After All This Time.....and, Now He Calls?!?
Lord! It's 3 a.m., and I can't sleep!!! My unrequited love....(after months and months of not hearing from him) has called me!! And, it was only because he wanted something from me....for me to do some graphic design for him. No problem. I did it. It's for his music. I haven't talked to him in forever and I'm just so damn happy that he's pursuing his talent (he's SO ******* talented!!!) I feel blessed to have been given the opportunity to be a part of his music, even if it's only such a small part. He couldn't leave it at getting the graphic designing for free....get THIS: he wants to come spend the ******* weekend with me! Says he needs to go to "that place," with me....that place where he found so much inspiration. Says he feels like he's hit a dead end with the music and he needs to be in "my land" again, this time, on purpose. What the ****?? I'm trying to just blow it all off. I'm trying to tell myself he's full of ****...just using me. But, I know for a fact that he did find inspiration through our knowing each other! He'd never even held a guitar in his hand until he picked mine up....and, I SWEAR! The first time he picked the damn thing up, he was making up songs....**** that had form, that he remembered, right there. He sat there with that damn guitar for hours. The next day, he went and bought his own. Before two weeks was over, he was on stage at some open mic nite, playing his own original accoustic songs! That was the main thing he credited me with, when we were still seeing each other....that he could see himself in me, through me...that my passion and talent and who I was were what led him back to music; rekindled his passion for it. I believe that I inspire him. But, I only half-believe that he wants to see me. Geez! He rejected me so harshly! Just left me hanging...all by myself....flappin in the wind....didn't want anything to do with me. Now, he says he needs to be around me....but only for the moment.
I should be strong and smart enough to not be vulnerable to him. I only knew him for three months! I can't even remember the last time I saw him. Inside, I am aching to be in his presence...the man has become an iconic figure in my existence. But, it's also become like he doesn't really exist...like he never really did. He told me today that he loves me....that when he sees me, he's gonna hug me...he's gonna pick me UP, like a little girl, and walk around with me for a while. But, I also don't want to see him. In fact, I did the design really fast so he would just get what he wanted from me and I wouldn't HAVE to see him. But, he's called me several times since he got the work I did for him. He's still persisting with the weekend thing. I want to just send him a message and tell him forget about it but, holy ****!!! Until yesterday, I honestly believed I'd NEVER hear from him again!! Wouldn't I be so pissed at myself for NOT seeing him?? Maybe I won't even feel the same. Maybe he really has just become a part of my imagination....and, what if I see him and that beautiful fantasy is killed? Worse yet, what if I feel the same?? Then, where would I be?? It's taken me SO long to put his stupid *** behind me...to accept that he is NOT for me, despite the incredible connection between us. This is the little ****** that (finally) competed with the space in my heart that my dead husband has held for forever! This isn't just some regular old joe to me! Still, I'm angry with myself for responding to him the way I have.
He's probably gonna end up not wanting to see me. I'm probably stressing over it for nothing. But, now I'm stressing that he really might NOT want to see me.
He MUST be evil!