Isn't it amazing that a single moment in time can flip a switch inside of us and nothing is ever the same?

I can think of a hundred things that might have affected me in a significant way, but today they mean nothing more than a simple event in a passing instant in time.

I suppose its probably true for everybody. For example, didn't an apple falling off a tree inspire someone to discover gravity and soon everybody’s life was different? Or didn't the sight of a contented grandmother sitting in a chair inspire someone else to paint an exquisite piece of art. Why is everybody inspired differently? I mean, I love looking at the stars but I was never inspired to be an astronomer. I love the water and the ocean but was never compelled to be an oceanographer. Math never inspired me to be an engineer, in fact I may never know (or care) how far apart two trains are when traveling at different speeds in opposite directions. I’ve been on a boat, a train and a plane and have no burning desire to drive them. I even once tried to explain how to apply makeup to an anxious wannabe and only discovered I don't have patience or burning desire to be a teacher. So why is it that a single moment in time …a few harmless minutes one Saturday afternoon when I found myself in panties and a bra and my world is seemingly changed forever?

How is it possible that the wires in the brain can get so quickly short-circuited that our perception of life and the pursuit of happiness is forever changed. I honestly think if I had been hit by lightning my thought process could not have been more altered as it had the day my mother slipped a couple ounces of soft cotton onto my hips and chest in a harmless game of dress-up.

I mean, I had worn a dress several times before playing games with my sister. It was fun but not earth shattering. I pretended I was my sister’s girlfriend and it was no big deal. Heck! …I even pretended to speak with a higher voice while wearing a dress over my shorts and I never thought I would one day casually prance through life in rose-colored glasses.

But yet …there was that one moment in time …a few minutes staring at myself in a mirror and I would forever see my life and everything around me differently. I suppose it was no less consequential than the end of a war was to my grandfather, or to others discovering that their ship would not fall off the edge of the flat earth.

For me, it was simply the day my mother joined our harmless game and introduced me to makeup and curls, and a skirt and blouse. No, it was more than that was on that same day she slipped a pair of pink panties up my legs and over my hips and methodically fitted a small matching bra to my chest. At that singular moment my life was inexplicably changed forever. Did I really discover the closely guarded secret that girls have been desperately keeping to themselves? Was my perception of life so changed by seeing the reflection of my new stepmother hugging this cute little blond girl in the mirror and whispering her loving affection that forever inspired me? Whatever the reason, after that moment my life became bright radiant shades of pink instead of dingy gray.

I have no logical explanation what chemical process was in play to have such a permanent impact. And now, I suddenly realize there were even more events in my life that are contrary to my genetics that have confirmed to one degree or another my status as a member of “a” fairer gender, if not “the” fairer gender.

Have others had a singular moment in time that caused a cosmic shift in the direction of their lives? -perhaps even putting them on path lined with petticoats and curls?
deleted deleted
17 Responses Aug 16, 2014

You nailed it. There was definitely a shift when someone else accepts and helps you.

That was sooo well written! 😊

in my opinion is like a statue in marble. is there waiting for an artist to sculpt. he pull it out. maybe some of us have something inside that if it is accidentally set into motion explodes in what we have become.

I as a man have no desire to be a woman. But it took one time dressed as a woman without makeup or a wig to convince me to wear womens cloths full time. What you wrote is very true. I have gotten rid of all my mens cloths. Your writing is very parallel to me. Thank you for your insight.

I find my perceptions evolve more slowly. There does come a day when I wonder becomes l know.

What a wonderful discourse on the impact of small events in our lives. I'm sure that I had played dress ups with my sisters before. It can't have been a one time thing. But the one day I remember and continue to try to go back and recreate is the day my brother and I decided to put on skirts without anything on underneath. The feel of the skirt rubbing across my hardness is a memory I'll never forget and was the moment when I discovered that I liked girl things. For most of my life I have tried to resist it thinking it was bad and naughty. But it keeps coming back as an overwhelming desire to wear something feminine. Part of it had been the sexual arousal, but there is a deeper need that has arisen since my libido has declined. I can't pass as a girl and don't want to live full time as one, but I love getting in touch with my feminine side as an enjoyable Hobbie or pastime. I'm sure that a big part of the attraction is the taboo nature of it. If everyone was doing it I don't think it would be near as fun. And if I had to do it full time I'm pretty sure I'd get tired of it. So hidden Hobbie it is.

I think that dabbling in our moms or sisters thing resonates with some of us and just passes by others. At 4 I found pantyhose in the bathroom and tried them on. From that point on hosiery became a focal point of my thinking.

One of my best guy friends confided that he'd tried pantyhose and the experience left him pretty Meh about it. He says he's worn them to keep warm but he doesn't really like the look of them on women (his wife never wears either).

So this sends me down the path of something feminine that we touch resonates with that inner girl. Some people are mostly one gender but I think much of humanity falls anywhere in the spectrum. Society teaches us to hide and squash tendencies from our opposite gender.... But a brave few of us embrace our completness. Some take paths to the other side of the spectrum (and some belonged there in the first place) while others find peace in the fluidity.

I wish my parents would reacted in this way when I was caught

this was an excellent story. I personally believe that we have gone down this road simply because it's what we were surrounded with for a period of time; through childhood and into adolescent years. We can glorify or vilify what we are. I've tried to stop doing it but I always come back to it because it's what I feel comfortable with and I'm sure others would agree.

i was transfixed by your story. it's surreal to read how something seemingly so innocent and fun ignited this in you. it seems improbable, but most of us know it wasn't.

i think for many of us there is the combination of something in our chemistry/genes that sits latent within us until there is an event like your dress-up moment. i think another boy in exactly the same circumstances might have been unfazed. it wasn't there in his soul. but for you and for most of us, it was.

i was really sensitive to this with my own son growing up. i took care to never introduce anything girly in his young life. i would remind my wife not to place his sister's freshly-cleaned panties in the same laundry basket and leave it near his room for any length of time. i guarded against feminine Halloween costumes and anything that might introduce this kind of scenario. i just don't ever want my son to go through the angst and double-lives most of us lead and/or suppress.

for me, there were several seemingly random events. the first i can remember was when neighborhood girls with a card table set-up asked me if i'd like to have my nails "done" ... i said "no" but so wanted to! but beyond that, there were these things: being often spanked by my father with a belt; being a late-bedwetter; having a grandmother who was constantly sewing cute dresses for my sister; having to move a lot as a kid (7 times in my first 9 years) ... and having so few friends.

since my (our) "condition" is 95% locked in, i do wish i had had that seminal moment you wrote about, kaylee. something sweet and fun. something girl-to-girl. something so obviously transformative, as you look back on it now.

wonderful story. thanks for sharing it and so much of your amazing life with us.


Great story, Kaylee, in that it makes all of us really think and ponder our past.
For me, the seminal moment was two-fold. First, it was when I insisted on having curlers in my hair when I was five when my mom and a friend were setting each other's hair. I have no idea why I was so fascinated with curlers. Perhaps because back then they were exclusive to girls/
Second, I had a powerful dream one night that I was a girl and I was so excited. Had I been older, I am sure I would have had an ******.
I knew then and there that I had a lot of girl inside.
Was I encouraged to be feminine by my mom and others? I really don't know. However, I expect I came wired from the factory as girl and others simply reacted to my feminine interests.
Unlike you, in a household with a father and brother, I learned how to "do boy" semi-decently and after realizing boys aren't supposed to like hair ribbons, curlers, panties and petticoats, I learned to hide (and even suppress) my girl side.
Surprise, she was always lurking right below the surface, thank goodness! I just wish someone had realized how much girl I had in me so I had a confidante in femininity.

Kaylee, virtually none of us have gone as far into femininity as you, but that doesn't mean we don't dream about growing up girl and becoming a daughter. So you dream about being a boy. Uh, that's a twister- the boy who is raised as a girl and dreams of being a boy. I guess that's why they sell scorecards at the ballpark!

It's always similar. Me wanting to be like my sister, so wearing her clothes made me feel more like her. Then I was bitten with the cd bug to never return to being a regular boy again.

Yes indeed. Although not so pleasant in my situation, it was most likely the cruelty of my first grade teacher who launched a gender issue my way. You are an excellent writer. Perhaps we can compare notes, even though we are from different generations. I intend to write a sequel for my book; perhaps....well, let's see.

Thank you. I am considering writing with another author. It could be very interesting writing together. We are close to forty years apart, yes! That would be very interesting. I don't know if this had been done before, but my publisher has ask me for a good sequel. Some readers asked for greater details, but I was pressed for time. Perhaps I could re-write some parts and compare it to your experience.
It's an idea.

It doesn't really matter what it was that made you into what you are today, as long as you are happy with who you are :)

The problem is that there are too many who don't like what you may be today. Some may even want to kill you. Years ago, A young person was thrown over a ledge and died because four men thought that he was gay. It was learned later that he was effeminate but definitely not gay. These four men were walking after four years.

Yes but I refuse to live in fear.

Wish that I could do the same; be careful.

I seriously don't think that you will have to wait long Kayleew. I honestly believe that you are very secure. You will go through ups and downs. The downs could be horrible (I remember well). Changes (hormones) can play nasty tricks on your mind. Keep family, friends and those you trust close by. You will be happy to have them around to help.
If you get a chance Google: "He's my Little Girl" by M. A. Damien and read the intro to my book.
My "secure" is far different from yours. You were accepted as a girl from an early age at least from your family and your neighborhood. I, on the other hand, had to follow a very different path.

It is so much easier when one is very passable. You can be with a crowd and no one would notice.

2 More Responses

I believe a teacher made me into a cross-dresser; maybe not entirely, but she was no stranger to the cause. Check it out on Google: "He's my Little Girl" by M.A. Damien.

This happened when I was six or so (in grade 1). My teacher would sometimes call me her "little girl". This was an all boys' class. The turning point was when first communion pics were taken. To keep a long story short, my teacher yelled out while pointing at me "He's my little girl". Everyone laughed and sneered; they were the whole class, the photographer, a couple of spare teachers and a handful of parents.
It was funny for them, but a disaster for me.

Yes. When I was younger me and my little sister would dress up as opposites. I just loved wearing her dresses.

For me it was Halloween when I was 13.