Trying To Be As Compassionate As I Can

I met my current girlfriend in 2007 and we started dating in 2008 (we have conflicting dates she says February I say May when we first kissed).  It so happened that we were born and lived on the same street and may have actually known each other before meeting.  Things clicked and moved kinda fast but it felt right to both of us.  After about two months she told me that she wasn't completely ready for the next step, meaning BF and GF, and that I needed to be patient and let her work on a few things( had a previous relationship end badly) and she wanted to be the best possible girlfriend for me.  We moved in with each other after about 5 months and have lived together ever since.

It took well over a year before she started calling me her boyfriend.  She has a lot stress and other issues that make her focus on one thing and thats school.  She started ignoring me alot and distancing herself.  When I asker her about it she said she was putting me on the back burner because she can't deal with a relationship and school at the same time.  She started to get better at it but then dropped a huge bomb on me.  She told me about how she doesn't love her family because of past things that happened between her and her parents.  Then she said it has rendered her unable to love anyone.  I couldnt believe what I heard it felt like organs were being ripped out of my chest.  I am not the perfect boyfriend nor the best one that ever lived I have my flaws.  But I try so hard to love and care for people, I tried to do so much for her it was just devastating to hear that.  I thought to myself, Have I done enough?  I have I screwed up? Am I just not worth anyone's time or thought? Maybe my job is to provide and care unconditionally maybe I shouldn't be concerned with what I get in return I don't deserve anything in return do I? 

She told me that she wants to seek help and be able to open up to me and love me.  But receiving help does not guarantee that it will work or work enough.  I know she cannot survive on her own and she needs me financially.  I feel as if I have accepted the role as roommate and provider rather than boyfriend or significant other.  Maybe that is my role to play.  I love her with all my heart and I want her to be happy and I guess I need to do whatever is necessary to make that happen.  Even if it means loving someone who will never love me back.

Antwan1914 Antwan1914
26-30, M
3 Responses Feb 11, 2010

You are worthy of love. I learned the hard way that even if you love someone it does not mean that that they can love you back. It does not mean that there is something wrong with you. My friend tried to tell me over and over again that he had to sort out his issues. You should not waste your time on someone that is working on their issues. It means that they truly are not ready for relationship, regardless of how great you are. You sound like a really nice person. Do not lose hope. Good luck!

Thanks for reading about my experience you have alot of good points and advice( which is why I invited you into my circle so I would have an opportunity to talk more). This situation is something I have never encountered before so its all very new and confusing.

You are worthy of love, we all are. It is noble of you to love her so much that you would give up your needs for hers, but beware. If she is really working on her issues, she may pull through it and come to love you, but that all depends on her own capacities to work through those issues and respect you in the process.<br />
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You have a right to receiving love in return for your love. Relationships are about willing give and take. She may have made you a substitute for a family that did not care for her the way she deserved to be cared for (take it from someone who also has family issues and has trouble with relationships, too). If she is only taking from you then you definitely deserve better and she needs something different, too. You are a very good person, clearly, and good people can be drained to the bone by someone willing to take without returning.<br />
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You have great courage and I applaud the strength of your love. Just be sure that you are not enabling her by being her eternal support rather than helping her learn to support herself. That's a delicate balance, as we all depend on one another, and in relationships we become one with that other person...but it can't be one-sided (you support her, she does not support you).<br />
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A good friend of mine is married to a woman who has told him she doesn't love him. He chose to stay with her nonetheless. Over the years, I have watched his bright spirit dull to a painful cynicism. He thinks that she needs him, but I wonder whether they would both be happier if they stopped being each other's crutch. Some day, some how, we have to learn to be complete people, willing to stand up for our happiness as well as the happiness of those we care about....Love yourself, understand that you have worth, and you will know what to do.