When Will It Be My Turn?

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel as deeply as I do. Though it may make life a rich experience, at times it can also make it a miserable one.

To be truly cliche, this centers around a young man I met only a few short months ago. Six years my junior. We are currently performing in a play together and, oddly enough, are the two romantic leads in the show. By all outward appearances, not the sort I would expect to find appealing. Pale, thin and dark-eyed, an odd mix of awkwardness and worldliness. A sarcastic tongue and sullen expression, but a touch of the vulnerable as well. Kind. Elegant. A subtle sadness that I understand all too well. I know I'm being horribly dramatic, but I don't know how else to explain it. I knew him the moment I saw him. I didn't know how, but I did. I was immediately drawn to him in a way that I couldn't comprehend.

I told myself I was making too much of this, that I was lonely and jumping to conclusions. Then we spoke, and I knew I had been correct...it is scary how similar we are.

We spent last week in deep conversation after every rehearsal, discussing religion and family and politics and movies and life, and I started to believe that my streak of bad luck and bad timing had come to an end. That maybe, for once, my feelings would be reciprocated, even if only to make a terrific new friend who I adored from afar.

And yet, this week, it was a chore to wrench a word out of him. It was as if we'd never spoken before, and I was left to wonder how a person could be so utterly changeable, running so hot and cold in such a short period of time. I feel like I have a talent for seeking out and wanting people in my life who want absolutely nothing to do with me.

When he kisses me onstage, a shiver runs through my limbs, the kind I haven't felt in nearly 10 years. There is nothing staged or artificial about it. I wonder if he kisses all of his scene partners like that.

I feel like I need to enjoy it while it lasts, because in three weeks the run will be over and I will, more than likely, never see him again. I don't understand why it always has to be this way.

practicaldreamer practicaldreamer
26-30, F
1 Response Feb 7, 2007

hey, it could just be a temporary setback, don't be too fast to give up! It seems like sometimes men get a little freaked out when they have let down their guard too much with a woman, or something, and they pull back... i certainly am no expert, tho! 8) Either way, I say let yourself enjoy it for whatever it is! and try not to talk so negative to yourself, its not good for you! (trust me, I know, I tend to do the same thing!) you seem like a really cool person, you deserve a lot of happiness! and those delicious shivers as well! good luck to you!