Deepest Regret

Hi, I know this is supposed to be an experience about unrequited love and it is, but… it goes a little deeper than that: 

Ah, my first unrequited love… well, first and only love as of now. It was painful to go through and now even more painful to write even though it’s anonymous; it just makes me face those memories again.

It all began in May 2005 when I was still a freshman in high school; I was looking for a friend that I knew back from 6th grade thinking she might have gotten in the same school as me. I forgot how she looked so I asked around the school for people with the same first name, I thought I found her one day but it turned out to be someone else; I had met a complete stranger. I was bored so I started chatting with her, it turned out we had a few similar interests and that we were actually in the same homeroom (I didn’t notice for 8 months, heh). We quickly became good friends and we spoke to each other very often.

Summer soon began and ended, and we became high school sophomores. The fall of 2005 was a pretty depressing time for me emotionally and very stressful, but she was always there to give me emotional support. At that time I greatly appreciated it but I never thought of her as anything more than a friend. We saw each other often, we weren’t in any of the same classes but we kept in touch. As the New Year got closer, we became closer and closer friends. Eventually, I would consider my best friend; we would often tell each other our worries, our hopes, our pains, and our dreams but still I thought nothing of it.

2006 came; I thought everything would be like the same as last year. I was VERY, VERY wrong. As soon as we came back to school after the winter vacation, I started becoming attached to her. At first I thought I was sick, I believed it wasn’t possible for me to like her, that the wooziness was caused by low blood pressure, and that the difficulty breathing I had was from the flu or something. But eventually I came to my senses and realized that I was in denial about my feelings.

I could not understand why I was attracted to her; I always believed that attraction was instantaneous or at least relatively fast. Regardless of the reason, I tried to ignore those emotions because I cherished our friendship. I honestly did not want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship; I mean who would want to lose their best friend? I couldn’t avoid her because it would be blatantly ignoring a friend. I tried my best to act calm and “normal” around her, trying my hardest not to stutter or blush or act in anyway that suggested anything.

Everything went pretty well for a couple of days until I felt my emotions grow; I grew more and more attached to her. I hated myself for it, feeling helpless not being able to control my own feelings. I also had to keep everything in myself because I had no one to talk to about with this, normally the only person I could tell my emotional problems to was her. Inside me, the emotions kept growing to the point I knew I loved her.

I am usually a very rational and calm-headed person; I know perfectly what the difference between love and infatuation was. Infatuation, or limerence demands reciprocation to sustain it; crushes usually wear out over time though they might be painful to get over. I’ve had a few crushes before myself so I knew what they felt like but this feeling was entirely different. It was like a connection, an understanding, I felt like I could relate to her on a spiritual level; the feeling is very hard to put into words. I really didn’t care that much if she liked or even loved me back, I just really wished to tell her how I felt about her and hoped she’d understand, because to me, not telling the truth is the same as lying. Yes, I am extremely stupid. But, I still refrained for doing anything rash even when my heart told me to tell her how I felt.

The first two weeks of February were living hell; I felt no warm, fuzzy feeling like that from a infatuation just nerve-wracking tension every second of my life hoping not to see her. Finally, on Monday February 14th, 2005, I snapped. I don’t know why, maybe it had something to do with the day or the environment but I bumped into her around noon. We spoke for a while and I still do not know why but that day I made the worst mistake of my life: I confessed to her.

What happened that day I will never forget in my life, probably not even Alzheimer’s can make me do so because that day, my heart was broken not once, but twice. She did not reciprocate my feelings which was expected, but not only that, she believed that I only became her friend to make advances. She refused to speak to me, she said that I betrayed her trust, and I knew in a sense I did. However, I did not become her friend for any selfish reason, my feelings developed after we became friends and I tried desperately to convince her of this. She wouldn’t hear of it though, I knew at that moment that I had lost her trust.

She ignored me for we were no longer the same friends we used to be. I had lost my best friend on that day; I had never and will probably regret anything more in my entire life. Everyday after that seemed painful, every second I wished prevent my confession from ever happening. Instead of sitting around, I still tried to talk to her, I believed she couldn’t ignore me forever, and she had to at least acknowledge my existence. After persistent attempts to talk to her for almost 3 months, she finally responded and realized that she was to me a friend before anything else and we slowly restarted contact. She said that we were still friends but I knew deep inside, we could never be like what we used to be.

These days, I still see her everyday as she is in one of my classes now. I wave at her and say hello but that’s all I can do. I can’t even look her in the eyes as every time I try, I feel very guilty and awkward. I promised her from the beginning that we would always be friends; I have always kept my promises before but now I’m not sure if I can with this. She wants to be friends, I want to too, but it feels likes there’s an unbridgeable distance between us.

Today, exactly one year from the day I confessed, many things have changed but what hasn’t changed are my feelings for her, my regret and my heartache. She has a boyfriend now, I’m not jealous; in fact I am very happy for her. I just can’t tell her that, I can’t speak to her about anything without feeling like I don’t deserve to talk to her. A great part of me wants to forget her, but I don’t think I could ever forget her. If I could, I wouldn’t be typing this experience on the R train with tear-filled eyes. I wrote this not to elicit sympathy, but to warn you to think very clearly should you ever encounter the same situation. If you had to choose love or friendship, I’d suggest the latter; true friendship lasts forever, why gamble it for a miniscule shot at love? What are your chances at finding true love in a friend? I took a stupid risk and put love before friendship; that one moment of true selfishness forever changed my life. I could never love again because I am now scared to death of intimacy, I live every day with a heavy heart as a despondent cynicist, but most regrettably of all I hurt and "lost" my best friend.

            Regrettably, Heartless

x3lezz x3lezz
18-21, M
13 Responses Feb 14, 2007

if you hadnt taken the chance, you would always have wondered what if..

if you hadnt taken the chance, you would always have wondered what if..

I think she reacted harshly. You were brave for confessing your feelings that is something that is extremely difficult to do. Things may be rough now, but in time it really does get better. I wouldn't hear that when I got my heart broken, but it will get better with time and take all the time you need. :)<br />
And I agree she is the one missing out.

Hi,<br />
<br />
I know how you feel because I am going thru this myself ryt now.. he has no idea hw much he is hurting me.. i want to show him how much I love him but he is too caught up in stupid nonsence to understand, i crave him every minute, just loving him is enuf for me but he wont even talk to me properly, I think the situation is different to urs in the sense that he liked me back, but he likes me wen it is easy for him or convinient not when i want it.. need it. he breaks my heart every day n has no idea, people just dont understand wat tru feelings r nowadays they all want a fairytale love wer the other person is madly in love.. but they cant see tru love staring them in the face, the nicer u r the more they use u n the worst part is I no he will wake up in ten years n regret it, all of it n blame himslef for not treating me ryt.. y cant he c it now? U r so brave for telling her i must say she is missing out on a beautiful soul i wish u strengh in getting thru each moment because i know how hard it is, and i only pray he never will.. xxxxx

I have a question for you.<br />
Can you honestly tell me that you could have lived as nothing is going on, like you have no feelings, hiding them just to be her friend?<br />
Looking at her everyday knowing you love her?<br />
If you really love her the way you say you do, I DON'T THINK it is possible.<br />
So I think is a brave and good thing you did,telling her how you feel.<br />
because that is how YOU FEEL. <br />
You would have been even more miserable living a lie every day , you would have been sick.<br />
Don't regret it, you did a very curageous move, and if she doesnt see it , shes a fool.

I've been there, more than once.<br />
For me what I had to realize is that a personal connection (love OR friendship) grows because the other person compliments you. They fill a need. And the more needs they fill, the stronger your "need" becomes. But sometimes you do not fill the same needs for them, and thus - their need for you is less.<br />
Unfortunatly most people withdraw from a confession of love. I think the problem is that it changes the dynamic. People like their relationships to be equal, and if you confess that your need is greater, you become a dependent - and no longer an equal.<br />
But love is not a key to one lock. Love is a puzzle: you may connect with another person, but they are also capable of making stronger connections elsewhere. That may be hard to come to terms with, but when you do so you have to realize that you too are capable of finding another connection as well.

Oh i forgot to add<br />
lest u think,well thats it,now iam left feeling more of 'love'.<br />
well,thats not the feeling loveworthy people leave behind.<br />
a feeling that ,if only i hadnt suggested anything romantic,atleast i wouldve been together as a 'friend',oh now i messed up the chance of being a .....<br />
DOORMAT?<br />
its the wounded self image.that shows the damage inflicted to ur selfesteem.<br />
plato or aristotle style.....give a damn.<br />
that person had left u with an ache.a want.a need. <br />
of being together.<br />
and u think u lost a chance of atleast being able to be that persons bucketboy?<br />
classic symptoms of a textbook case ....mmmmph.<br />
u see buddy,its also the oldest trick in the trade.<br />
making the person crawl and swirm in agony.<br />
a sadomasochist combo game.<br />
what to do?<br />
quit the game.<br />
thats no fun.stop enjoying sick feelings of remorse and broken heart.<br />
realise u miss nothing.defenitely not 'any' kinda relationship with that person.<br />
and u will not miss anything by getting out of the blues.<br />
u will become stronger.<br />
instead of saying i will never ever love another or attempt it again,say u will, to find if that person can deserve that kind of thing from u.<br />
and also if it would be without mutual pain.<br />
u need to be discover love.<br />
love is not for the weak.<br />
its a strong force.stronger than all the forces of the universe.<br />
hey,....after all the universe was nothing but the projection of the Supreme to manifest this love in self discovery in the other.<br />
so no use saying i will turn to stone.<br />
worser still,say i wont again.<br />
what has happened is an education.<br />
the hard way.<br />
be sure that there was nothing wrong in ur ex<x>pression of love.if u r made to feel so,well that person is not a loving kind.period.<br />
and ur friendship earlier wasnt the real thing.<br />
hard to face the truth.<br />
not only she doesnt deserve to be 'loved',she dosent deserve ur platonic frienship either.<br />
as said earlier, have u seen kitten play with scorpions ?<br />
its a fatal attraction.<br />
but all are not scorpions.though they are plenty around.<br />
if u really think u deserve true love ,then u should be strong,becos u have to keep trying inspite of this dangerous masquerade till u uncover the face of the true lover . <br />
P.S.<br />
if u can,i suggest u express ur strong disapproval of that persons choice ,atleast once in clear manner,need not be in words,and followed by that a dsiplay of absolute indefference if not dislike of her company.<br />
and followit up with ur side of the rejection show.<br />
what good that will do?<br />
u will make this fantastic discovery i made......<br />
she will show u clearly how disgusting and manipulative she can be and how low her esteem for u...all coming from her own bloated and cold ego.

I first wrote something lengthy.<br />
now let me put it simply.<br />
do u really want to own a scorpion and live with it?<br />
if some one whom u have approached to give love had left u feeling sick regretting why the hell u ever did that,well the bottomline is .....good riddance.<br />
its hard i know,cos tonight the girl whom i chased and got kicked off is geeting wedded and she is next door <br />
and iam all alone writing this.a year ago,i had cut her off even before she attempted a thaw,with a big frown.<br />
now do i regret not exploring a possibility?<br />
man.the way we are wired.<br />
the thing is we all are like that.we do things driven by the heart and fail to realise the head too needs to be in place.going by the heart u got hurt by a rejection.going by the head u can laugh at urself silly.<br />
for if anyone who had left u with pain for having approached her or him for love,well that just a nicely packaged pain,attractive but a lot of real pain waiting to happen.<br />
its becos of that crazy wirining that we regret,and feel sorry.u miss nothing.infact u avoided urself a lot of slow dawning pain of the reality behind that cute face.<br />
u have done urself a favor by walking away.or she has done u a favor if she done that.<br />
go say ur thanks prayer.its not a question of sour grapes....its reality that ur head can see but ur heart has clouded its vision.<br />
believe me,love cant hurt,the way rejection does.<br />
and believe that ur love whatever be u as a person maybe,if it gets rejected,then its absolutely not deserving of it.<br />
truly loving persons cant cause even inadvertant pain.scorpions can.and can be attractive too.<br />
cant folks not have the right,reject u? worthy persons will tell u that in a way u will love them more even if its not ended the way wanted it.

Yep I do understand your pain as well. Made the same mistake and "confessed" to someone who I thought had the same feeling for me as well. Turns out he did not feel the same and I was told to get theraphy and I was f*cked up! Nine months later I still can't get his words out of my mind.<br />
<br />
It tough because any thing you do towards this person you liked makes him think you still like him.<br />
<br />
Hang in there someday you will meet the one!

omg i totally understand how you feel!! I also fell in love with my best friend. and wanted to see if we could have a romantic relationship. but in the end, he realised he only liked me as a friend...<br />
<br />
i was heartbroken and we have never been able to become best friends or even close friends ever since. and its been 10 weeks since.. <br />
<br />
everyday i hope we can become best friends like before. i still love him. but i also regret ever ruining our friendship. i know he will never love me romantically, but i miss our friendship soooo much, i would be happy to just be friends with him.<br />
<br />
but on the flip side. i think it was inevitable. because i do believe that it is better to regret the things you DO do, then the things you only thought of doing. at least now you wont wonder, What if she felt the same way.. at least you tried the best and you know how she really feels. trust me, its far worse, always wondering if your best friend feels the same way you do. <br />
<br />
in time, i am sure one day you will be able to become friends again. don't lose hope. as long as you never show her any indication that you're still in love with her and just act like a platonic friend. it may take her some time to trust you again, but eventually it will happen. if you like, i have some articles that have helped me, if you want me to send them to you, please send me a pm.<br />
<br />
i hope one day you find someone that you will feel like that about again. <br />
<br />
but i understand how you are scared not to love again. i am also! i dont want to like anyone ever again, and be open to that sort of hurt. its just too scary and not worth it. <br />
<br />
i totally understand your pain. i went through it and am still going through it :( <br />
<br />
i do agree, sometimes it's not worth risking the friendship. everyday i do wish we could be best friends like before. but i know it was a risk that we both took. <br />
<br />
but then, sometimes we just have to say what is in our hearts, or it will just consume us.

hey man... i knw its so difficult to get over with these things ......i was in the same situation too....its horrible everyday u wake up thinking abt her and go to bed with her memories still on ...... I wish u best of luck for ur love life but man wat i'll suggest is dat keep trying ... May u get ur love.....:)

oh hun, i am so completely with you. i'm not going to pretend my experience was the same (i'll probably post it on another thread), but the feelings you describe are so terribly familiar. i never knew how painful and completely uncontrollable love was until recently. i hope your heart mends soon, but i know these things aren't easy to get over.

I've actually been finding myself in a similar situation recently, and my best friend and I are currently angry and quite unhappy. It's horrible.