Tonight, I Feel Haunted

Tonight I went to the valley - I haven't gone there to party in any shape or form since I left S.  I went with a girlfriend from work, who didn't know me until after I broke up with him, and has never met him.   I wanted to talk about all the things that happened but didn't because talking about exes is boring for people not in the story.  Since I left S I haven't let myself think about any of the good times - at first this was because I had gone back to him so many times that I needed all the conviction I could muster.  But tonight I wanted to there - to remember all the times S and I went to the valley but I'm stopping myself.  Its an odd feeling; to be aware of a self-imposed amnesia.  My memories just keep hitting a wall and bouncing back and honestly, I'm not forcing it.  What I'm saying is: I am the biggest dreamer, I drift of into nostalgia and daydreams and memories all the time - but I can't drift off into those years that I was with him.  I find this unsettling, I feel sad that I can't/won't remember the good times- if they ever really existed.  It feels like everything was a lie - so I'm embarrassed and lonely and sad - above all, I'm sad. 

Sometimes I even want to speak to him - I know that I've been building up to this for a few weeks - it starts with me feeling sorry for him.  For him to treat me like that means he must have suffered in his life  and so I feel sorry for him.  I think that if I let myself remember his face then I will want to talk to him - to check if he is ok.   And this is not something I really want to do.  How do I shake his ghost? how do I just accept it as the past and move on when that man and his actions have a major bearing on who I have become.  I feel llike I've suffered enough from him - I want to be free...
Harriette Harriette
22-25, F
Aug 4, 2007