What Is Done Is Done

The break is still fresh as it just happened in January. The strange thing is, I thought it was just going to be this sweet and warm friendship with a hint of romance, something where I would probably never care deeply, something easily dismissed. My goodness was I ever wrong!!! So, it was like a reward if he (my Italian pen pal) mentioned anything about his friends or family. Everything was like a kept secret with him, dark and forbidden. But what he did tell me was he suffered from severe depression. He had a break with his family since very young, particularly since his views were different, even about religion. He never went into detail when I asked. He led his life differently then most and said he has been places most have not been because of his depression. I have no idea what that was when he told me. I am not fond of people keeping secrets, it scares me. Because I suffer from only moderate (not severe) depression and because I understood some of his frustration, I felt he was the only other person I ever met who I was most like in this world, my soul mate. He also appeared to be an HSP (highly sensitive person). But, there were times he would be sarcastic with me, which hurt. Let me make it clear, he and I were pen pals, friends.

But he was so sensitive, What led up to the severing of ties is ironic. November, I mentioned my feelings for him, he sends me a letter back stating he does not want a relationship with anyone in this world (yet he had about 11 of us ladies connected to his online profile). Another online friend (male) when I asked his opinion about my Italian pen pal told me to stay away from him and that he sensed the guy from Taranto, Italy  plays upon women's weaknesses and feelings. I did not want to believe it.  So, a month later after the Taranto, Italy  guy tells me he wants to die alone and not be involved with any romantic interests, he sends me a box of Baci chocolates (Italian chocolates) with love notes attached to each one along with a greeting card signed "With Affection" as a Christmas gift. So, when I inquired about it to him, he shut down and went silent on me. I thought why would someone not interested in me, ship me Italian chocolates from his continent to mine? What caused the sudden change? Then I told him if he was interested in someone else or had feelings for someone else to just let me go. Again, no response, so there was this time lapse of about a week or so. I had no idea what was going on with our email correspondence at that point. It appeared to be taking a romantic tone, which was confusing to me. I feel it all started with the chocolates with the love notes. 

So because he chose to be non-communicative I had no clue to what was going on in his mind, or if he ever plans to talk to email me ever again. I do not read minds. So, I thought my other friend was right, the man from Taranto, Italy  I then believed was playing with my feelings and my mind. So, I thought I better warn the other women on his profile. But I did not want to do it with my own screen name. I made up an additional one taking on a male persona (because I did not want to be identified) to warn them to be safe and ask lots of questions. Also, I figured one of the girls was a girlfriend or girl he took particular interest with as she was from his town of Taranto, Italy. So I was jealous, but respectfully warned her too. Turned out she was his cousin and told him about the email she received.  WAS HE BIPOLAR???

Apparently, out of all the women, I can only guess I was the only one he confided in. Because a day later he reported me to the site despite the male persona I had adopted! How would a player know it was me if he talks to lots of women online for the past six months? I thought if I behaved selfishly with the guy in Taranto, Italy that the outcome would be in my favor with the Italian guy, WRONG! He reported me to the site for harassment, this is after six months of the both of us e-mailing each other back and forth. Just before the incident, he had even sent me pictures of his nieces and his beloved cat at his home.  I really thought he was playing me for a fool. So, I wonder why he never bothered to ask me why I did what I did or even forgive me? I wonder why he did not notice that I was a good human being who made one quite foolish mistake. I believe maybe what I did was unforgivable as it was probably considered a betrayal of trust. All I know is I never did anything like that before the situation and will NEVER do anything like that again. 

Anyhow, I screwed up and he refuses to communicate with me, as he had me blocked. So, I had e-mailed him at his personal email address the next time around, still no response. I do not want to send him a snail mail, because I do not know how that will effect his severe depression. I do not want to appear as a stalker or harasser. I am sure he feels I betrayed his trust. But for the record, I did try to correct the wrong. With humility I apologized to him and his cousin and that what I realized what I did was wrong and that it was an impulse I did one Saturday and that I had thought his cousin was his girlfriend. I felt so awful.

But, my main concern now is that I don't want him to suffer more depression from what I did. He has a negative outlook on life as it is in the first place and I do not believe he is seeking professional help. So, I told his cousin in confidentiality, to please ensure he seeks expert medical help, because those that leave depression untreated without expert medical help, have a tendency to committ suicide. My mistake was telling him I cared deeply for him. Did I mention that after I received the chocolates, I had sent him a snail maily reply back thanking him and telling him the feelings of deep affection were mutual and that I loved him? So now I learned, never tell a man that you love him, particularly if he is a close friend.

I needed to tell you this because I feel like I'm Satan or something. I just wanted you to know, particularly when I suffer from moderate depression myself. Do you think he could ever forgive me some day? He was the only person on this earth I felt a dee connection with, because I think he was HSP like me, highly sensitive person.


minusasoulmate minusasoulmate
36-40, F
Feb 13, 2010