Mom's Couch

From 1980 to 1990, my mom slept on a broken-down couch. There was another bed in our roommate's bedroom, and I don't know why she didn't move it out into the living room. In 1988, it was moved out, but she didn't sleep on it. I used it to pile all my clothes on. She said she "couldn't get used to sleeping on a bed after being on a couch for so long." As an adult, I wonder what it must have been like for her living like that. With a mentally ill ex-husband who would sometimes bring prostitutes in off the street. Well, I was there too. And her drinking wine every night to sleep. I deeply blanche when I see through her eyes. No nice pillowcases.

She was unemployed until 1988, when she started working at "Auntie Em's" kitchen. That's where I met her coworker, G, that guy from Oklahoma who introduced me to alot of cool music. I was swooning over Gene loves Jezebel, and he introduced me to Renaldo and the Loaf. He made mix tapes for me that were extremely strange. The problem was he started to love me(or thought he did). I was 15, and he was 24. And I wasn't attracted to him.(Damn you for licking my hand in the car that day!) One night, in his car, he told me he loved me. I don't remember my reaction. But at another point I told him I was completely taken with a guy I was talking to on the C.B>(that turned out to be disappointing).

Anyways, she worked there, then started working at the Braille Institute in Hollywood. That's where she met my step dad. I was SO lonely while she was dating him. Home alone with KFC chicken nuggets watching "Mama's family"...

So, they got married in Vegas. We moved from that house of poverty to a nicer apartment. She slept in a real bed. My mean, sarcastic side called him "Daddy Warbucks" because he spent so much money on furniture, etc. I had a white wrought-iron bed. A white wicker desk and chair, a huge cream and gold-toned bureau.(I lost it all when I left with my online love in 1996...I had everything packed up ready to ship to Connecticut at some point in time, then my mom died and they had so much debt he had to move, sell his Acura and give away ALL my belongings to charity! My books, toys, records, diaries.)

She got to enjoy a normal marriage for 6 years...from 1990 to 1996 when I left home. How unfair! Like me, she had struggled with horrible men hurting her and using her. One husband would beat her bad like Ike and Tine( I have his frickin' last name).

She told me she was infatuated with one guy alot in the eighties. And was STILL waiting for him(since the 60's?) He was married though, and had kids, but said he'd be with her as soon as his kids were old enough to take care of themselves. She wanted him to call in the late 80's(but how would he track her down?) I remember.

Me and her are similar in so many ways. The anxiety, codependence on men...July of next year, I'll be the same age she was when she had me, 38. That's kind of weird. But not as weird as the thought of actually having kids. Maybe at that point, when I turn her age, I can break spell of being a doormat?

Kittychanel Kittychanel
41-45, F
Sep 20, 2012