I'm A Strange Person...No, I mean, I am pretty strange, it's the name I was given. Though I will almost definitely change it I think :)
But I like being strange in a way, because I know I am unique. I don't follow people under the same bridge, but I usually try to find one with different trolls to conquer :) I guess that probably made no sense to some, but oh well :P
To some when they go through transition, it's a constant push to fit into some stereotype of a girl and what kind of person they are. For me, I think I'll be pretty much the same, but just more free. At least that's the way I like to put it. I wouldn't know how to be anyone else. The only reason my fake shell I present to the world even works is because of my biology and what I look like. I don't care about or do anything that would make me a guy, but people just presume that when they see me. But not for long :)
There's so much about me that I want to share with the world, or my friends, since I know now I'm a unique and special person. Years of self hatred and depression have been hard, but the depression has sculpted in me something I could never get otherwise, so in a way, I am grateful for the person I have become. I still have things I am working out, and I've made a lot of mistakes... things I wish I could take back, but really, if I did, I wouldn't be able to hold them into myself and remember the lessons I had to learn.
I watched one of my favorite movies recently, The Big Kahuna. It's quite a great movie and I highly recommend it. It's pretty simple as far as plots go, but at the same time, it's pretty moving. I'm not religious, so even though it can be thought of as being like that, I view it as a character study into how to deal with life's ups and downs. And to top it off it ends with the sunscreen song which is very fitting :) But anyway, I feel like if I hadn't been through all this, I couldn't possibly be who I am. I value life a lot even though I've been through a lot of suicidal feelings. My experiences may not have been perfect, but its who I am and really nothing can take that away.
So I really wouldn't know how to be some stereotype girl as I transition. I'll still listen to video game music and still love programming as much as I would love anything else. I love adventures, I love to cook my weird vegan food, I love going to flea markets looking for unique stuff, and I love writing strange poetry :) Heck, strange as it is, I love going grocery shopping, it's fun for me. Being able to share all this with someone would be even better, and hopefully I'll be able to get around to that sometime soon. At least for now, most people out there only go on looks and not the heart and soul of someone. I guess I can't blame them, since we still haven't developed telepathy yet, but it would be nice if more people just accepted others for who they were.
The thing I had to learn when going through all this is that there isn't just one type of girl out there, just like there isn't just one type of guy (as much as my experiences with abuse or cruel men have made me see, I know it's not the same for everyone). I see sometimes when people talk about voice therapy and training and they refer to things that you aren't supposed to say or when people talk about walking, the ways you're not supposed to walk. To which I say, **** that! I just want to be me, and hopefully have someone else with me who understands. And the same for me to them.
Of course, it doesn't mean I won't be terrified out in the world, but I have to hope that I can be myself and be my own blend of life so I can maybe put some kind of mark on the world. Like I said in my other story, I don't know if anyone ever misses me, but I'd like to hope that someday someone would.
RaineyEyedGirl 31-35, T 2 Responses 0 Sep 6, 2010