I Can Be Pressured Into Liking Someone - And It's All About My Dad, I Think

No matter how I feel about someone, if enough people tell me that I obviously like them and someone suggests they may like me in return, I eventually will develop feelings I can't ignore.  They get in the way of friendships.   It's happened three times for me, and it's always an emotional disaster for me.  I try and try to resist, but eventually the pressure gets to me...if there's enough.

Right now, I can't even look one of my professor's in the eye.  For a year, people badgered me about how I must like him because, well, everyone thinks he's irresistibly hot.  The first day of class with him, my best friend said, "He's your type, isn't he?" and spent the whole semester pushing me on it.  He is my type in some ways, sure, but (a) he's not personal enough, (b) he works too much, and (c) he's definitely not interested in me, even if I were genuinely interested in him.

But I'm overwhelmed, distracted, and ashamed.  And, worse, I'm sure he knows I've "developed feelings" for him.  This always happens with people who have in some way rejected me and aren't fully trustworthy.  I know the real, final nail in the coffin for me is this aspect.  I get pushed and pushed, then I feel hurt by them, and suddenly I feel that maybe if we were together they'd treat me better...or maybe they're even treating me that way because they like me and are trying not to show it.  Crazy, right?

I know it traces back to my upbringing.  I've never really felt like I had a family or parents to rely on.  My parents divorced, my father left, and I never got to spend much one-on-one time with him at all.  These three people (two of them very close friends and the third a close mentor) seemed to be pulling away, and they're erratic and unpredictable just like my father.  There's a layer of disrespect, and sometimes I feel like I'm in the way.  I know this is me wanting to be loved by my father, but it's all a losing battle.  Once it gets to that point, I have to be able to walk away and not care anymore, but it hurts so much to feel rejected by them (by my father, again, I suppose), that I have the worst time letting go.

I wish I could make this stop.  Please help me.

SunSpirit SunSpirit
22-25, F
1 Response Feb 13, 2010

Wow I am sorry about the horrible past you have. Sometimes the past can continue to hurt forever. My parents where divorced too (age 4) and I mother married a person who was messed up on drugs and other stuff. Needless to say I was beaten by him. I was diagnosed with a debilitating disease at 4 with the possibilities of being in a wheel chair, crutches or death. I was born with that sort of empathic thing where I felt other peoples pain and dispair. All the bad things in my life felt normal, like everyone experienced it the same way I did. But I stood up to my step father, I fought to get better, and I found that I could be there for people when things got bad and offer my comfort. And it sucks to have birthdays and graduations with one parent present at a time(although my parents had a peaceful dissolution of marriage) its awkward for me to have them in the same room, very awkward.<br />
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I can read some of the the pain you have experienced in your life and at no point was any of that fair to you. Letting go is never easy, its a struggle to everyone and its an incredibly depressing thing to have to go through. It would be hard for me to let of my girlfriend, it would be sad, depressing and it would hurt. But I know that this sounds silly but I am always a big believer in the simple things in life, like health, shelter, career, and social connections. Even though rejections and failed relationships can be deeply scarring you have to remember that life will still go on and you will still thrive in it. I will tell you the same thing I have told many others, I want you to continue to be yourself and continue to press forward, to fight the things that bring you down and conquer them. I want you to continue striving for your goals and to remain in good health. I will tell you that at some point in life things will get better as long as your fight for things to improve. <br />
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I hope this helps some I can always continue to talk more to you and help in anyway that I can!