Do We Ever Really Understand Anything?

Just don't know what to do, I'm still in love with this girl, it doesnt suprise me because I know she is The One.

I met her last year while we were both travelling. It wasn't love at first sight, we became friends, we would just hang out, sometimes at the house, we watched tv together, went out to bars, to dinner, played pool, stuff like that.

Eventually it had to end, she was going home. Before she went we stayed up till 4am just talking, I think she would have stayed up all night if I hadn't said we should get some sleep. The next day we spent the whole day together, riding in the hills, round town shopping, went out to dinner, went to the bar. There was karaoke on in the bar and she asked if I would sing for her, but there were about 100 people there and I'm not that brave. Then we went home and stayed up all night, just the two of us, sat next to each other talking. She had a really early start and a long journey ahead of her but again she stayed up all night with me. So when it got to 4am again it occured to me that she needed some sleep and wondered why she was not going to bed. Then in one moment I turned towards her to ask why and as my eyes moved I noticed first my legs crossed towards her, and her legs crossed towards me, then when i saw her face she was already looking back at me with a sweet smile on her face and sparkling eyes and she looked so comfortable and happy to be there. I remembered only minutes ago she had turned up the bottom of her sweater and run her fingers idly across her stomach and earlier had been wiggling her bare feet in an excited kind of way.

In that moment I felt a different atmosphere, it occured to me that maybe there was more to this that friendship. But she was leaving in only a few hours, what could possibly happen now, why now? Maybe I was mistaken, maybe I was imagining it? I thought we were just friends but right then it seemed like more, like a connection. Why were we both up all night talking? I didn't know my own feelings, I thought we were just friends, but I did know that if there was anything more to this then I didnt want it to be just a last minute thing, she meant too much for that. Should I say something? I didn't know what to say. When I stopped talking she quickly tired and said she should get some sleep. We said goodbye that night, hugged and agreed to stay in touch. I went to bed confused. Then my phone chimes with a text from her with her home phone number, I reply, then another from her. What's going on?

In the morning when I got up she was gone. The house was quiet, as expected. I went out riding by myself but the experience was empty, I wasn't enjoying it. I thought about the night before and tried to figure out my feelings. Why am I not enjoying myself, whats this feeling? loneliness? Other friends had left already and sure I missed them but not like this!

But wait, what's that? She's gone? I can't talk to her again all night? Wasn't that special, wasn't that ... She looked so happy and comfortable. Remember that smile, those sparkling eyes. Such lovely company, such a sweet girl. That was a great time, I want that again. That was a moment in time, I need that again. Gone forever gone? Remember when she danced at the club? I wish I had danced with her. Remember on her birthday when her friend wasn't there and she sighed and went out alone? Mistake! Remember all those friendly conversations when i didn't really make the most of our time together.Didn't realise she would leave, or how important she would be. Sure didn't know I would miss her like this. didn't know I would ... Love Her! BAM! That's it, thats how I feel! I wanted her back and for her to never go away again!

We stayed in touch so much from then on, we chatted on facebook, talked on the phone for hours and sent a hundred texts, we were in touch almost every day. She told me she had been reading about limerence (it means the ultimate expression of romantic love) and we talked about how to express love and why its so hard to say. I came as close as humanly possible without actually saying 'I love you', I thought she understood, I meant everything I said. I wanted more than anything to go and visit her but I had to move house so I couldn't, that was so frustrating. She asked me if I would like to go travelling with her, to drive from France to Australia, proper adventure of a lifetime stuff. Of course I said I would. We arranged to go see a travel show. So seven weeks later I eventually got to see her again.

When she walked out of the train station I could hardly believe how gorgeous she looked. I wish I could have told her then but she was with her best friend. She wore a beautiful white summer dress and little strappy shoes with heels and had a great big tatty backpack, so I offered to carry it for her, and she let me. She took the backpack back from me whenever we went into a bar and when we came back out I would carry it again. Eventually one time I forgot to offer and she just held the bag out towards me and looked at me with the sweetest smile and didnt say a word. I really thought that was a moment, I thought she understood, I know my heart melted. Now I don't know what it meant, if anything at all. Anyway we had a great night out, we ended up in McDonalds at 6am because all the pubs were closed. Her friend fell asleep and it was just the two  of us talking again, she tried so hard to stay awake with me but was exhausted. Eventually she had to leave so I took them both back to the coach station and we hugged for so long that eventually her friend had to say 'Calm down, you will be seeing each other again in a week!'

The next weekend I went over to France to see her, there was a race I wanted to see but of course I really only wanted to see her. The race was on for two days but I was there for four, I really wanted to make the most of our time together. I thought four days might be too much to ask from her though so I told her I didn't expect her to spend the whole time with me, but she did anyway. From the time we got up to the time we went to bed she was always there. We went shopping together, sat in the park and talked about our trip, went walking round the harbour, she introduced me to her friends and her mum. We only made it to the race for half a day but of course I didnt mind at all. We went out to a bar with one of her friends and were there until it closed. She spotted me gazing at her one time and just breathed 'What?' with a happy smile, but I couldn't tell her then, I didnt want her to think it was the alcohol talking. Eventually we left and I put her in a taxi home and I walked to my hotel, she actually sent me a text to ask if I had got back safely! On the last day we were sat in a pub talking about our ideas about what we wanted to achieve in life and about our reasons for not wanting children (I'm sure she didnt mean together), we have the same opinions on so many things. Eventually she said something like 'I don't know when I'm going to see you again!', the way I heard it, it seemed like she was already missing me, I dont know. I told her I would phone her soon but she said its not the same.

Anyway, thats just a few things which happened between us. I told a couple of female friends about some of this and they said they thought she liked me too, that I should be more confident. I only hoped and dreamed. I felt there were moments, I hoped she understood.

Turns out she did understand. One monday morning I received a text from her, 'I think I may have given you the wrong impression, sorry'. I told her not to appologise, that it didnt hurt as much as I expected and I still thought she was amazing. It hurt more than I expected but I didnt want her to feel bad, she hasn't done anything wrong so why should she suffer too. I told her I hoped we could stay friends and she said she hoped so too. She said it would all turn out okay and not to worry, even tried to help me feel better, she was pretty good.

I tried to be friends again but maybe it was too soon. She told me to think how I would feel if she met someone else and if that would feel bad then we should give it more time. I tried to tell her it might take a long time before that would feel okay, that upset her a bit. I just didnt want us to lose contact while we waited. I dont know, maybe i should not have said that. Anyway she wrote again a few days later and said she was sorry for being harsh. I couldn't handle causing her any more stress so I did something even more stupid and told her that being friends wasn't going to work. Of course thats not what I wanted at all, I hope she knows that. She said 'Its up too you really, honestly I will always be glad to hear from you'. That was it for a while but eventually I realised my mistake and got back in touch, its not easy.

It's hard being rejected by your best friend. I don't know anything, I have no clue. She said she still loves me and when I'm capable of rational thought I realise thats true. I wish she would say I smell or something, at least I wouldn't have to question everything about myself, there must be something missing, in some way I'm not good enough. All I really have to go on is that she said its either there from the start or its not. Could I have missed out on someone I could have spent forever with because it took me a few months to realise how amazing she is? Doesn't she know you can only fall in love with someone you know well? Love is never there from the start. Did those moments mean nothing to her? If so they were actually not moments at all? Sounds like I'm bitter now doesn't it? and I am, but only with love, not her. Love is so broken! Do you know anything about evolutionary psychology? It explains everything but don't read about it. Love is so broken I don't even believe in it anymore. But I'm still in love with her.

Most people tell me to move on, but I can't, is it naive to think there will never be anyone else? I don't see why, I never felt this way before. Don't know if I should give up, I read a story on EP about someone rejected by their best friend, they stayed friends, then three years later they are engaged. You never know what the future holds, it could happen. In the meantime I have to pretend that I don't have any feelings other than friendly ones. I hate lying but I told her I love her, if she understands what that means she can't expect that to go away so its not really lying is it?

How do I stay friends? I don't know what to say to her anymore, I can't say what I want to say.


freshfish freshfish
1 Response Mar 16, 2010

Honestly, it is very very difficult to stay 'friend's if 'love' is involved from either one.... The one in love will give giving in...when the other will continue receiving.... but not sure if she will ever return the same love ..unless she is ready some. That 'some day' may come...or it may not. So it all depends on how long you are willing to wait... or maybe wait as you move get me ? You might meet someone new....or you might meet lots but yet your heart stays with her...but will hers stays with you...thats a risk you have to take... Good Luck.