Two Weeks Worth Of Revelations...a Lifetime's Worth Of Loss....

It is with regret that I type this story.  I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined these circumstances.  In the past two weeks, my entire world has come to an end....seemingly each day heaping new revelations upon an already intolerable situation.  Right now, as I type, Tiger is outside working on my car..getting her ready to drive to my parents' house this coming Thursday.  And me?  I just got done crying my eyes out...tears are still apparent on my face....and having yet another hit.  I feel I have suffered so very many losses recently...I scarcely know which one to mourn or which one to try to heal.  We're supposed to be trying to work on things....and I AM trying....as I know he is.  But, I feel like the world is quicksand beneath my feet....ever shifting without warning, sinkholes appearing out of nowhere. 

Every way I turn is another loss.  I have lost my belief, or rather was forced to, in the one thing I held to be true above all others.  I have lost my belief in my partner....and struggle daily to get back somewhere near to a halfway "normal" relationship.  I have lost faith in my decision making ability.  I find, after having compromised my principles for my lover, that he not only didn't appreciate it, but looked down on me for giving it to him....and blamed me for the failure of the relationship.  I have lost faith in my sexuality...all the things he said then, he says now...with the same passion, and the same touches and kisses.  I feel ashamed that I did so very many things, just for him....things I have never done before,and would have done for no one else, at his encouragement...and let him make love to me..and lie to me...and make me believe he was in love with me.  I have lost respect for myself..period.   I gave this man everything...only to be called ungrateful.  Because of him and his wife, I lost my house...she had to make sure my ex knew all about Don and myself, before I told him.  He reneged on an as yet unsigned , but long agreed to, property settlement.  I have lost my independence.  I quit my job....a low paying, but dependable job that I was GOOD at....to move here.  This was never the plan in the first place...but all along the way, she kept forcing our hands...and has been a ***** to deal with, too!  He was going all over the place telling people about how ungrateful I was, and how much he had done for me..never mentioning or acknowledging all I had given up.  I lost my family....my only sister died in March...making me the only child my parents have left living.  They really want and need me there, but I put US first...with the assumption that he would do the same.  Instead, he heaped deception upon deception...and when faced with a choice to come clean, would stall and change the subject or obfuscate some other way. It took him a full week to decide to tell me exactly what happened.  A week of me begging and crying and accusing and pleading...only to have my worst nightmare come true...a little at a time..as if by accident.  Chance things I happened to say, and his responses...while honest, as far as I know...broke my heart further with each new level of realization. 

The person who loved me above all others is the person I need comfort about...how ******* tragic is that?  And how stupid can one girl be?  Everything was falling apart around me...the one premise on which I based all else no longer in effect, without my knowledge.  Me who is so very good at "reading between the lines".  In fact..I DID read between the lines correctly...and was scoffed at , at every turn.  Being told "this doesn't mean what you think it means" or "that's not what I meant"..."try to look at things my way".  Well, it DID mean what I thought it meant, it WAS what you meant, and  YOUR way lead to our downfall.  And the whole while, the love we shared was gone from your gaze...you were looking beyond...and continuing to let things fall apart...without even having the decency and courage enough to at least let me know!  You let me,no encouraged me to, continue in the behavior you knew was ruining everything.  As you proclaimed your everlasting love to me all over creation..as you let everyone,including me, believe you were truly the whiteknight..misunderstood romantic and poet...honest as the day was long...longing for your soulmate,and ecstatic that you had found her.

I am full of so many competing feelings/losses....my soul is just too heavy with the weight of it all...I have no idea how to get any of this back...and yet, have sworn to try.  I feel betrayed, sad, angry, confused, embarrassed, ugly...worthless.  I am that same girl...and you are that same man...how can things be different?
I know that even as you understand that I have to go through this, it is, at the same time (familiar phrase?) pushing you away.  No turn I make is right...I lose every way I decide to go.  And I have only myself to blame...for compromising myself so completely and for being so ******* honest, when he , indeed, had no intention of doing the same..in fact, avoided it at every chance..and then made excuses why he had.  Excuses I knew were bullshit, but that I let him feed me, anyway.  Taking the bait..making trouble in the relationship, thereby justifying his actions.  Accepting his criticizm about my role in the relationship's failure..and putting the blame upon my own shoulders at his berating.  Even as he took steps to leave me behind, I prostrated myself  to him...begged his forgiveness,which he gave me, generously.  I am hurt beyond belief and devastated at this turn of events. 

I find I cannot concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes, nor make any decisions quickly.  All I can hear is the deceitful words......the same as the "new, true" words....and wonder.....OMG....and fear.......

So, yes..I am  going all the way down...I cannot even see how to regain control of myself.
lonesurvivor lonesurvivor
56-60, F
13 Responses Aug 8, 2010

It is so very disheartening to know that things are still so similar to this all this time later. :(

Thank you so much for always understanding and supporting me, Orchid! I love you , too. I know the circumstances in which you find yourself, as well, and that makes me appreciate your time all the more!<br />
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As always,<br />
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

My sweet Lotus...you always speak the truth to me..and from a place of love. Thank you so very much for listening to my sordid tale, and supporting me no matter what ****** up decision I make. I love you very much.<br />
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xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

You've tried as hard as you can. The relationship can only be sustained if both partners are willing to try. I see you trying and the other half is pulling away, demeaning you and not giving you the love you want. <br />
You need to gain the means and confidence to leave. A hard truth, yes. But an honest one.<br />
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Hugs,<br />
lotusdrop

I love you lots, Lotus!!!! You are always here for me!!<br />
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xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Hey hun. We've talked about your situation privately often. Please know I'm here for you. Love u hun.

I sooooo appreciate your sweet comment and thoughtful, hard-learned advice!! That's pretty much what I'm doing. I think he'll handle it any way I want...he does take the blame for his actions and is trying to rectify them. Thank you so much for your good wishes...we're gonna need em!!<br />
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xoxoxoxoxo

The song 'Killing me Softly' comes to mind. Did you find my letter and re-type it here? Wow. I understand as much as a man behind a computer screen can. <br />
You need clarity and for some reason it only comes in TIME. Yes, the great "time heals all wounds". Don't worry I don't believe it either. DON'T try to shuffle through all the issues or even find one to 'fix'. Only make those decisions you MUST. Never feel rushed to make a choice. It only leads to more pain due to making a poor choice. <br />
If you have no job remain silent about the future with this relationship. If you say you think it is over and the other party argrees;where will you go? All I can say is do not make any decisions in haste. I learned this from experience. Evaluate where this relationship is going and if you are on board. If you are having problems focusing then start journaling (HIDE your journal) this may help. I wish you the best!

You are so very welcome, chiquita69....I really needed to write it. I never considered that it might turn out this way....even worse than my worst fears. All I can do now is try to rebuild what we started with...and go from there. It's not easy, by any means....and sometimes, I wonder if we can do it.<br />
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I'm so sorry for the situation in which you find yourself...I just left a 22 year marriage myself, to be with Tiger, so I kinda identify. If you ever need to talk, please know that whenever Im online, I'm available to talk to you....or you can PM me , anytime ....<br />
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Penny<br />
xoxoxo<br />
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This is perhaps, my most prominent fear. I identify with so much of what you have shared here....it is terrifying to me. I have 25 years and three children with my husband and yet I, too, see the writing on the wall. The Inevitability.<br />
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I haven't felt that he has truly "loved" me, in nearly 15 years, ten of those years, I have been quite sure of it. But he prides himself on being "responsible" and "selfless"....while the truth is he is a classic narcissist and always has been. <br />
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Sadly, to my husband, appearances and perceptions are much more important than reality or the truth.<br />
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This hit entirely too close to home, but I needed to read it. Thank you for sharing it with me.

Thank you, Jerrica..I needed the hug!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
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i'm so sorry for all that you're going through, i don't know what else to say :( but i know one thing: YOU ARE NOT STUPID! you're human and you won't be the last person to be sucked in and deceived by the one you love. *HUGS*

Thank you so much, my friend, for your support. There was deception...on a grand scale...but, there was also real, true love. And I assure you, my love for Tiger never wavered....we had problems, but I ALWAYS loved him....and did my best to give him what he wanted. He had to make up his mind exactly what that was, and now we're trying to put the pieces back together again.<br />
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Once again...thank you...so very much, for your support!!!!!<br />
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