Why? a Question So Often Asked....

I guess my story starts around the same time as my last year of high school, at a study day for those doing the most advanced level of English Study in Australia. The vast majority of the people doing the course were female, so I considered it a day to go fishing for a girl. In the end I gave up on that idea, and was content to simply pay vague attention to the lecturer. At the end the lecturer promised to email the information around to all those present. I wrote down my email address on the paper as it came around, briefly borrowing a pen from a girl who would later cause me so much joy, and so much sorrow.

A few weeks later, when the information never came from the lecturer, I recalled the email address of the girl I had borrowed the pen from and asked her if she could send me a copy. During this time we started talking, over an instant messaging program at first. We began to become quite good friends, and when the next English study day came around we decided to meet up and look around together.

Over the course of the next 9 months we'd meet often, and talk for hours just about every day. I counted her as one of my closest friends, and ironically she'd be the first person I'd talk to about a romantic issue.

So, cruelly, it was her I fell for. She was hardly the first girl I'd been interested in, but this one was so very different. It had nothing to do with sexuality, I just wanted to spend all my time to her, as close as possible. It took me two weeks to come to the realisation of what'd happened. I was shell-shocked. I didn't know what to do.

For a week after that I didn't sleep, hardly ate, hardly even talked to anyone. My whole life was devoted to working out what to do. My biggest fear was that I'd jeopardise our friendship, which was, and is, so very important to me. I got conflicting messages from her, the reason behind which became painfully apparent.

Eventually, with the help of one of my best friends and another great mate in Belgium, I decided I had to tell her. It wasn't right to keep talking to her, being around her with an ulterior motive at all times. It would eventually destroy the friendship, and it had got to the stage where my lack of sleep was beginning to be a health concern. That very morning she herself had told me a story about a friend of hers who had missed out on love because he had never told the girl. I knew I had to tell her. When I told her I had something important to say, her response "Yes Nathan?" seemed so very final... I almost failed to get it all out, but this was basically what I said:

"Firstly I want to set the scene. We've been meeting on and off for quite a while now. I have really come to enjoy your company and respect your opinion. however... recently I have begun to have stronger feelings for you, which are to me very confusing. I'm sure you understand what I mean.

However, I don't know what to do about this, because I respect you too much and don't want to lose what we already have, as friends. I guess what I am trying to say is that, after hearing your story today, I knew I had to get this out of the way anyway. What I need to know, is what you feel, and regardless of what you say that we can continue to be friends."

Her response is something I'll probably never forget. In one short speech I was simultaneously torn apart, and relieved beyond all belief. She basically said something to the effect of the following:

"I too have really come to treasure our friendship. However, there's something I've been hiding from you for some time now because it's ruined friendships before. I'm blabbering on, but, well.... I'm not straight. I'm really sorry and I really hope we can continue to be friends."

The instant she said it I knew it was the truth, I was stunned, shocked, dismayed, torn.... It was the worst feeling of my life, I am unashamed to say. I knew that any chance of what I'd dared to hope for was gone.... at the same time telling me about her sexuality was such a large gesture of friendship that I couldn't help but realise that as much as she could never love me as I loved her, our friendship would probably be so much closer.

I generally consider myself pretty "manly" in the "conventional" sense of the word, but I cried like hell that night, and the next. For weeks I was emotionally dead. The whole time this girl's friendship was the only thing that kept me going, even though it hurt like hell every time I spoke to her.

It's three months on now, and I thought I was finally coming to terms with the situation. I still love her, if anything I love her more. I was just finally reaching a stage where I could live with it. Then just a few days ago it hit me once more, like a tonne of bricks. One day I was happily planning my university, and packing for the trip interstate, a thousand miles away from the girl I felt so strongly for. The next day, I was a depressed wreck, drinking through all hours of the night at times. I'm still in that state now, although I've ended the drinking.

I just don't know why all of a sudden? Is it the move? Is it just one of those things? Basically that's my story, which I find myself reliving every night. I know there's probably nothing that can be done, but if anyone does have any advice it would be truely appreciated.
pungemo pungemo
18-21, M
Feb 4, 2007