My Life Is About To Fall Apart, Again.

I have accepted certain truths, things that i had to accept in order to stop dwelling on them.

1) I will never find love (or at least not a love that loves me back)
2) Everyone i care about will die
3) I will never achieve any success in life
4) I will die alone and infirm
5) No one will mourn my passing
6) I will burn in hell for all eternity

Which means i have managed to stop myself being afraid of all these things because i know there is nothing i can do to stop them. But i have yet another, more immediate problem.

As i have been quick to say in my other stories on this website, i have been kind of down recently, the kind of down where you question your own existence, hate yourself and wish you weren't religious so you wouldn't have any hell to fear if you killed yourself. And i have kinda fallen for a friend of mine, the kind of fallen where, she is all i think about (aside from hatred for myself), i would do anything, just to see her smile, and she makes me happier than i even though possible in recent month.

A little background information here, i have a reasonably crap life, i am failing my degree at university, i have almost no friends and i can barely stand getting up in the morning, except when i get to see Jo (the friend i kinda fell for).

Now, it is about 2 - 3 weeks before i go back to university, back to the high stress degree that i barely understand, adding massive amounts of pressure, whilst simultaneously removing the one thing that has been helping me cope over the past few months, Jo. I cant bear the thought of being away from her for so long, i can barely stand a few days any more without seeing her. How will i last 3 months of university before i get to see her again?

This is an honest concern. It has stopped me sleeping. I just cant stand the thought of going back to uni, not now, not after seeing that i can still be happy
djpanda djpanda
18-21, M
3 Responses Aug 13, 2010

I'm feeling miserable too right now but this "misery" doesn't help. It's not productive. I read somewhere that it's helpful to live in "day tight" compartments where you just think of what you need to do that day and get it done and not worry about years or even days ahead. Live in that space. Don't let the anxiety take control of you because then how will you rise out of it? You need to ask yourself "is this fear, anxiety, depression" helping? because if it's not, get rid of it!!! Don't compare yourself to other people, to celebrities, to sitcoms because those people have tons of problems that you don't hear about. They're experts at spinning the best side of themselves but their lives are not perfect. Stop comparing yourself to a false image and just work on being the best you can be because you can be great!

That happy life is already gone, i am back to miserable and hating myself. I am close to surpassing my misery from before the holiday.<br />
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yay.... :|

I have no chance of love. I have given up on that. I have love from my children and parents that is it. I work very hard at my low paying job and get straight A's in school. I still see no hope for my future. I see hope for the next 14 years until the youngest is grown. After that I really can not even see the purpose of life. To go to a job I hate and come home and play around and be bored. I think lots of people are not hopeful about the future. I left my husband for domestic violence and lost all my possesions. I make much less money and have no home that I own or any stability. I however thought that I would have an awful life if I left my husband. I think that despite the problems it is noowhere near the nothingness I anticipated. It may even be better. I think both of us may be happily supprised and life may be better than you expect in the future. Just don't do anything permanent. Tomorrow always looks better.