Already Emotionally Dead, So Why Not...

As many others have said as well, I don't want to commit suicide. I have known friends that have and I know the emotional damage it leaves behind with their friends and especially their loved ones. I have 3 beautiful daughters that I love more then anything and I would never want to cause them harm like that, but at the same time I just wish God would finally take me from this world.

I have always known that I was never meant to be in this world. I hate to say God made a mistake, but I have always felt he did when he created me. I am 42 and I have spent my whole life trying to find my place...a purpose for my life...true friends that can be there for me, not just be there for what I can do for them...someone that will love me for who I really am, faults and all.

Growing up was hard, my parents fought all the time and then finally divorced, to just then spend their time away from us kids trying to find their own happiness. I was the youngest and many years younger then my older brothers, so I spent most of my childhood alone with just my grandmother being shuffled between different homes. At 14 my aunt finally explained I kept being shuffled because no one wanted me. That's when I finally understood I wasn't meant to be in this world.

I tried to just become tough and hard, so that I couldn't be hurt anymore, but I still couldn't stop looking for my purpose and for someone to love me. When I was 23 I met my 2nd husband, the man I thought was my soul-mate. I feel in-love with him immediately and convinced myself he could actually feel the same. I became pregnant and we decided to marry; by then I had convinced myself we were meant to be, we were soul-mates and that he loved me as much as I loved him.

Over the last 18+ years of our marriage we have had 2 beautiful girls and we have had many ups and downs. He had an affair 8 years ago and it devastated me, but I still believed our love was strong enough to survive. I began to lose what few friends I had, they have always been great about calling or coming around when they needed something or where bored, but now that I needed them to help me through this they were too busy, some just stopped returning calls. I guess friends with problems are just really not that fun.

Over the last year and a half I had begun feeling I had been living a fantasy...I could feel my husband moving away from me. Six months ago he finally told me he didn't know if he loved me or if he ever really did. He was not attracted to me and he found himself often wanting to sleep with other women. He didn't want to divorce just yet, we'd wait 4 yrs so I had time to get school and a career and give our children time to finish high school and not have to go through the pain of divorced parents.

I knew I was never meant to be loved, but to make matters worse I have been an at-home mom for the last 18 yrs and now when I try to find work no one wants me. For the last 18 yrs I've had a purpose...raising my children and I don't regret a single moment, but in a few more yrs they will be grown and no longer needing me. I now, not only have no friends and have to finally awake from my fantasy and accept I will be alone and never really know what it is to be loved, but I have no purpose in life. I'm invisible...I'm nobody, so what is the point of being in this world?

If I died today no one, but my children and my mother would truly notice, and in all honesty even they would get over it.
luvylady luvylady
36-40, F
1 Response Jan 17, 2013

Just because your children move out doesn't mean they don't need you. I found myself needing my parents most of all, for emotional support, almost 4 years after I moved out. Your daughters will still need you, especially as they begin to have children of their own, though that might not be for a while. Good luck.