Slowly Then Suddenly

It seems like my unhappiness with life was slow and light and over the years got darker and most constant. At this point I feel depression 1/5 of the time. I have extreme difficulty making friends and right now don't really consider anybody a good friend. This makes me antisocial and not willing to continue trying. I feel desperately alone and date boys just to have somebody around, to feel some sort of worth. My life feels purposeless and when I feel depressed I have obsessive thoughts about suicide. I don't think I would ever do it but I also do not want to continue living this downward progressive depression. I have some reservations. I'm getting older and I feel like my face looks older than it should. If I lose my beauty, that'd be it. If I should lose my mother, that'd be it. I sometimes hate my life and want to die.
misshellie misshellie
22-25, F
May 11, 2012