Deepest RegretHi, I know this is supposed to be an experience about unrequited love and it is, but… it goes a little deeper than that:
Ah, my first unrequited love… well, first and only love as of now. It was painful to go through and now even more painful to write even though it’s anonymous; it just makes me face those memories again.
It all began in May 2005 when I was still a freshman in high school; I was looking for a friend that I knew back from 6th grade thinking she might have gotten in the same school as me. I forgot how she looked so I asked around the school for people with the same first name, I thought I found her one day but it turned out to be someone else; I had met a complete stranger. I was bored so I started chatting with her, it turned out we had a few similar interests and that we were actually in the same homeroom (I didn’t notice for 8 months, heh). We quickly became good friends and we spoke to each other very often.
Summer soon began and ended, and we became high school sophomores. The fall of 2005 was a pretty depressing time for me emotionally and very stressful, but she was always there to give me emotional support. At that time I greatly appreciated it but I never thought of her as anything more than a friend. We saw each other often, we weren’t in any of the same classes but we kept in touch. As the New Year got closer, we became closer and closer friends. Eventually, I would consider my best friend; we would often tell each other our worries, our hopes, our pains, and our dreams but still I thought nothing of it.
2006 came; I thought everything would be like the same as last year. I was VERY, VERY wrong. As soon as we came back to school after the winter vacation, I started becoming attached to her. At first I thought I was sick, I believed it wasn’t possible for me to like her, that the wooziness was caused by low blood pressure, and that the difficulty breathing I had was from the flu or something. But eventually I came to my senses and realized that I was in denial about my feelings.
I could not understand why I was attracted to her; I always believed that attraction was instantaneous or at least relatively fast. Regardless of the reason, I tried to ignore those emotions because I cherished our friendship. I honestly did not want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship; I mean who would want to lose their best friend? I couldn’t avoid her because it would be blatantly ignoring a friend. I tried my best to act calm and “normal” around her, trying my hardest not to stutter or blush or act in anyway that suggested anything.
Everything went pretty well for a couple of days until I felt my emotions grow; I grew more and more attached to her. I hated myself for it, feeling helpless not being able to control my own feelings. I also had to keep everything in myself because I had no one to talk to about with this, normally the only person I could tell my emotional problems to was her. Inside me, the emotions kept growing to the point I knew I loved her.
I am usually a very rational and calm-headed person; I know perfectly what the difference between love and infatuation was. Infatuation, or limerence demands reciprocation to sustain it; crushes usually wear out over time though they might be painful to get over. I’ve had a few crushes before myself so I knew what they felt like but this feeling was entirely different. It was like a connection, an understanding, I felt like I could relate to her on a spiritual level; the feeling is very hard to put into words. I really didn’t care that much if she liked or even loved me back, I just really wished to tell her how I felt about her and hoped she’d understand, because to me, not telling the truth is the same as lying. Yes, I am extremely stupid. But, I still refrained for doing anything rash even when my heart told me to tell her how I felt.
The first two weeks of February were living hell; I felt no warm, fuzzy feeling like that from a infatuation just nerve-wracking tension every second of my life hoping not to see her. Finally, on Monday February 14th, 2005, I snapped. I don’t know why, maybe it had something to do with the day or the environment but I bumped into her around noon. We spoke for a while and I still do not know why but that day I made the worst mistake of my life: I confessed to her.
What happened that day I will never forget in my life, probably not even Alzheimer’s can make me do so because that day, my heart was broken not once, but twice. She did not reciprocate my feelings which was expected, but not only that, she believed that I only became her friend to make advances. She refused to speak to me, she said that I betrayed her trust, and I knew in a sense I did. However, I did not become her friend for any selfish reason, my feelings developed after we became friends and I tried desperately to convince her of this. She wouldn’t hear of it though, I knew at that moment that I had lost her trust.
She ignored me for we were no longer the same friends we used to be. I had lost my best friend on that day; I had never and will probably regret anything more in my entire life. Everyday after that seemed painful, every second I wished prevent my confession from ever happening. Instead of sitting around, I still tried to talk to her, I believed she couldn’t ignore me forever, and she had to at least acknowledge my existence. After persistent attempts to talk to her for almost 3 months, she finally responded and realized that she was to me a friend before anything else and we slowly restarted contact. She said that we were still friends but I knew deep inside, we could never be like what we used to be.
These days, I still see her everyday as she is in one of my classes now. I wave at her and say hello but that’s all I can do. I can’t even look her in the eyes as every time I try, I feel very guilty and awkward. I promised her from the beginning that we would always be friends; I have always kept my promises before but now I’m not sure if I can with this. She wants to be friends, I want to too, but it feels likes there’s an unbridgeable distance between us.
Today, exactly one year from the day I confessed, many things have changed but what hasn’t changed are my feelings for her, my regret and my heartache. She has a boyfriend now, I’m not jealous; in fact I am very happy for her. I just can’t tell her that, I can’t speak to her about anything without feeling like I don’t deserve to talk to her. A great part of me wants to forget her, but I don’t think I could ever forget her. If I could, I wouldn’t be typing this experience on the R train with tear-filled eyes. I wrote this not to elicit sympathy, but to warn you to think very clearly should you ever encounter the same situation. If you had to choose love or friendship, I’d suggest the latter; true friendship lasts forever, why gamble it for a miniscule shot at love? What are your chances at finding true love in a friend? I took a stupid risk and put love before friendship; that one moment of true selfishness forever changed my life. I could never love again because I am now scared to death of intimacy, I live every day with a heavy heart as a despondent cynicist, but most regrettably of all I hurt and "lost" my best friend.