your thoughts and dreams? How do you go on with your life as it was when she opened another door and showed you another way, a better way to go and then slammed that door shut? I don't know yet.

I used to compose songs for her. I used to end our conversations every night with a goodnight wish for her. I wish I could still do that. I wish I still had her in my arms. Unfortunately, reality strongly disagrees with fantasy. How do I keep looking for my One after being hurt so badly? I pray she really wasn't "The One" and yet....i so so strongly believe that she was.

So I live my life day to day. I try not to think about the past (and yet it stomps through my mind and soul every day). I try not to think about the future (and yet I see every possibility with her in it) and live only for the present (impossible for a dreamer such as I). There is no joy. There is no happiness. There is no way to go forward without accepting the past. What was had and now is lost can never be regained without some cost. The price I pay for loving as I did shall be paid each day for as long as I shall live. Her heart beats freely; mine in pain. I loved her dearly; she never felt the same.

KnightBlade KnightBlade
41-45, M
1 Response Mar 7, 2009

Hiya rxc94, let's have a hug first of all......right, still a bit tense then, the old shoulders are hunched up and it's not easy to get past that huge wall of emotions you have built up around yourself and I must say rxc94, it's very have built up a lot of emotions and i feel humbled that you chose to share a lot of your feelings with me (amongst others of course, I'm not that special!) anyway, after reading this I picked up that you have a talent for prosaic writing, subjectivity aside, you can put pen to paper and create images. I'm sure you must know this as you admit to composing songs for her (lucky gal). But listen, what i picked up more than anything was the issue that in the beginning you describe yourself as a 'happy person, laid back, carefree, and always optimistic' and they are facets of your personality as much as the 'frustration, anger, sadness, hopelessness, despair, and regret' that you are now feeling. It's too trite to say that there is a need here to jumble up the feelings a bit, but it's always best to strive toward a balance of feelings, the ying/yang thing. You are describing extremes of feelings, it's one or the other, you are either happy or you're sad and there's no in between. well rxc94, if it helps (unless like an artist trying to achieve the impossible and it is necessary for you to feel in extremes) every day try to experience a balance, so for the times you are wracked by hurt, anger etc make yourself feel some small aaah factor, read some stories on EP, my God things are put in perspective on this site. read something that is funny, or take 15 minutes to come up with the wittiest caption for the day. Hold onto your feelings rxc94 they are what makes you a whole person, not the person who's always happy, that's not real life. I read somewhere that all life is pain, but we don't always have to feel it. It may be my day today and yours tomorrow......