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I'm In Love And Ashamed Of It

 Well, i love you. It's ridiciolous , i know. I miss you now deeply and you again didn't write to me a freaking one word since 3 weeks. I am not waiting for you anymore. I cannot take it anymore and i am just giving up. But i cannot imagine forgetting you. This whole story is just too deeply planted in me. You have no idea about it, i know, i suppose. And i will never tell you. I am always loosing with you, that's what i feel, you are just stronger than me, cause you don't care, you don't give a damn, you knew i had troubles with my husband, you knew i needed love, ( i think you knew, cause why would you be telling me you loved me if you didnt think i wanted to hear that?) , but it didnt stop you from 'seducing' me all the time. You dont know i was severly clinicaly depressed at that whole time, but you knew, things were going badly.I think you knew that i loved you, or was in love, whatever. I cannot write about it, never talked about it with anybody, its all all the time bottled in me and i am sure i do love you and i cannot get rid of it. Any time i wanted to forget you, you were coming , talking that i am yours, forever, i just couldnt stand it..  Your telling me that you love me, and telling this few times knowing that i dont believe in that crap and that this only annoys me, cause i' m not such an idiot to believe in your sudden love, it was just too vicious of you. I never said i love you back, cause when we were in bed, and you were repeting your confessions , something blocked me, i couldn't say it. I dont even know if i felt it at that time. I was too scared inside of the first real cheating on my husband i guess. You know it wasnt necessery to talk like that, i wanted this sex , but somethimes i think, that maybe you were kind of honest...I dont know. That only thing i know is that i'm missing you terribly and love you ( at least it feels like that)although i know you are probably not good for me. I am a beautiful and intelligent woman, surely i dont have to suffer because of men ALL THE TIME. but i do..

BlueAspiryna BlueAspiryna 31-35, F 3 Responses Jan 27, 2010

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Lykia, thank you very much for your interesting comment. I suspect that you just neiled it. It sounds like you almost know him, or maybe you are a good psychologist:) I mean, the sentence you said about him that he is "playing his own spectacle on his own ego scene lying " just suits him so well, i think. Yes, this guy have big problems with his ego, and i also don't think that he was really lying, he used to be honest, even too honest, he probably use to tell what he think he feels at the moment, but he is too f.. up, as you said, to be taken seriously. I even suspect he is not completely mentaly healthy. But i am not either, so it doesn't bother me :)...Our relation was pretty strange.. He wrote something to me like a week ago, but i don't know if i should write back.. I don't miss him so terribly lately, but i still kind of like him, it would be strange just to erase him completely..

Thank you so much for your great answer. I am sorry that you cannot just forget her , that' would be the best. I don't understand what love is for, if it actually never really works out...

Thanks :) So, how long did it take to forget and move on? You really doesn't care anymore? I dont know why it got me so hard, i think it gets harder when i get older, i wasn't that " emotionally faithfull" until this guy... now i really know what that means to stupidly fall for someone.. it lasts already almost 4 years...