The Holly, The Maple, The Mighty White Pine, The W T F

The Mighty White Pine, HA - that's a joke if ever I heard one.

Last winter’s back to back blizzards did the forest around our home no good. Good Grief, the white pine right at the corner of the house lost big limbs into the yard and against the house and on the roof; the white pine at the opposite corner lost some branches, too; a third white pine faked me out waiting for the front passage before losing a big limb. The holly on the other side of the yard had a big limb hanging down but still attached, blocking sunlight from the yard. An arborvitae lost some and had some hanging. The maple in the front yard by the parking area lost a little limb - but that was just setting me up for the weekend’s cold front passage with 75 mph winds when it lost a big limb on her car. And then there are the WTF trees. Dead, unidentifiable, several are standing in a row uglifying [how’s that for a word, spellchecker] the view from the back porch. And more are lying on the ground covered in ivy, BUT still sending up suckers making the ivy bed ugly, too.

Enter Logger Satin, who, I truly believe deserves the title Lumberjack.

By myself, I made big piles of these branches so as to reclaim some backyard space. I climbed up alongside the holly to cut down the hanging branch as well as prune some sun blockers. I got the big limb off the roof but found there was another one behind it which would wait till last week, just before the front passage. Then I cut down the WTF trees. (And those little devils, though they were dead are sending up suckers I have to clear out about every week and a half.)

So last spring, (more piles have recently shown up, it’s a never-ending story) I have a huge pile of limbs in the front gravel driveway (going to the abandoned garage) and two more huge piles in the backyard. My housemate get promises of help but no body shows up until one of the neighbor’s grown children offers to help but part of that help involves taking the wood to the dump - which charges. He does know a place that will burn the non-pine so he takes his gas powered chain saw (did I say old [and I do mean old] Satin has a battery operated reciprocating saw with a few dull blades?) and cuts the really big wood into smaller chunks and trucks it away - or if it‘s pine, he leaves it for poor old Satin to finish.

So, now I still have three huge piles of limbs (with, unbeknownst to me, more to come recently) that are only slightly smaller. It turns out that the county will take care of the smaller stuff, under 3 inches in diameter, so long as it is tied into bundles of no more than sixty pounds containing no stick over 4 feet long or over three inches in diameter. Those huge piles of branches made one heck of a lot of bundles.

I’m not going to publish a lot of photos of limbs everywhere, of huge piles of limbs, of huge piles of bundles, of Logger Satin hauling all that wood from the back yard to the front street side, either in big sticks or bundles.

Just so you have some idea of what I’ve been talking, below is a picture of a pile of branches that I just pruned in the front yard. My goal is to make that whole mess into a bundle that a person with one heave could throw on the county truck.

The first couple of bundles I made by laying two pieces of string on the ground and piling the wood on them and trying to tie them tight enough to not fall apart. That’s hard unless they are all straight pieces with no little nubbins on them, very hard. Then I remembered the straps my wife and I bought to use on our bondage board. We only used the bondage board once but Oh Boy; these straps have been a lifesaver since I became a Lumberjack.

So now I lay the two straps down and lay the wood, cut or broken to be no longer than four feet (although I don’t imagine the county will have a tape measure on the truck so I don’t use one either. Four feet is just about to my nipples) across the straps.

When that whole mess of branches going every which way has been cut to size and placed across the straps their beauty can be seen. They hook together without disturbing the bundle and then they tighten without needing a third hand, and tighten and tighten until that big mess is a small bundle, ready to be tied. Tie two strings around it; release the straps and voilà, a string-tied bundle ready for the county. That little bundle was once the big mess.


MPsslavetommy MPsslavetommy
70+, M
2 Responses Aug 1, 2010

Thank You my Mistress, as You well know I Iive to please You AND to tell the truth.<br />
I think the neighbors are desperately wondering what goes on in this house. Me, wandering around naked with collar at all hours.Her making LOUD phone callsof sexual complaint. And mice and polished nails on me---<br />
Which mauve would please You, my Mistress?---Now that there is a Lumberjack group with lumberjack stories maybe some other impressive woodworking (woodworking HA) stories with pictures will be posted.Speaking of which, today might be good for going back on the roof.

Two of My favorite photos on one page -- Logger Satin and the gorgeous photo of your Garnet-nailed hand reaching for the chainsaw. (Which reminds Me, My slave, it's manicure day. I'm thinking one of the mauves.)<br />
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Although I'd already heard about the workload, seeing the bundles really drove home how much effort you put into this. I'm rather surprised not to see the before and after pics of your time on the roof, though -- now those are dramatic shots.<br />
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I still get a giggle over what your neighbors must think, first seeing Lumberjack Satin with chainsaw in manicured hand, followed not too long after by naked slave satin with collar, cuffs, and half-dead mouse. (you just know they are desperately trying to not to figure out what in the hell you use the mouse for!)<br />
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I also want to tell you how very pleased I am to see a second story in which she's been demoted from TWW to housemate, My slave. The inspiration behind your confession is doing you, and in turn Me, a world of good.