3 Times the Charm....not!

First School:: From 14 - 16; It was HELL!!! I was bullied, picked on, and the final straw was having a vicious prank pulled on me. I pretty much said "**** IT!", quit and went into a program for suicide pervention during my summer. Then I tried again....

Second School:: From 17 - 18; I didn't last at this school and yet it was the nicest one....until the new year and new students. It was an "alternative" school, there were no students under 16 and most were in their twenties.... The person who RAPED me when I was 9 showed up as a student. That's when my panic attacks came back full force. I had the courage to tell a teacher.... They said to "forgive him, IF he did that thing. That he had a HARD childhood & probably didn't realize what he was doing.... and was I sure it wasn't just 'playing doctor' that maybe got a little carried away!" I felt like I had been VIOLATED all over again. I hated her in that moment so much.... I thanked her for her time, walked out and NEVER went back......

Third School:: 20 - 22; Got most of my credits this time. The only other good thing about it was I got in touch with Shane again. We didn't make it that time or the 2 times after that. I loved him since I was 20, waited over 10 years for him to wake up and see me. Spent 5 years with him, and he's gone now....Back home to his family. Found some stuff out over the last 48 hours that makes me question everything we had. Sad but I don't know what else to believe. Anyway, back to why I quit the 3rd time, guess who showed up at this school too....YEP, got it on the first guess... The guy who raped me.

I was so paranoid for so long that when I quit that school, I went directly onto disability because I couldn't even leave my f*ckin' appartment for fear he'd be there. I was so full of fear. Had nightmares for years, couldn't even go out shopping. It felt like he was stalking me.... Found out later through a friend that knew his girlfriend at the time, that he had actually BRAGGED about raping me and being too chicken **** to tell anyone. I found that out, I cried for weeks.... Because he was RIGHT. To this day, that is the one thing that I can not FORGIVE myself for.... I kept my mouth shut and let him rape me whenever he wanted for a year and I never TOLD anyone. 

STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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1 Response Feb 13, 2009

I'm so so so sorry this happened. Its terrible to call yourself to chickensh@ and allow yourself to talk to yourself that way. That teacher was an a@@hole and should have supported you. You needed and deserved and required support and love and a feeling of safety from another human being. The REASON kids have parents is because they CANNOT do it alone. They just can't. Thats why kids below 16 cannot sign contracts.<br><br />
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When I started reading your experience I said to myself I LOVE this person. Because your experience is so like my experience. I was a straight a student who couldn't make the transition to junior high, and I was attacked bullied raped etc. And I didn't do anything but feel fear and blame myself. DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF BEATING UP ON YOURSELF. Part of you is still that 9 yr old that needs comforting protection love and support. That part of you still needs to be rescued and only you can do it now, cause you are the adult. You need to hug and love and tell yourself you understand why you were afraid, and that its okay and NORMAL that a child be afraid. You did a damn good job surviving with that poison in your system all this time. Not being protected, and being preyed on put that poison in your system NOT YOU.<br><br />
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That attacker is part of an ugly system that is NOT a reflection of YOU. <br><br />
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If I were to see a nine year old being raped, and being terrified I would NEVER call her stupid. You were not stupid. I was NOT stupid. We were kids. <br><br />
Please love yourself the way you deserve. It wasn't your responsibility to save yourself. You couldn't. But you survived long enough to save that inner child now. Please comfort yourself instead of criticizing yourself. Get Mad at THEM not the little child (that little child is still in you).<br><br />
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LIke I said I LOVED you because your story was sooo close to my story, and I am soo sad that its the same in that respect. Save yourself years of self abuse and just meditate and hug and hold the little girl that you were. Visualize hugging her, talking to her, telling her that its not her fault, tell her that its okay to be afraid. Tell her that you would call the police now if anything happened. Tell her that you wont let anything happen to her again. Tell her that you love her, and that she was good and deserved to be saved then, and that you are saving her now. Love yourself the way you deserved to be loved then and make a pact with yourself that you will keep yourself safe. And about never leaving the house, you may find that if you support and love an solemnly swear to call the cops and to protect yourself, that eventually you will be able to leave the house. Do all that you can do to protect yourself and make your journeys out of the house safe. You can do it, you have made it this far. I don't know you, but I love you and support you. pm me if you need to talk.<br><br />
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I dropped out of my advanced classes in junior high.<br><br />
I dropped out of my special smart people high. (actually I just wandered out for no reason, repeatedly) so the guidance counselor saw how high my scores were and sent me to College, where I dropped out.<br><br />
Then I dropped out of a trade school.<br><br />
Then I started college again and dropped out again.<br><br />
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I am sure I have left something out.<br><br />
Oh, I quit a few jobs too, because I felt weird.<br><br />
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Do not blame yourself. You were never stupid. You were ATTACKED. Be on your own team now, and get mad at THEM not the nine year old who has been repeatedly raped.<br><br />
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Wishing you self empowerment, self love, and silly looking all important self hugging! <br><br />
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Please finally support that child and do not ever call what she did stupid. If you found a raped 9 year old cowering and crying somewhere would you call her stupid? Stop doing it to the child within yourself. LOVE HER!