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I'm In Love And Ashamed Of It

 Well, i love you. It's ridiciolous , i know. I miss you now deeply and you again didn't write to me a freaking one word since 3 weeks. I am not waiting for you anymore. I cannot take it anymore and i am just giving up. But i cannot imagine forgetting you. This whole story is just too deeply planted in me. You have no idea about it, i know, i suppose. And i will never tell you. I am always loosing with you, that's what i feel, you are just stronger than me, cause you don't care, you don't give a damn, you knew i had troubles with my husband, you knew i needed love, ( i think you knew, cause why would you be telling me you loved me if you didnt think i wanted to hear that?) , but it didnt stop you from 'seducing' me all the time. You dont know i was severly clinicaly depressed at that whole time, but you knew, things were going badly.I think you knew that i loved you, or was in love, whatever. I cannot write about it, never talked about it with anybody, its all all the time bottled in me and i am sure i do love you and i cannot get rid of it. Any time i wanted to forget you, you were coming , talking that i am yours, forever, i just couldnt stand it..  Your telling me that you love me, and telling this few times knowing that i dont believe in that crap and that this only annoys me, cause i' m not such an idiot to believe in your sudden love, it was just too vicious of you. I never said i love you back, cause when we were in bed, and you were repeting your confessions , something blocked me, i couldn't say it. I dont even know if i felt it at that time. I was too scared inside of the first real cheating on my husband i guess. You know it wasnt necessery to talk like that, i wanted this sex , but somethimes i think, that maybe you were kind of honest...I dont know. That only thing i know is that i'm missing you terribly and love you ( at least it feels like that)although i know you are probably not good for me. I am a beautiful and intelligent woman, surely i dont have to suffer because of men ALL THE TIME. but i do..

BlueAspiryna BlueAspiryna 31-35, F 5 Responses Jan 27, 2010

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Lykia, thank you very much for your interesting comment. I suspect that you just neiled it. It sounds like you almost know him, or maybe you are a good psychologist:) I mean, the sentence you said about him that he is "playing his own spectacle on his own ego scene lying " just suits him so well, i think. Yes, this guy have big problems with his ego, and i also don't think that he was really lying, he used to be honest, even too honest, he probably use to tell what he think he feels at the moment, but he is too f.. up, as you said, to be taken seriously. I even suspect he is not completely mentaly healthy. But i am not either, so it doesn't bother me :)...Our relation was pretty strange.. He wrote something to me like a week ago, but i don't know if i should write back.. I don't miss him so terribly lately, but i still kind of like him, it would be strange just to erase him completely..

Thank you so much for your great answer. I am sorry that you cannot just forget her , that' would be the best. I don't understand what love is for, if it actually never really works out...

I think she was the first I fell so hard for. Its been nearly six years and I do still think about her but it does get less and less. We had been friends( i thought) and neighbors, growing closer over a few years until one day she confessed she had feelings for me. It was a torrid two month affair( i may post the experience here) that ended badly. I saw signs that she might have been lying about some things...and now Im getting long winded. Lets just say that it was the kind of love every romantic person dreams of that ended very badly. Wether she was using me or just got scared Ill probably never know but not once did I abandon her the way she did me. It took me 2 years just to get past the anger and hate, if not for the fact that I truly loved her I could have most likely killed both of us over it. Over time I realized that the LOVE I offered her was a gift, freely given and if she could not reciprocate honestly than that is a flaw in her character not mine.



The hard part was dealing with the fall out in my marriage in the years that followed and a wife that will not be honest that she doesnt trust me. No, I didnt try to hide anything when our affair was found out because I couldnt live a lie the rest of my life. I did try to fix the problems in my marriage that were there before and became exaserbated by the affair but it has ben to no avail. The poison in my marriage isnt going away and no matter what, we end up coming back to the same problems.



Maybe that was more of an answer than you wanted, a complex answer to a complex question. Let me leave it at the simple fact I now understand that I have to be happy with who I am before I can be happy with someone else. Its an unfair burden to hoist youre well being on anothers shoulders and the most you could hope for are friends or lovers who care enough to be there when you need them. Dont dwell on what happened between you and him, its the past, allow yourself a new beginning by loving yourself.



As for me, its been six years and her birthdays coming up in two months. Ill think about her, wish I could see her and pray that I dont. I know I sill have feelings for her but Ive moved on and wont put myself through that again(with her). I would like to think that one day I may find that feeling with another, but until then I take one day at a time.

Thanks :) So, how long did it take to forget and move on? You really doesn't care anymore? I dont know why it got me so hard, i think it gets harder when i get older, i wasn't that " emotionally faithfull" until this guy... now i really know what that means to stupidly fall for someone.. it lasts already almost 4 years...

It hurts right now but it will get better. I went through the same thing five years ago.