I Didn't Ask For This.

I didn't ask to be born this way, in this family, in this life, with these problems. Why I have to deal with the crap in my life that I have to deal with was in no part my choice or decision. Yet I'm landed with this in my lap. Everyone thinks that yes, it is hard living with depression, but you have to tough it out and make a choice and force things to get better. Its not that simple or even that complicated. It sucks. That's it. If you understood how hard it is to trudge through life every day with such feelings, of worthlessness, guilt for not being able to get better, hopelessness and never being able to get out, you'd know how exhausting it is. I know I have to change, but change is not forthcoming. Its not easy or even marginally reachable. How do you change the fact that you feel sad? Or lonely? Or downright angry at something you cannot change? I'm not looking for pity. It may sound as if I am. But I don't delude myself into thinking that people will say, "Oh poor you", because they haven't. Well meaning as all the reactions are, "I'm sorry for you" or "Give yourself some time", "things will change, they always do" or "Get off your damn *** and change things yourself", they do nothing to alliviate all the guilt and pain living my life lives. Yes, I know their are many other people worse off than me. They have no money, or no insurance, no job, no family, no home. And I can't change that. I am as little to blame for the situation I was born into as those people were. I cannot take the blame for being given what I've been given. I can sympathize, but I can do nothing to change their situation when I have so little control over my own.
I am sick of being told that this is my fault. That I'm to blame. I stay this way for attention or because its easy. Its not. I repeat, I did not ask for this. I hate myself. I don't deny it. And anyone telling me that I have something to offer this world is wasting their breath.
Why is it fair to say that those who killed themselves are selfish? Who were the people around them that ignored them? Aren't they just as equally to blame? Regardless of what you believe about suicide, wrong, immoral, criminal, there is fault to be place evenly amongst all those in play. The one who died, those who cared for her. Equal blame. The pain of depression is not something that can be contained in a neat little package and be medicined away. There is no magic shot or course of chemo to kill it off. It seeps in and settles in every fiber and tissue and bone, eating you alive from the inside.
The person who gets cancer is not blamed for their tumor. They are not told to "change things" because they did this. They are not told to get over it. No, they didn't chose it. Just as I did not chose depression. I didn't ask for this.
fuglywuggly fuglywuggly
1 Response Aug 6, 2010

"I think it's sad that in today's society many people would call getting drunk and high "cool" , but cutting is "stupid" and "for attention". But the fact remains that my skin cells will grow back, but their brain cells probably won't."<br />
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Never thought of that...hmm...good point.<br />
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Yeah, I personally know people who have worse things to deal with than me...this does not make it easier or harder to deal with my crap. It still sucks. It just sucks...in a really boring way...