Confused And Stuck In A Lose/lose Situation

I want to die but I would never kill myself as it would destroy my mum.
I want to get help but my family don't believe in the medical system and we are a family that have been taught to smile and keep your feelings to yourself. I'd die of embarrassment and shame if they ever realized how low I am, the self harm (which to my mum is attention seeking) and what I actually feel... I physically can't turn off the fake smile when people are around, hence never being able to tell a doctor let alone get them to believe this smily person has an actual problem.

Worse is I'm failing uni, I can't tell them I hurt myself or want to die as they will kick me off the course for not disclosing it sooner and I'm in my final year and have worked so hard.... I fail either way.

Argh I'm so confused and stuck... I can't give up or lose uni, it's my only tiny spark of hope... And I'm losing it.
Lostlolly Lostlolly
22-25, F
Sep 12, 2012