I'm In Love And Ashamed Of It
Well, i love you. It's ridiciolous , i know. I miss you now deeply and you again didn't write to me a freaking one word since 3 weeks. I am not waiting for you anymore. I cannot take it anymore and i am just giving up. But i cannot imagine forgetting you. This whole story is just too deeply planted in me. You have no idea about it, i know, i suppose. And i will never tell you. I am always loosing with you, that's what i feel, you are just stronger than me, cause you don't care, you don't give a damn, you knew i had troubles with my husband, you knew i needed love, ( i think you knew, cause why would you be telling me you loved me if you didnt think i wanted to hear that?) , but it didnt stop you from 'seducing' me all the time. You dont know i was severly clinicaly depressed at that whole time, but you knew, things were going badly.I think you knew that i loved you, or was in love, whatever. I cannot write about it, never talked about it with anybody, its all all the time bottled in me and i am sure i do love you and i cannot get rid of it. Any time i wanted to forget you, you were coming , talking that i am yours, forever, i just couldnt stand it.. Your telling me that you love me, and telling this few times knowing that i dont believe in that crap and that this only annoys me, cause i' m not such an idiot to believe in your sudden love, it was just too vicious of you. I never said i love you back, cause when we were in bed, and you were repeting your confessions , something blocked me, i couldn't say it. I dont even know if i felt it at that time. I was too scared inside of the first real cheating on my husband i guess. You know it wasnt necessery to talk like that, i wanted this sex , but somethimes i think, that maybe you were kind of honest...I dont know. That only thing i know is that i'm missing you terribly and love you ( at least it feels like that)although i know you are probably not good for me. I am a beautiful and intelligent woman, surely i dont have to suffer because of men ALL THE TIME. but i do..