I'm Scared And Don't Know How To Move On

I was in a relationship with my ex for about a year and a half.  He dumped me right before the holidays.  We had been fighting and I couldn't believe that he did that to me.  He never tried.  Every time I wanted to talk to him about what was bothering me about our relationship, he would say not to worry about it, that I was overthinking things, and that the problems would eventually go away.  He dumped me while I was still emotional and never gave me a chance to clear my head.  Now that I have, I realize that if he had given us some time, we could have possibly sorted things out.  I wish he had given us a chance to actually talk about this, since not talking about it for so long got us to this point in the first place.

He told me that he didn't love me and only saw me as a friend.  I hate that he only thinks of my fondly as a memory.  I hate how he always insisted on putting his friends and his social life before me.  I hate how he insisted on keeping our lives separate.  I tried so hard to get him to talk about it, but he never would.  He kept avoiding the conflict.  I was so in love and he didn't love me back.  It hurts, because he's around so many women, and I know that they're all fluffing back up his ego so that he won't miss me--his friends were all against me anyways.  I hate myself for not knowing how to effectively stand up for myself against them.  I feel so underappreciated and undervalued by him.  I stuck by him through his worst, and he left me as soon as his life situation started looking better.  I hate how he couldn't give me that same love.  I wish I wasn't so angry right now, since it's been about a month after the breakup, but I find myself feeling bitter about it.

I wish I could move on.  I wish I could stop thinking about him and stop wanting to call him.  I feel so abandoned and alone.  Coming out of this wreckage, I feel so low and despicable about myself.  I was so happy with myself when I went in.  I was so sure of myself before this all happened.  I don't know why, when I was trying so hard to keep his life together, that he was tearing me apart.  I wish I had been stronger and didn't let him get to me the way that he did.

I miss his smile, I miss his scent, I miss the way he used to hold me.  I miss the way we used to do things.  It makes me sad remembering that the dates stopped towards the end, and he seemed to want to see me less and less.  It makes me sad because I wish he had said that because he was seeing me so hurt, he wanted to talk it out and try and figure out how we could fix this together.  I wish he had been thinking in terms of "we" instead of in terms of "I".  I hate how he always thought he was right.

I hate how I still miss him and I hate how I still love him.  I hate how even though I know he won't call, that I wish so bad that he would.  I wish so hard that he'd miss me and I wish so hard that he'd turn around and tell me that he was wrong and that he was sorry.  I hate how I know that I should be looking for better, and that I deserve better, but that it's still him that I want.  

I'm so scared to let him go, because I'm scared to see him happy with someone else.  I'm scared that he'll find someone and treat her better and everything will work out.  I'm scared that he'll find that person that he's been looking for, and I won't ever find mine. 

I'm keeping myself busy and I'm focusing on myself, but it's still so hard.  Every day is a struggle and I just don't know how to move on.  I wish he was still by my side.  It hurts so much to know he won't be there.  It hurts whenever I go to an event or watch a show or do something, and I'm reminded of him and think about how much I wish he was there to experience it all with me.  

I really want to wish him all the best, but I just can't.  I wish I could, but I can't.  I can't because I wish he felt that I was the one for him and that I was the best.  I made mistakes in the relationship, but I was willing to fix things.  I was willing to work on myself and I was willing to put in more effort.  I hate how I still feel 100% responsible for everything.  I wish he felt some of the responsibility too.

It kills me that I don't know if he's still thinking about me.  It drives me crazy because I think he doesn't look at me as someone he still cares about, but just another small bump in the road that he can easily forget. 

I wish I was stronger than this.  I'm trying.  I really want to heal.  I really want to stop thinking about him.  I really want to let go of him and just move on.  

I just don't know how to move forward.

spiritsong spiritsong
18-21, F
9 Responses Dec 20, 2009

Hello spiritsong , your words and experience mirrors what I'm going thru right now . Everything from the guilt to the time of year and to the way she'd brush off our problems. I miss her and I love her and I pray crying and begging every night for the past two months that she would give me a second chance. How did you do it ? How did you make the pain hurt and sadness go away ?

You should feel relieve,because one and a half year he dump you... Because i have a same story , but i've been in a five year relationship, i ever living together with him, but in a two year before breakup he decide to have his own apartmen to painting, actually he find another woman, and he cheat behind me for about 3 years, and he continuing his relationship with his mistress, So, if someone not trying hard to have you in his life, sooner or later, he will cheat on you...

I have been broke up for about one and a half month, i admit i'm not move on 100%, but i know i will, believe it , you will have someone that really worth it, and try focus to love yourself, and allow yourself to grief, and feel everything, and try to cut the contact, because for almost one month i feel in a roller coaster stage , because i still keep in touch with him, but now, i beg to him not contact me again, maybe after i completely healing i can be able to talk (but not intense talk) with him again...

You can do it, try to focus on YOU, find a real you, and loving yourself again... I know you can do it....

I wrote this in the message back to you, but I will post it here just in case because I don't know where you'll look, and also in the case someone else might need it too.<br />
<br />
SO SORRY for the late reply! I've been meaning to log in, but life has been chaotic. <br />
<br />
Since I wrote that post, it took me 2 years to fully move on. I was in that relationship for about the same amount of time. From my experience, it's taken me about the same amount of time to move on as I was in the relationship. That may or may not be different for you.<br />
<br />
It was really hard for me to move on at first, that guy ended up going out with my best friend...who I'm no longer friends with. And I definitely lost some mutual friends from that, but you know, that's when you realize who actually really supports you.<br />
<br />
One key thing I did to get over him was make myself ridiculously busy. It works. When you're doing so much, you don't have time to worry about people like your ex, and you're being productive, so you feel great. <br />
<br />
I'll be honest though. There are times I compare him to other guys, which can be good and bad. He's made me raise my standards, because he wasn't such a great boyfriend and I feel like I deserve more and better, but at the same time I have to stop myself sometimes from wishing for that "ultimate boyfriend." No human can do it all, so to speak.<br />
<br />
In time, you will heal. Maybe even find another. Or maybe that other will find you. I've personally sworn off boys and searching, because I've been focusing on my life's passion, and I realize that right this minute, I don't have time to worry about adding a guy into the mix. If he comes, he comes and I won't complain of course, but if he doesn't, I still have a lot I want to accomplish on my own anyway.<br />
<br />
Definitely find that one thing you're passionate about, that you don't necessarily need to share with anyone else. Sometimes I think the mistake we make is we share too much, and then when the other person leaves us we can't continue certain things because we're constantly reminded of that person. Thankfully what I'm pursuing right now doesn't have my ex attached to it in any way. <br />
<br />
Again, sorry for the late reply. I don't know if this helps you any, since I know you wrote to me a while ago, but I hope it brings you a little comfort. If you would like to talk further, please feel free to message me again; I will keep an eye on my inbox for a while just in case.

Spiritsong. Everything you have said, word for word, is exactly how I feel right now. We've been broken up 6 months, but tried becoming friends to work things out, but i just couldnt trust him or believe him and everything I said showed that. We began fighting so much until 3 weeks ago he said nothing is working anymore, we should just cut each other out, and that he's finally realized he has indeed lost all feelings for me and doesnt see a chance for us in the future anymore, like we planned. <br />
<br />
I am an emotional wreck, I'm obsessing and replaying scenes and I have so many questions, where did it go wrong, why can't he just SEE we CAN be fine, I know we can be if he just gave me that time of day to get to know each other again.<br />
<br />
I am riddled with the fear that there's nobody like him and I will never move on. I can't POSSIBLY find someone as cute, as unique, as attractive, as DIFFERENT as him.<br />
<br />
Please, please tell me how you are doing now. Are you indifferent? how do you feel now. I need hope. Everything you have described is ME. His smell, the way he dresses, his smile, his voice, everything makes me long for him, it kills me. Seeing him out and about with our friends just makes me wish things could be normal, or that I could feel nothing for him.<br />
<br />
Will there ever come a day where I am not so fascinated by him? Where I can feel no desire to want him? How did you get there.<br />
<br />
Please reply and let me know how you feel today!!

Hello.<br />
I'm prob Alot younger than yous.<br />
i'm 15 and about a month ago was dumped By my first serious boyfriend<br />
it lasted 9Months and about 4months as friends before,which is pretty long for someone that is 14/15.<br />
i feel for you i really do.<br />
I'm in the same position. i Thought the world of him,i really did. for the four months that we were Friends i'd stay up everynight on the phone because he was going through a tough time and i was always there for him.<br />
He was extremely insecure when i first met him. and eventually we told eachother we liked eachother. The first Few months he was Mad into me and i was scared,,because this was all new to me.<br />
he saw me as 'really good looking' and a few of his friends liked me<br />
slowly but surely i felt more comfortable with him and we started having an intimate relationship<br />
and i noticed a change.. he had Became over confident.<br />
and forgot who helped him when no One else did<br />
He'd be really cranky with me and i knew something was up and i knew it was coming<br />
but i was in denial. i'd always ask,and he'd tell me i was being Paranoid.<br />
he wasn't there for me when i was sick or upset as much as i would be for him.<br />
<br />
the two days i had saw him before the break up,we were getting on great.. Like old times<br />
but he did it to my Face .<br />
i Cried as soon as he said 'i've something to tell you..' and he hugged me and kissed me and Said 'i'm so sorry aoife i love you so much' <br />
he started to cry and said he always would be in my life if i needed him<br />
but he thought he was too young for this and didn't want the hassle of a serious relationship.<br />
we Talked that night,loads and the night after,till like 5am<br />
and now he hasn't been there.<br />
he texts me the odd time. untill he saw me Out with a friend of his, alone.he told he hated me<br />
though i'm guessing this is jealousy.<br />
<br />
I'm okay most days,but its lonely. i could have 20 friends talking to me and the loneliness is still there<br />
i miss him. and I just Don't think i could handle seeing him moving on.<br />
an Another girl,Having something i want more than anything in the world. that i had for 9 months but am being<br />
told i can't have anymore..<br />
<br />
But i know i Was the best Girlfriend i could be.<br />
and i know i did ALOT for him. and put up with alot<br />
And as vain as this may sound<br />
you should think this too<br />
You put in your All So,he'll never do any better<br />
He never put in the effort,so theres someone out there who will<br />
<br />
<br />
i know nothing people say helps.<br />
but times a healer.<br />
avoid talking to him,Go out,feel good about yourself again independently<br />
if you ment anything to him he'll try be friends again in the future,<br />
yous Deffiantley need space from eachother to clear your head or you will say stuff you regret<br />
its tough,but think some people don't have a real relationship for years. and you just came out of a 1 and a half <br />
one. you should try see it in a more positive light<br />
it really helps<br />
Hope you're okay(:<br />
You'll be fine ^_^ <br />
i'd love to hear how you're doing now months later actually<br />

Sound exactly like my girlfriend. I wish you luck in moving on.. I know it's not easy. But you really are better off. Hang in there.

I'm in the same situation. It's so hard to move on from someone when you've grown to love everything about them. Me and my ex boyfriend were together for seven years and just recently broke up. I know it's hard to deal with the pain because you feel like you've lost everything and you just feel completely vulnerable. Just look at this experience as a chance to grow and focus on yourself. I know that's easier said than done because when people would tell me that in the beginning of my breakup, it would honestly just frustrate me. You really have to stay focused and think about yourself and yourself only! <br />
<br />
Usually, when I try to keep my days pretty busy so my mind doesn't wonder off. I typically wake up in the morning thinking about him and our breakup and just use the time to dwell on why we broke up and why we aren't together. Then, I think of something positive, like a daily focus and think about how I can improve myself for that day, so whenever I get side tracked and think about my ex, I just go back to my focus.<br />
<br />
You can do it girl! You can make it and you'll be happier in time! Just think positive and you'll be okay. Trust me, this guy was my life and my best friend for the past seven years. I always put him before me and when he left, I was a wreck. Eventually, things will fall into place and you're going to come out of this experience a stronger person. <br />
<br />
I hope everything goes well for you, I'd love to hear how you're doing, because I'm still hurting and trying to get over this obstacle myself. Good luck!

I know how you feel. Everything from the third paragraph on down, word for word, I feel exactly the same. It's not as easy as "getting a hold of yourself" if you don't know where you are. Everything is so confusing because one second you're happy and it seems right and the next all of that companionship and love is gone, just memories. And you just hate him so much because it seems like he will make it work with some other girl, when it would have worked out with you if only (fill in situation here).<br />
<br />
But it wouldn't have really because bottom line, he didn't want to make it work with you. And that hurts to accept (VAST UNDERSTATEMENT), but if you want my advice, the best way I've found is to try and forgive him. If you don't, it will follow you around and you won't have an honest chance to move on. You're not needy or desperate, trust me. Not everyone can up and let go, and there's nothing wrong with loving hard unless you don't even try to move on. Forgive him (you'll have to do it over and over, but it will eventually stick) and find whatever lesson there is to all this and learn it. Don't be scared of letting him go, he's already gone. That's just my opinion, though. It's been a month since my break-up too and I've found there's no way around it, just through it.<br />
<br />
You can endure, though. Don't worry about "how," just keep yourself busy, do some new stuff. Just because you're not sure of how you're moving forward doesn't mean that you aren't. <br />
<br />
Good luck.

Why so serious? The guy is a D-bag that had no consideration for your feelings, opinions, or emotional well-being. He is the type that is completely into himself and that's why he was attracted to someone as needy as you. Get a hold of yourself and stop acting so desperate. Maybe then you will attract someone that actually cares about you.