I Should've Known...

So I ended up marrying my highschool sweetheart even though there were years that separated us shortly after highschool. The reconnection was a confirmation to me that we were suppose to be together and I had always continously loved him for years even while in relationships with others. Well we ended up with two children together and one from my previous relationship. In the beginning when the other two were not born yet things were relatively simple, but I had no clue that he was addicted to drugs/alcohol/party life/narcissism!! So by the time I figured that out we had two additional kids in the picture. To try and provide them with what I grew up with (two parents) I held on to the thought of just making it worth at all costs. He called my horrible names, stayed out late, did drugs/alcohol which he introduced me to and I began doing the same for years. This seemed to be our only connection even though when we did these things together it always ended badly. One year I got fed up and kicked him out of the house. Me and the kids were off to a new start and then for some reason I back slided. We were not officially together but by the end of the year we were engaged and a few months later we were married. Since then is drinking continues. He has peed in the closet, on bathroom walls, out our screen window, on the couch, he says horrible things to me and the kids and has constantly kept our family anxious at all costs. He told me that he made a mistake marrying me and that I could keep the kids and go. Even with him saying that I plunged into to prayer and faith and the more I did that the worse it got. He ended up slapping me during one of our heart to hearts where I said the wrong thing that I felt was truthful but he couldn't handle. Even after that I stayed. So much has transpired and now my children are getting older and have become afraid and withdrawn from him when hes around and that makes him mad too. 2 weeks ago I took the kids and left. I have just gotten some financial support from him and yesterday was his first time asking to see the kids. They all were whining about it but after prayer and persistence they all came home with smiling faces which was reassuring to me. Im beginning to believe that God never blessed my marriage AT ALL. My husband was drunk as we stood at the alter and that has always seemed to come first to me and the kids. Now he is home alone with all of the electronics he holds so dear, with his **** that he loves so much, with no one to bother him or ask anything of him if he doesn't feel like it. I still love him but I am determined to move forward. Entering into this marriage divorce was the last thing I wanted, but now I think its inevitable. He doesnt care enough to help himself and I only care about making sure the kids and myself are ok. Funny how life turns out, especially when you ignore all the warnings.

Breethn Breethn
31-35, F
Dec 3, 2012