I'm Scared And Don't Know How To Move On
I was in a relationship with my ex for about a year and a half. He dumped me right before the holidays. We had been fighting and I couldn't believe that he did that to me. He never tried. Every time I wanted to talk to him about what was bothering me about our relationship, he would say not to worry about it, that I was overthinking things, and that the problems would eventually go away. He dumped me while I was still emotional and never gave me a chance to clear my head. Now that I have, I realize that if he had given us some time, we could have possibly sorted things out. I wish he had given us a chance to actually talk about this, since not talking about it for so long got us to this point in the first place.
He told me that he didn't love me and only saw me as a friend. I hate that he only thinks of my fondly as a memory. I hate how he always insisted on putting his friends and his social life before me. I hate how he insisted on keeping our lives separate. I tried so hard to get him to talk about it, but he never would. He kept avoiding the conflict. I was so in love and he didn't love me back. It hurts, because he's around so many women, and I know that they're all fluffing back up his ego so that he won't miss me--his friends were all against me anyways. I hate myself for not knowing how to effectively stand up for myself against them. I feel so underappreciated and undervalued by him. I stuck by him through his worst, and he left me as soon as his life situation started looking better. I hate how he couldn't give me that same love. I wish I wasn't so angry right now, since it's been about a month after the breakup, but I find myself feeling bitter about it.
I wish I could move on. I wish I could stop thinking about him and stop wanting to call him. I feel so abandoned and alone. Coming out of this wreckage, I feel so low and despicable about myself. I was so happy with myself when I went in. I was so sure of myself before this all happened. I don't know why, when I was trying so hard to keep his life together, that he was tearing me apart. I wish I had been stronger and didn't let him get to me the way that he did.
I miss his smile, I miss his scent, I miss the way he used to hold me. I miss the way we used to do things. It makes me sad remembering that the dates stopped towards the end, and he seemed to want to see me less and less. It makes me sad because I wish he had said that because he was seeing me so hurt, he wanted to talk it out and try and figure out how we could fix this together. I wish he had been thinking in terms of "we" instead of in terms of "I". I hate how he always thought he was right.
I hate how I still miss him and I hate how I still love him. I hate how even though I know he won't call, that I wish so bad that he would. I wish so hard that he'd miss me and I wish so hard that he'd turn around and tell me that he was wrong and that he was sorry. I hate how I know that I should be looking for better, and that I deserve better, but that it's still him that I want.
I'm so scared to let him go, because I'm scared to see him happy with someone else. I'm scared that he'll find someone and treat her better and everything will work out. I'm scared that he'll find that person that he's been looking for, and I won't ever find mine.
I'm keeping myself busy and I'm focusing on myself, but it's still so hard. Every day is a struggle and I just don't know how to move on. I wish he was still by my side. It hurts so much to know he won't be there. It hurts whenever I go to an event or watch a show or do something, and I'm reminded of him and think about how much I wish he was there to experience it all with me.
I really want to wish him all the best, but I just can't. I wish I could, but I can't. I can't because I wish he felt that I was the one for him and that I was the best. I made mistakes in the relationship, but I was willing to fix things. I was willing to work on myself and I was willing to put in more effort. I hate how I still feel 100% responsible for everything. I wish he felt some of the responsibility too.
It kills me that I don't know if he's still thinking about me. It drives me crazy because I think he doesn't look at me as someone he still cares about, but just another small bump in the road that he can easily forget.
I wish I was stronger than this. I'm trying. I really want to heal. I really want to stop thinking about him. I really want to let go of him and just move on.
I just don't know how to move forward.