400 Days Of You

NOTE: I tried my best to condense this story. I don't really expect you to read it all, but if you  do and have any advice or anything you would like to say, I would greatly appreciate. Also if you're bored and looking for a good read, then this might kill some time :)

I'm not sure if this story can really fall under this category because I never wanted him to love me back but I'll post it where ever else I feel it necessary. FYI this isn't the type of "love story" that you may be thinking of.

I'll try to make this as short as possible because it is a long story, I'm currently writing about it for therapeutic reasons, I'm more than half way done and I have about 60-something pages... ya not posting that all here. So this is a brief summary and if I'm not clear about something then let me know.

It all started 400 days ago (hence the title) when I met this guy. Instantly I was drawn to him in this unnatural way.The moment I saw him I felt this weird instant connection. Not like chemistry or anything like that, but something deeper. There were these unexplained feelings of trust and unconditional love. I felt this need to be there for him and be a part of his life. I knew that I would possibly do anything for him and do whatever I could to ensure that harm never came his way. Talking to him and just being with him throughout this entire story just felt so natural, almost like second nature. It was as if we had been extremely good friends that were separated and now reunited. In a nutshell I loved and cared for him in a way I never had anyone within a moment of knowing him.

I was instantly frightened, I understood that the more you care for someone the more opportunity it gave them to possibly hurt you unintentionally. It was more frightening because I didn't even know his name yet and here I am caring more about him than I do at least 90% of the other people in my life.

At this point I make the decision to be friends with him. I want to stress that there was no romantic component to how I felt about him oddly enough. Therefore being friends with him wasn't that hard. He was very easy too get along with and our personalities were quite compatible. Talking to him and being in his presence gave me a sense of warmth and wholeness that I'd never felt before. I thought to myself "This is what I want. I want him. I want him to be my best friend and I want us to be there for each other through the good and the bad forever."

I'd never told him this of course, but he did know that I cared about him in a friendly manner that I could not really explain and he was cool with it. Everything was good until I developed a crush on him in late April. I knew it would past, it was a hormonal thing. I had not lust over a guy in months and I can't say this guy was hard on the eyes. Even though this was a passing thing it made life difficult. This guy is somewhat of a player and as his friend I knew this so having a crush on him while he flirted with a bunch of girls was really hard. I feared that this would put a permanent kink in our relationship so I distanced myself from him until my feeling passed. Unfortunately he noticed and was bugging me about it. I've always hated lying to him so I sat him down one evening and told him that I liked him.

Throughout the entire convo I was on the defense so alot of it came out wrong and it ended in an awkward way. We eventually approached me about it and told me that he didn't know what he wanted. He had just ended his 4 year relationship with his girlfriend that I never even knew about. I told him that I didn't want anything from him and that this whole liking thing was just wrong. We agreed to give each other space.

Easier said than done. We spent quite some time trying to give space while also trying to friends with out it being awkward. This was not an easy task and I felt a lot of anguish because of this. I felt like I had screwed us up, the last thing I ever wanted to do.

There was drama surrounding this. One of my friends got involved and he told her somethings about us being awkward and him wanting to get back with his girl friend etc. All things he had never told me. This cause a lot of tension and even when I confronted him about it all (I'm making this very vague) he continued to deny it all. In the end, I caved. It was the day before graduation and I was afraid that I would lose him forever so I sent him a heartfelt email. He replied telling me what a good friend I've been to him and that he didn't want to lose that. He told me that he was afraid of hurting me. I accepted all of this as I had much of all his BS and we had an unspoken rule never to talk about high school ever again.

Now I failed to mention that at this point I had let him known on 2 occasions that I no longer held any romantic feelings for him, just so you all know,

The summer was great. We got along well and there was no drama or anything. I had my own issues of course. I still hated how much I loved him because. I knew he would never feel any where near what I felt for him (nor did I want him to) but I wanted him to care a little bit but I didn't think he ever would. He is the type of guy who can be your best friend from grade school, not see you for weeks or months and it's totally kosher. I on the other hand have few close friends who I like to see on a regular basis because I'm so close to them. He didn't fit into that. But i accepted that. I accepted his flakiness, his lack of effort. I put way more into the friendship than he ever would because I didn't want to lose him. It put alot of pain on me but I was good as long as he was there.

Around late summer we ended up having sex. I kind of saw this coming because we were very touchy-feely with one another and in regard to sex it self , we both didn't really see it as something that was that big. I knew I wasn't the only girl he had just decided to have random sex with and we both agreed that it meant nothing. So it was good, not awkward and we talked after like nothing out of the norm had just happend.

This had be all dandy until my friend mentions that he was back with his girlfriend about a week and a half later. I figure they got back together and that was fine. I had met her once and she seemed like a nice girl. As long as he was happy, I was happy. That was until about a week later when he asked me for a blow job. I didn't generally have a problem wit that but all I was thinking was "dont u have a gf?". The more I thought about it the more it didn't make sense and I knew that he loved her when they were together. If he had gotten back with her after trying to back in June and failing, I knew he wouldn't blow it again. Obviously she'd find out. Also my friend's source wasn't that credible. In the end, we ended up fooling around with one another for about two weeks before I had to ask.

I asked about his ex and he admitted to being back with her. We had along discussion about it and in the end we ended up fooling around anyway. I wasn't proud of it but at the same time I din't feel bad about it at all. I loved being close to him in general, as him standing beside him or hugging him. So one could imagine how much I enjoyed engaging in some of the highest forms of human contact with him. That and he knew how to get me going very well.

The weeks later were uneventful, in fact they were odd. Now I'm used to him going through his moody periods or his busy periods and knowing to keep my distance. If I don't awkward convos happen and I get mad at him for being him which in return make me sad because I love him. So I give him his space, I don't see him often even though we are on the same campus. I did talk to him later on and when I did it was back to being awkward, like in high school. It felt like it was a chore for him to talk to me and that hurt me alot. I could feel him distancing himself from me and I didn't know why, all I knew was that I could not let go,

Imagine if you will a girl walking home. She gets there and places her hand on the doorknob and a tornado hits. The tornado is trying to pull the girl away from the door but she will not. Then it begins to hail. The doorknob begins to heat up and burns her hands excessively. And yet she still hold on for dear life.

The tornado is my friends and family, the hail is all the elements against me, he is the door and I am the girl. That was how I felt. I knew that we would not be friends forever because this "friendship" was taking too much out of me. Since day one I had never cried so much in my life.

A few weeks later, I was talking to him online about coming with me to get my birthday tattoo. He said he would before but now he said he would have to wait and see. Normally I would say something about this but I knew something was up.

So I told him that I missed him and hadn't seen him in a while.

He said he's been busy with midterms and that he spends alot of time with his girl friend. He says he's become distant.

I told him that it's not good.

He wonders if I'm referring to the fact that he spends alot of time with his girlfriend when I say "that's not good".

I say that it's not good that he's distant.

He says nothing for a few minutes and then comes back and asks me if I like him as a friend or more than a friend.

As a friend. Why?

He says that he was just making sure. I ask him what would he have said if I had said other wise and he say that he would tell me that he didn't feel the same way and that we should be friends.

I'm very irritated by this whole question so I continue to ask why he even brought this up. We had already been through this at least twice. I get no clear answer.

He then says that he's not like my other guy friends.

I tell him that he's not because I care about him. I pointed out that he already knew that. The convo went no where from there and he called it a night.

As I thought about it I realised that I had to talk to him. For what ever reason he thinks that I like him and I couldn't have that. That is obviously what is driving him away and my constant reaching out to him wasn't helping. I knew that if I could get him to understand that I didn't want him, or have any romantic feelings for him then we could make it work. There was no way that I could tell him that I loved him, because then I'd probably never see him again. Then again maybe that was the only way to get him to understand something that even I didn't understand.

I spent two weeks trying to get in touch with him. When that failed I decided to wait it out. Give him space, let him to his midterms and whatever and he'll get back to me. He knows I've been trying to contact him.

It isn't until a conversation with my mother a week and a half after I stopped trying to reach him, that I realised what had happend. He had done what I was to scared to do, he ended it.

I had always pictured the ending of our relationship to be a mutual goodbye but he went ahead and ended it himself without a word. He pretty much ditched me. He blocked my number, my MSN, my facebook and all means of communication to him. I also learned that he had been with his girlfriend since June. Which was odd because when I mentioned her at that time, he corrected me and called her his ex.

But ya, he pretty much cut me out of his life like a bad habit, which was hard for me. I treated him probably better than I had most of the people in my life and he knew that I cared about him.

I don't want  to go into my feelings on the issue now but I am heartbroken. This happened ended a while ago now but I still miss him so much. I think about him and wish that he was here. I want to talk to him and hear his voice and breath in his scent when I hug him. I want to be apart of his life, to see him laugh and to see him cry and to be there for him either I is a void inside me that only he can fill and its consuming. He is such a big part of my life even when he is not.

I've been to a counselor, I get out with my friends, I've dated. I've even tried drinking and smoking my feelings away and even when I'm drink or high he is on my mind. He is such a big part of my life even when he is not.

For as long as I miss him and I love him, I'll be wanting him back in my life. But I know he's not coming back.

In a way he's dead.

quinn483 quinn483
18-21, F
3 Responses Mar 9, 2010

Thank you guys for actually taking the time to read all this, it really means alot <3<br />
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To StephG, I don't know your situation but I would say that you shouldn't give up on this person. If you can be friends or whatever you are now then you should do that. Perhaps this person isn't meant to be your lover right now or ever. But you don't want to make this an all or nothing situation.<br />
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To HangingTree, oh it sucks BIG TIME. I do hope we can all find someone who will love us the same. It often feels like no one will ever fill the void the last person left but sometimes you have to believe that it will get better to get through the day.

=( I'm sorry such a thing happened to you. Maybe, it was for the best that it ended. Sounds like it was to much stress on you. <br />
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I hate the feeling of loving someone, when you know they dont love you back. I wish that I could find some one, who I care alot about and vice versa. Maybe I should have never talked to the girl I was crazy.. Or ended it, but i didnt. Sometimes i wish i did.

I am so sorry for all that your going through, I am going through exactly exactly the same damn thing. That connection in the beginning that you mentioned..it was the same thing here. It was out worldly..I was so afraid of it. I never trust people but she opend me up like a book, with no effort at all. Now I am deeply disappointed cuz I see where we are headed. At least you had the courage to tell him you liked him..I never will. I feel as though Im going to lose her and there is nothing I can do about it...I once heard "don't cry for someone who dosent love you, love someone who cry's for you"..if only i knew of that someone who cares about me unconditionaly...but life aint that simple, where we can pick and choose who we fall for. but the heart must go on