Love, Heartbreak, Betrayal, And Everything In Between.

I've been with my girlfriend for 5yrs now. When we met she was a single mother with two beautiful girls, she was 24 and I was 21. We date for a year when we moved in together. It was never something really official we talked about it just sort of happen. Along the way I played the role of a father for her two girls and with the role I learn to love and adore her daughters which I now consider mine. For the first year things were find and then the second years things got a little hard. We moved out a bigger apartment and more responsibility with the girls in school and work and life in general. In Sept. of 09 she broke up with me and I moved out and I went back to my parents.

During this period of time a mutual friend was making his moves on her and for whatever reason she respond and they had their fling for this month time that we were separated. Mean while during this time I was heart broken I lost a family and I felt horrible not being able to meet the demands that a family man has to meet. I was completely unaware of her relationship with this friend at the time. So, I was trying my best to get her back. Trying to change my mentality, my views of fatherhood.

Since, she couldn't make the rent on the apartment on her own she moved out to a different place, this other guy made promise to her that he would help her that he would be a father for her girls and that he would take care of her. Moving day came around for her and he helped her moved but then he stop calling stop answering calls stop showing up. Apparently, he got back with his ex-girlfriend which surprisingly was one of my girls bff, so much for that friendship!

So, my girl was left alone to settle into this house and struggle to put thing together. I was coming around helping her wanting to help her trying to be just friends when deep down I want our relationship back. Finally, after about a month and half just try to show my good character my desire to be a family with her, we got back together. It was nice at first, the sex was great and we feeling was fine but I never felt her love 100%. And she got into a depression that I couldn't get her out of.

December came around and she goes to Mexico for Xmas, she went for three weeks, before she left she told me that she didn't know if she want a relationship or if she want be with me. She said that she cared for me and want to know that if I still want to live with her as roommates only with benefits. I didn't know what to say at the time. So, she left and I was schedule to meet her there for the final week in December. So, during this time that she wasn't around I was thinking and going out a lot and I thought about not meeting her in Mexico. After all she told me she wasn't sure about us and that she was going to be thinking about me or us while she was there. Which to me means she was going to party and enjoy her family and her kids there without me. So, I did the same. Finally the day came for me to fly out. I had doubts about going but I went anyways, 1. because I had a non refundable tix and 2. I want to see her.

When we were in Mexico that's when she spilled the beans about her fling with our friend. I honestly felt horrible about it. I allowed someone else to come in to my home and have his way with my girl, but I was also mad at her but I couldn't be since we weren't together at the time. She told me that he had sweet talked her and that he told all the pretty girls like to hear, that she felt like he was her Prince Charming! F-king Prince Charming! Anyways, I felt bad for her that she was depress for this reason she meant to me she still had feelings for this guy but she negated them and I forgave her and we tried to patch things up and work it out together and try to be a family again.

Spring come around and things are fine the girls are doing good in school and I'm doing my role as a family man to take care of the house hold. In late April her mother and Step-father are out of work and have to move in with us. She calls me at work to tell me the news and her plan of action is for her parents to move and for me to move out. She says that we can still be together but just not living together. I couldn't believe we were suppose to be a family to work together and manage things through but I tried my best to accept what she want and we thing got for OK to worse with the first week her parent moved she fessed up that she wasn't happy with me anymore and that I should leave.

So, I left again. This time accepting the ugly misery of defeat. I wasn't going to chase her back but I was going to keep trying to be a father for our girls. So, I would come around for them. After a month of being separated I found out that she met up with that guy again, she went to Vegas with him and she was planning on starting something serious. I couldn't believe it was complete distraught, heartbroken, enrage, you name it I felt it. I told my immature anger out on Facebook calling her a ***** and ***** and liar. I felt betrayed, lied too. How could she have gone back with this guy who fked her and left her never returning a call, this guy who she told me she had so much rage for, because he manipulated her and made her believe him.

He gave expensive purse, phone, ipod, paid her bills ect...and he even took her to Arizona to watch one of our favorite bands. I couldn't deal with it so I cut her out of my life and out of my heart. I decided that I was going to move on with my life.

I started going out. I partied a lot and drank a lot. I went to the gym worked try to reconnect with friends I had lost touch with because of her, tried to regain a sense of who I was before the family man had come to being. And it was great I enjoyed every minute of it. I flirted with who ever I wanted to, I felt good and looked good. While I was in this phase I met a girl who happen to be a friend of my ex now. I knew they were friends and all but I didn't care. I talked to her at first it was never any attraction we just talked a lot and about a lot of things. Slowly and slowly things started to come about.

Mean while, my ex, I guess did some soul searching and realized the mistake she made and broke things off with this guy and was trying to get me back. I refused. I rejected her. I didn't answer her calls, or her text. She search for me came looking for me at work and home. She put herself to a low point and mind you she a very prideful woman.

And I took advantage. I saw how I could have my way with her and I did. I didn't care at the time I was just thinking about me and not about anything else. I didn't care that she was sorry that she made a mistake that she now wants me and loves me 100%. Mean while I still talking to this other girl and things are good that attraction starts to build up. But I don't react with her, I hesitate to make my move. I don't know why. I just did. So, I'm talking to both of them and I'm caught in between, there was an event that I had promise to take my ex and it was about three weeks away. When I get an email through Facebook, and its the the other guy's girl. My girls bff. She asking me that if I know whether her guy and my girl have seen each other. And me in my stated of mind of hating this guy and mad at my girl tell this girl everything that my girl has told me about what they did together about the things he bought and the things he said.

A few hours later I get a call from my ex asking me if I talk to her old friend and I said yes, and ask what I said I told her everything you told me. She yelled at me over the phone telling me that this chic is just using me to get info about her and this guy.. and that's when I hit the brakes. I tell her I don't care that your mad that I told her she asked a question and I answer it, if it upsets you then too bad and the only reason your calling me is because she told him and now he's telling you and your calling me to yell at me for it. I told her that I didn't think me and her getting together was ever going to work out and I hung up.

I decided to take this other girl the the event and we had a blast. I had so much fun with this chic it was unbelievable I felt like I could be myself again and not try to play this role or try to be this figure for anyone.

So, after my ex keeps trying and trying she looks for me, she comes to my house and gives me the best sex we ever had, I somehow give in. Now this is almost three months after we broke of her trying and trying. I think about it and how I want the family with her and how I want to move forward in life with her and the girls. Sure, I was very hurt, and made with her, furious even. But somehow I said to myself I will forgive her and move on. I went to the other girl to break things off to tell her that I couldn't see anymore that I need to be alone. I couldn't tell her the truth somehow I felt to embarrassed to her after I had told her everything that happen between me and my ex for me to get back with her would seem to others as a bone headed move. So, I just told that I need to clear things in my head. We kiss finally, and I left and things stopped there.

As my girl and I tried to patch things up again. She would show me all this love, so much so that I felt so smoother..so drowned.. I tried to tell her about it.. that it was to much, that I need space to readjust to things to try to forget and move on. But I couldn't I would get images of her with him. His hands on her body and her enjoying it leaving me to be with him. I felt the rage again and it was difficult to deal with but I tried my best. I said I was going to commit to her and that's what I was going to do. So, we agree to start slow with me living separately from her and seeing each other like before we moved in together. I was going to school so for me it was better I'd have time to study and to be me. She didn't like but was willing to go with it because she want us to work out badly.

Again I took advantage I called the girl I was see up again. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I want to see her again just to confirm this feeling that I had that if I still felt it I would break up with my girl and go with her. We talked on the phone and tried to meet up but every-time something prevented us. I took it as a sign and just stop trying. I decided that it wasn't right.

My girl and I talk about how I feel and the things that come to mind about her and him. She try's to make me believe and feel that she didn't feel anything for this guys like she does for me. And I try to go with it. She asks me who I took the the event. I hesitate for a moment and I tell her who. She ask if we did anything there if I was on drugs, I told yes I was on drugs and no we didn't do anything, she ask me if anything happened between us and I tell her no nothing happen. I don't tell her anything about the kiss. Why should I? I don't have the trust to tell her after all that she put me through. Forget it I thought.

During this time I close my Facebook page and so did she. We were trying to fix things and didn't want the outside world peeking in or us looking out. So things are ok for a few month a little shaky. Once in a while we would fight about the same old issues.

A year later in Feb she open her Facebook page I don't want her too but she does it anyway. I don't say anything and just go with it. In April I open mine old one again. And right away there's a comment for the girl I was seeing, saying I should delete all my post since your a family man now.. and my girl see it.. and it just explodes from there. She goes through all my history of comments that me and this girl wrote to each other she sees how we were starting to build an attraction and how close we got. She was jealous, furious for me not telling her. And once again we were brought back to a world of fight and talking about event that at this point happen a year ago.

It's hard for the first few weeks after that for her to talk to me again. She says that I lied to her. I told her no I didn't lie I just didn't tell you about it. Lieing would you asking me about it and me saying something different. I said you asked if we anything happen and no nothing happen you didn't asked about what we talked about. I apologize for my mistake and we talk and move on.

But there was always this feeling of resentment because in my mind its like why are you mad at me when you did the same thing with someone else.

We spend the summer in a between stage not loving but not mad we would fight and have a passive aggressive attitude towards each other. I thought about leaving, just packing my **** and calling it quits but I thought to myself thats too easy I love this girl and I love my daughters I want to make it work I want to fix things and move on and try to be happy. During the summer a cousin of her stays with us from Mexico and I feel bad for her she had to living through our arguments and fits.

By November things are semi OK..we go to Las Vegas, with a few friends some that I partied with while I was single.The drive there is fine everyone beside me is have a drink. We get the the room and start drinking and having a good time and then a friend starts doing coke and we at this point I'm having a good buzz and I give in. She later finds out I did it.. she asks me and in the spirit of trying to be honest and do things right I say yes, she gets mad and well I get mad. In my head I'm thinking we're in Vegas we're here to party let me loose up why the hell are you mad. But it doesn't work that way.. I in my passive aggressive nature just get my weed and walk out the room for a walk come back to the room and on the elevator my friends there asks me do I wanna go to a bar I say of course ..I leave once again without telling her and then a few hours later I return back to the room and sleep. The next day things are ugly she not talking to me she not listing to me..we got to concert and she doesn't want to ride with me nor hang out during the show.. after the show she sees me and I just don't want to deal with it anymore just walk away..she calls me and she like why did you walk away. I answer cause you don't want me around you don't want to talk to me and I wanna have fun not be brought down. She gets made because I dont pay attention to her and she stroms off saying that she getting her **** and going home.

I let her leave. My mistake. She leaves the room with all her stuff and I did give a fk.. my mistake again. I was so fed up with all of it by now. I guess you can say it was the straw that broke the camels back. All year we had been fighting about the same dam **** there was never any forgiveness or moving on.. she was mad me for not telling her about me and that girl and I was mad at her for she did.

So she left the room and I went to party. Drunk, high, on E.. you named it I was in that state. The during the night when I got back to the room I didn't know what to expect. I didnt know whether to call her or not. She told me over the phone that we were over. So I like fine! But I thought about it.. and I couldn't let her go home on the bus and then what about our girls. I thought. Fk! I ****** up!

Luckly, she has cousins in Las Vegas and she was staying with them I went to pick her up and then pick up our friends and head home with the long silent ride back.

We we got home we talked. I opened up about how Im sick of fight over the same things and how I just snapped and just didn't care..I just stop caring.
She said the same but was really hurt that I didn't at least try to stop her from leaving that I didn't look for her and worse that I went to go party.

Here we are a in August almost a year later and our feelings for each other have change. I love her 100% and I want to marry and have a child with her. Her on the other hand can no longer see us together in the future and no longer wants to marry me. She says she wants another child but not from me. ouch! She said she would rather get inseminated. But she would do that while we're together and well I wouldn't tolerate the notion of her being pregnant with some random guys *****. I trying to redeem myself for my mistakes then and my problems and she admits her mistakes and her failures.

But she tells me that she could no longer love me anymore that she doesn"t have those feelings for me like before. That she does care for me but she not in love nor loves me. We still have sex once in a while but getting that started is like rolling dice...I can never get her to initiated sex. She doesn't return he oral and doesn't get into it like she once use too.

She tells me that the only reason she still with me is because she needs my half the of the rent and because the girls need a father. We don't fight like we use to anymore I guess its because she stop caring. We go out together but she's never love douby with me and she had not pictures of me on her facebook, she doesn't even take picture with me anymore.

I one the other hand want her..crave her desire her.. I wish for affection her love but after everything I put her through I guess I can't ask for it anymore.
We recently spoke about this and now I'm caught in between what to do. I would like to think that she could still be loving towards me it could just take time. Or she could just be tolerant just to keep the peace, my half of the rent, and being a father. We have sex but we don't kiss.. we haven't kiss in months. I miss it. I much rather make out with her for a hour than have sex I tell her sometimes and she just answer with a I don't feel like it I don't feel the desire to.

So now I'm 27 and she 30 and we spent quit a few years on this same page that I don't know where to move on or not. Is it worth sticking around and hoping that things will get better or will they never change. Currently, when we're at home we get along and there a few moments of little affection but I crave more.. I crave that love that feeling of being desired too..Of coming home to someone that wants to have sex with me that wants to please me too that want to make me feel like Im everything. I try to make feel that way all the time to show her how sorry I am. But should I even bother anymore since she doesn't. Should I start to distance myself and protect my feelings from being hurt. Im so tired of fight about things that happen two years ago. I forgave her completely now. I no longer have any thoughts about her and him but she doesn't. So, maybe I should give her time just like me and see how things go.

Whatever it is just want to feel loved again and feel desired. I

jb4469 jb4469
26-30, M
Sep 10, 2012