So I'm Pregnant

now before I let loose... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T tell what you think I should or should not do... and please try not to judge me..

i have recently learned a very hard lesson. until one has truly walked a mile in someone else's shoes (which is highly unlikely) one has absolutely no right to pass judgement or comment on said persons choices. well, i already knew this, but now that i'm on the other side, i really  "get it".

i don't know where to begin or where this ends yet, all i know is that it is by far the most taxing journey and i have ever had to endure. i'm married and i'm pregnant. seems pretty straightforward - i wish it was. i married a good man, but i'm not sure he was the right man. i'm almost 40, but had always made it clear that i would have really liked to have had a family by the time i was 38. (i have my reasons). this however didn't suit him.

i'm not happy about being pregnant. we have a sparse sex life. 5 times a year maybe. i thought i was still in the right place to have a family so we officially started trying in sept 09. 3 goes and 3 months later- bammo. (with that kind of luck - i should have bought a lottery ticket).

catch- after the 3rd time (in december) i realized that what we were doing was not clever. i wasn't prepared to be a parent under these circumstances - just because time was running out and feeling like it was what we were supposed to do - that was not good enough.

too late. the deal was sealed.

now... i'm at the mother (pardon the pun) of all crossroads... do i have a child in a foreign country with quite possibly the wrong person OR do i not and begin to get my sense of self back (i have compromised so much over the past 7 years that i have lost myself in the process, it has been pointed out to me "there is a lot of your husband your relationship - but where are you?)

now, as i said in the beginning, please don't offer me advice on what to do about the pregnancy. i'm not asking for it and i don't want it. it is a decision that i have to live with, therefore i have to figure out. i'm just venting here -  and you're only getting part of it. i'm too tired to write it all.

also, for those of you tempted to tell me "ohhh, but you'll fall in love the moment you see/hold/whatever your baby" save it. i know that's bulls**t. -it may be so for some, perhaps even you, but it isn't so for all. and as previously mentioned you are not in my shoes.

thankfully, i have the most amazing mom in the world. no opinions, no advice, just unconditional love and support. she's a gem. she also wanted to have children (with my dad - who is also extremely wonderful).

i guess where i'm at is... although i'm trying, i can't find any joy in this. i'm trying to find a way to have it and not lose myself further. but i don't see that happening. to have or not to have... either outcome comes at a price and i don't know what's too high or who should pay.

i'm not feeling sorry for myself, and i'm aware that it was my choices that have me here right now. it just trying to figure out what i need to do. what's right for me.

there is nothing worse that the feeling of being trapped.

i do apologize if i sound like an ungrateful cow... i'm neither selfish nor uncaring. (although some may disagree).

thanks for giving me space to vent and try to get through this process and come to a conclusion...

and to anyone who can relate to my situation - i feel for you. this is not a fun place as feels very lose-lose.

have a great day! (and if you care to- wish me luck...)

 

 

 

 

 

 

wheretofromhere wheretofromhere
36-40, F
Feb 26, 2010