'A Mighty Pain to Love It Is'

 A mighty pain to love it is,
And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain.

- Abraham Cowley

     I didn't know where to start, so I resorted to stealing someone else's words. I love someone. I have felt it grow from affection into a deep, throbbing emotion. Her and I are the best of friends, we share so much with one another, and there is this wonderful connection there - something beyond a romantic love - which she feels too. We just . . . work well together. We finish one anothers' thoughts, silence isn't boring or awkward, mundane experiences aren't. There's no doubt she doesn't feel close to me this way, but she either doesn't or isn't willing to love me. I'd rather not love her, I told her so. I value our friendship, sometimes it's the only thing that makes me feel relatively happy in life. I wouldn't like to lose it because my feelings towards her become too much for either of us to deal with. I'm not quite sure what point I'm trying to make in all of this, I suppose it's just a rambling harangue.

     The reason that I'm so affected over this - beyond obviously unrequited love being the absolute worst thing in the world - is that maybe two and a half years ago I fell in love for the first time. Really in love, I'd thought I'd fallen in love before, but this was overwhelming, I could feel it in my fingertips, itching. That love was returned, and she loved me as strongly. But we were both young then, and I suppose couldn't deal with feeling this strongly about someone, and we sabotaged the entire thing, before we could see where it lead. It ended terribly, and we have barely spoken since. I had a breakdown, and drew away from everything, my friends, my final year in school (which I had to repeat), my family. Most importantly, I stopped being interested in women. I was never all that into casual flings, relationships are far more my thing. I love the closeness that comes with it, kissing and making love are side-affects, not the reason. It took me nearly two years to open myself up again. I'd been with a few girls in those two years, but I never let myself get in any way close to them, and I always chose women who would see me as just a bit of fun, because I wouldn't like to make anyone else feel this way. So anyway, this woman, Anna, the second love of my life, who I am in love with, doesn't return the feeling, and now I'm left with these pent-up thoughts and feelings. We're still talking, and she seems to be dealing with it fairly well, things don't seem too awkward, but it's early days yet. I'm not going to fall out of love with her, and I can already see myself drawing away from things. It won't be as bad as the previous one, because I've felt love before, and we're able to be with each other, that means a lot. So now, I'm basically going to have to wait for at least a year before I let myself fall in love again. That will be three, or maybe even four years before I can be in a meaningful relationship. Seventeen to twenty one. The thought of it makes me retch. I want to love and be loved, and I have to settle for a friendship that might suffer BECAUSE I love her. That might end because of it. And I feel that I should say sorry for loving her, but I know I shouldn't. It makes me wonder if love is worth it all? Even when it works out, there's just as much pain as there is love. I wish I could just have casual, meaningless flings, that they would fulfill me. But they don't. So now there are months of con-gazer music and rereading Nietzsche's works ahead. And writing stories and songs that I'll have to redo becuase they're too saddening for anyone else to read. Great!  

     Sorry for any melodrama or emo-ness that may have seeped through, I'm too tired and heartbroken to deal with an inner editor. Thanks for reading. Any advice? Besides 'don't stay friends with her, she a crazzzzy ***** d00d', and 'just go out and have some stupid casual sex', bacause I'm not going to do the first one, I was friends with her first, and I'll always be friends with her, and to the second one, maybe I will, but I'm not letting it become a way of life, a bottle of pinot noir and some gamboling and cavorting on a beach somewhere maybe, and then sneaking in a little cry and rocking back and forth on my knees perhaps.  

DeathHamsterDude DeathHamsterDude
18-21, M
2 Responses Mar 21, 2009

Thanks PaperPlanes!<br />
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I Won't give up. Too much. ;)<br />
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Things have actually gotten a lot better between her and I. I think the whole ordeal brought us closer together. She stayed over last week, we huddled together on the couch for hours holding hands watching the first series of Spaced. Then we slept together in the same bed and cuddled the night away. ;) She kissed me too, so I don't know, maybe she's starting to feel something for me.<br />
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Ah well either way, I'm happy, just as long as I have someone in my life that I'm this close to, relationship or not.<br />
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God I feel like a little kid sharing his super special secrets! The most important things in the world!<br />
<br />
Pfhhh! :)

I think I know almost exactly how you feel.<br />
Don't give up!