I Can't Handle Watching My Husband Dying Day By Day
I have been married for 26 yrs. I met my husband when I was 14 and he was 20. We started dating about a month before my father died. My father died on my husband's birthday. I feel that since I was only 14 when my dad died, that my husband became my father figure. We were married when I was 18, we got pregnant when I was 19 (this was a planned pregnancy), and I gave birth to my son when I was 20. When we married we had a home built on land given to us by my husband's parents. We had only one child. He is now 24 and recently graduated from college and has taken a job in Atlanta. All in all I would say that we have had a fairly good marriage. My husband was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in his early 30's. In January 2006 he had a heart and had quad bypass surgery. He is now on disability. In January 2007 he ruptured a disc in his neck, more surgery. In July 2008 we found out he was in end stage renal failure and had to go on diaylisis. He is currently dealing with blood vessels in his right eye bursting. He is set for laser surgery but, for now has no sight in that eye.
Since going through all of this with him I have let everything in my life go. My sole concentration is on taking care of him. I no longer worry about when I get my hair cut, I don't get my nails done, I don't go to the tanning bed, I no longer watch what I eat and I don't exercise. I have gained 65 lbs. I suffer from depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia. I deal with my own pain on a daily basis, be it physically or mentally. I have begun to drink daily and currently smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day.
I still love my husband and he loves me, but I can't help but be resentful sometimes that I spend all my time taking care of his needs but, no time taking care of my own. I know his death is inevitable but, I can't stand having to daily watch him deteriorate.
I don't know what I will do without him. He has been the only life I have known for the past 30 yrs. I feel very depressed, anxious, sad, etc., every day. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this.
I guess I would like some advice from other caregivers. Thanks for listening.