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I Am Being Torn Apart

It's not other people's secrets that are killing me, it's my own. I can keep other people's secrets when they confide in me. And I don't have people who are hiding secrets from me--no significant others cheating on me or anything like that. I'm not digging at any truths that have been kept from me.

But I find my own secrets to be unbearable. I can't keep up the show anymore. It's not just that I'm afraid my secrets will catch up with me when I get careless, although that's always possible. It's how sickening it feels to have to live this way, always planning ahead so my secrets stay hidden, always being less than who I really am, always wondering whether I revealed too much.

This is a learned behavior that I've struggled with for decades. I know it's killing me. I know I can't go on like this much longer. So far I can only imagine what it would be like to be completely genuine, honest and transparent.  Frankly, aspects of it scare the sh*t out of me, but I think I'll truly lose my mind more than I already have if I don't start coming clean.
romanticidiot romanticidiot 46-50, M Dec 10, 2010

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