I Hate Myself ... B/c I've Gained So Much Weight

As far back as I can remember, I have always thought I was fat. I was always comparing myself to other girls, and feeling disgusting and embarrassed because I wasn't as skinny as they were. I was an athlete, so I was very muscular. I weighed 145.

I started doing drugs and I dropped to like 110. I loved it... But I still felt fat all the time.... even though I was a size 2. Then I got pregnant, gained 50lbs, and lost most of it. Well I got down to 125, but I was still fitting into my pre-pregnancy 2's.

But then I got sober and I got on this medicine, and I gained like 50 ******* pounds. I gained 35lbs in the first 4 months!!!!!!!! I felt so ******* GROSS and my bf was like you look the best you've ever looked. eventually I just gave up and kept eating. And I got up to like 170-175. Oh and I got off the medication and the weight didnt come off easily... well not at all, actually. Finally, I got really depressed b/c my bf was looking at ****. So I went on a diet, and I lost like 20lbs in a month. But that was 5 months ago, and I haven't lost anymore. I gained back 9lbs, but I have lost 7 of that 9. i am like 153 now.

I can't stand being this fat. I wear like a size 8 or 10 or something.  (or in certain brands, 32... I used to be a 26/27)... and in teen sizes I recently had to buy shorts in a ******* 13!!!!! It was devastating. I used to love shopping, but now I dread it. It just makes me want to cry. I hate shopping because I know everything I try on is going to look horrible. I can't even buy a shirt without trying it on, because I'm so fat, 85% of the shirts I try on look terrible on me. I used to just be able to pick out a small or medium and it looked great. I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. I have never been so disgusting. I've always been toned and my stomach was always flat. Now... it's like lumpy. and pudgy and soft and sickening. I am repulsive. I can't deal with it anymore. I told myself today I'm not going to eat until I lost 15lbs... but I know that's not realistic. But I really really need to lose it... I at least I want be 135. B/c everyone said I looked terrible when I weighed 125... I'd love to be 115. But my 1st goal is 135. Well actually I'll be happy when I get below 150... for a day or so anyway. Then I'll look fat again.

My thighs rub together, I have love handles, a muffin top, armpit fat, thunder thighs. I hate my knees. Even when I was skinny, they make my legs look so fat. I can't wait to be skinny again. Idk when I'm gonna have time to work out, so I'm just going to diet. I need to lose this weight. I can't take it any longer.
omg1636 omg1636
22-25, F
3 Responses Jul 27, 2010

I have almost the same exact problem! No really..i was 110 as a teen and im 26 now and four kids later now im 163.. I cry everyday bcause it makes me feal sick..i want to just stop eating but like u said..thats not reallistic..i need serous help..i hate the way i look! I would b happy with 135.. But tje weigt just wont come off.. :'(

I feel the same way. I woke up today and found that I have been gaining weight for a while (i knew this). I was 140lbs but i jumped up to 147. I wanna be 135 and keep it there forever. I fear in the future if I get married and get pregnant and gain allt hat weight I'm going to hate myself. I do hate myself right now and that's why I did a workout this morning before breakfast and had a super heathly brunch. I just want it to all go away. Everyone I know is like lighter than me, more happy, and skinny and pretty and perfect. One girl I work with is so much lighter than me and has a much smaller fr<x>ame. She has a fiance and she's a neat freak. She was a cheerleader in high school. I hate this SO SO SO much! I want to be perfectly skinny like the girls on tv and in real life. I just hate myself so bad too. Idk what to do. I mean I do know what to do but I also have an eating disorder called chew and spit and it's disgusting and I'm fighting it. I know that's partly one of the reasons why I have gained this weight though. I stopped doing it and am fighting it but i feel so terrible about myself. I don't think I can have sex with my boyfriend anymore now too because I'd feel so self consious. I just can't take it.

you dear, have a disease. please seek help.