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I Guess I Still Love Him...and Yeah, He Still Doesn't Love Me

Don't you hate that feeling in the very inner cavity of your chest every time you think about that someone. I do, I still feel it. I don't need to see him, I just need to think about him. That is why I am convinced some part of me still loves him.

Our story began in 2005, we met at a Barnes & Noble. I liked him when I met him, he seemed harmless enough. I don't know if we moved in too quickly but faith seemed to push us together. Hurricane Wilma did a number on his place and well, I offered mine, " 'til you are able to find one" I said. He never left. We got married on 4/15/2006. I think some of the people that knew me the most had problems with closing their jaws for months...everyone was in disbelief. I had been married before, when I was 19 for about 5 years to a horrific person, I got divorced in 1997 and ever since then I had not dated anyone seriously for years. I was pretty hurt about my marriage and consequent divorce. I didn't think I was going to be able to trust someone again and for some reason I trusted him.

To make a short story shorter, he cheated on me...we were married for 8 months at the time. He said to me he had never loved anyone like he loved her, he told me that sometimes you turn the street and find the love of your life and everything that happened before that person is inconsequential...

I have been called many things in my life but never inconsequential. His timing was perfect too, it was a week before my birthday, a week and a half before christmas, new years and all that good season of togetherness. I was devastated, I was so in love, I said so many things, so many stupid things, I did not want to think that was the end of it.

In retrospect, it was better that way. This woman, the one he loved with all his might, he has cheated on her at least 5 times. She keeps on taking him back. I wonder about people who can take others back after a betrayal. Maybe they are much more secure in themselves that I am. He did ask at some point to come back, I couldn't have it. I am glad I didn't.

I hear from him from time to time and even though my mind tells me I am ok about it, my hearts always aches for a while after I talk to him. He says he cares for me. I don't know how much of that is true. We haven't seen each other for almost 2  years. He always wants to meet with me but I just can't. I hear writing about this things may help to put them at rest, I hope it does. I sincerely hope it does.

40ishgirl 40ishgirl 41-45, F 3 Responses Feb 7, 2010

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I don't think the pain ever does dull. When you think it is all over and put to rest something minor triggers it all over again and the wound bursts open as fresh and painful as on the first day.

I understand how you feel, it is not so easy to fall out of love...

no, it is not... but it does feel good to know we are able to feel so strongly about someone. if i ever fall in love again, i want to fall in love 100% not half/assed like he did

I wish you all the luck in the world, and i too hope that writing about it helps you heal.

It hurts when you love someone so deeply and they simply cannot return it. I hope that pain eventually dulls and you can get on with a friendship.