24 Years Later and Counting...

Hello, everyone: I hope you are well within reasonable terms and that Feb. 14 is passing by without much of a fight from your mind.

My story starts 24 years ago, I met him when I was 16, we went together to college. I do not know and will probably never know how it started. I have always been a person that analyzes everything, I take pride at using logic on an everyday basis. I have several degrees including a PHD and cannot find explanation to why I remain in love with someone who does not love me back.  I fell for him right away, in my mind he was the one I would marry and be for the rest of my life. I had been raised to believe that women do not take the first step, so there I was waiting for him to do so. He never did. I remember till today and will always remember the stabbing pain I felt when he got involved with the woman he would eventually marry. The pain became even more intense when I learned she had pursued him and was succesful. In other words, there I was, waiting for nothing, just for another woman to do what I did not do. Pain was unbearable, I just felt like dying. Thought I was not worthy, or too smart, or too independent, or go figure what else. Of course I made the horrible mistake of going for a rebound relationship.  A few months after he got involved with this woman, someone older than I am crossed my path and although not my type, not common interests, not someone I could talk to, I went ahead and married him.  After I married, he married this woman, and I attended his wedding, he invited me. I was convinced that eventually by doing all of this, I would come to my senses and realize he and I would never be together. I drank a lot at his wedding, did not get drunk, but had probably one too many. Trying, and I repeat, trying to forget I even moved to another country.   I lost contact with him for a while, intentionally, partly trying to forget him. Did not happen. My marriage of course was not working, and that did not help. My mistake, I married for the wrong reasons. About 5 years ago, I learned his marriage also went down the drain, and although I felt sorry that he was feeling pain, I must acknowledge I thought my love could come true. I then revealed to my love my feelings, hoping he would at least consider them. I told him how I have been feeling for him. He was surprised, did not have any idea.  He said he was flattered, and asked me "why me"? I wish I could answer that. He went on to saying "you are this, you are that, you speak these many languages, bla, bla, bla". So? In any case, he does not feel the same way, and of course I cannot force him to do so. When he told me that, I could feel something breaking inside of me, and I am not exagerating. . He asked me if I was in love with him and I said:  Doesn't that show? He said: yes. After that he said that he is the kind of person who doesn't fall in love. I did not know that kind of people existed.  He is impenetrable, does not show feelings, and I am the opposite, now. I do not keep feelings inside any more b/c of the bad experience. He feared our friendship would end b/c of his rejection. How could I? I am so pathetic that I'd rather have him as a friend that not have him at all. I believe he and I are a good match in many ways, we have the same career, love to read, enjoy travel, have traveled together, can talk for hours. So, why doesn't he love me?  I must say that I am in great physical shape and I constantly get from men and women positive comments about my looks, I am quite attractive.  So, why doesn't he love me? Do not know. But what bothers me most is not to know why I love him! Why do I have to feel this pain for someone who does not love me the same way I do love him, and never will. That kills me.  We chatted today and I sent him a couple of nice thoughts about unrequited love. He acknowledged one of them but said the subject was "quite deep".

I know it must be difficult for him to be in this position, and I have been clear that I know I cannot make him love me. But that does not take my pain away. Will the pain ever leave me? I wish that would happen. I dream of him very often. I have pictures of him in my office, my computer. I think of him every day. I work many hours, I exercise a lot, have healthy friendships, great job, an adorable child. Why am I doing this to myself?  Is there something that we all have in common? Is this rooted in some sort of bad childhood experience with parents?

I have come to accept the feeling, and at some point I do not know if I would be better of without it. I have been feeling it for so long, is like getting used to something. It is true that I love him, and that nobody else has made me feel that strong type of feeling.

This is my story. I hope that sharing my pain with others that are going through the same process would make it a little more bearable.

Best wishes for all of you out there







For most of the years I have been in love with him, he did not know


mothertheresa mothertheresa
36-40, F
8 Responses Feb 14, 2007

thank you for posting.

Wow, 24 years. .. wow.,.. <br />
It's human nature that you will automatically want what you can't have. <br />
But you already know that.<br />
<br />
Hate me for this but I think it's bullshit that he's a person who doesn't fall in love. <br />
He just doesn't want you, especially now because he knows he can have you.<br />
If he doesn't fall in love then why did he get married. <br />
If he doesn't fall in love then why not have a marriage with his friend that should surely have better results than his first marriage. Surely, he knows of the benefits that accompany marriage.<br />
Does he want to grow old alone?<br />
<br />
Do you want to grow old alone? I hope you get past this.<br />
I can only think of one solution but if it doesn't work you will be worse off than you are now. . <br />
<br />
Wow, 24 f*cking years wasted.. <br />
<br />
ps. It has nothing to do with your looks, what you do or don't do so quit analyzing it.<br />
I know of a guy who chose a totally unattractive girl over an attractive one that was 100x better in every way, had so much more to offer and would have worshiped the ground he walks on but for some reason, it's the ugly, unaffectionate, mean girl he wants but can not have completely

Hi!<br />
<br />
Been there done that (but did not wait that long). I feel like you are punishing yourself and you must let this guy go and fine someone who has the same traits! This guy knows that you like him but he has not returned the feelings back to you! He probably just enjoys your company but is not interested in a romance with you. Accept his friendship as the only gift you will get from him. But honey, you have to move on because a man who really does love you back is waiting around the corner while you spent too much time on this guy. Remember..... life is not a romance novel you don't always get the guy at the end!

Wow... and I thought 3 and a half years was a long time...<br />
Beginning to doubt my conviction that everything will be fine and magically disappear as soon as I don't have to see him everyday anymore... :S

My father once told me, it's not love if it doesn't go 2 ways. I believe him. I don't think what you feel is 'love' exactly, but obsession. I do think that he resonates w you unconsciously due to some need you have from your childhood. Look up 'imago image' to see an explanation of why we are attracted to certain people. I don't know if it will solve your entire problem but it might give you a reason, and possibly a tool with which to work.

Thank you for sharing. Your story scares me a little. Will I end up keeping my secret 24 years from now? Sometimes I wonder if it's better to let him know and suffer the humiliation than to keep it in for years.

A very brave story. I really feel for you. I've suffered for unrequited love but not for nearly as long.

Thanks a lot for sharing. =)