Midnight - And Other Random Thoughts

My mind is a mess tonight.....and I'm not sure why. I have things I wanted to do, things I want to write/finish, ideas, thoughts, memories all flying through my head. This is always something weird for me. Normally I can control it, organize it, block it...whatever is needed. Tonight though, there is too much. It's happened a lot recently, even my 'meditation' hasn't helped. The one constant that there seems to be is that is happens around midnight.

This is probably because this was always my favorite time when I was 'younger'. Then I still had fun, and midnight was the marker. Was in midweek? If I was up at midnight, it was usually for a good reason...well, a good reason for me. The old 'wine, women, and song'...my vices (although 'whisky, woman, and loud music' would have been more apt). If I was still going at midnight midweek, then I was having a fun night. What about the weekend? Well, then midnight was a marker. It was showing the evening was officially in full swing, that the night was young and there were hours more of partying/playing ahead.

Now....most times midnight depresses me. Again, I know this has to do with my loneliness and bouts of depression....but it still stings me every time. It's saturday, a beautiful crisp, cold, clear fall night. Yet I sit at 'home'. My family all asleep for hours....even the cats are sleeping. I want to do...something....anything. But I don't know what, and if I did, I have no one to do it with. So here I sit....typing. Trying to find some way to sort out my life....remember the fun in the past, thinking about how it all changed, wondering how the hell can I change it back....and realizing that I can't.

There is so much I want to do. So much I want to explore. Places I want to go. Adventures I want to have. But I'm realizing that I have to do them on my own now....something I'm not very good at. Something I've never been good at....being alone. My heart feels heavy.....sad even. I've met few people since I moved here almost a year ago (ugh...that's another thing), and most have been flakes. I've been ditched or had plans 'rescheduled' more in 6 months here than my entire life before. So even when I HAVE plans (which is rare) I never feel like they'll actually happen. Even this week, I'm having drinks with a friend (the only one who hasn't ditched me) then I'm going out of town for the weekend (and these are set in stone)....but they constantly feel like they'll fall apart at any moment.

Thats the other thought that keeps bouncing around...December 17th. It kind of hit me yesterday when I realized it was December. I separated from my (soon to be) ex wife on 12/17. It needed to be done, but the year mark is still going to have meaning. It's something I never thought would happen, something I said wouldn't. I wouldn't be part of the statistics. My marriage would last like my parents and my grandparents....but I was fooling myself from the start. Plus something she said Friday made everything more 'real' to me. She's been ducking everything to do with the divorce and getting her life together, but friday sent an email (after she asked for money) that soon she wouldn't 'need me anymore'. Odd....but true. Still weird finally hearing her say it.

There's so much more....but at least I had my best friend call. She may be tired (or asleep lol)....but at least it's someone to talk to...or at. Too bad the only friends I still have are all hundreds (or thousands) of miles away.......
RisenFromAshes RisenFromAshes
36-40, M
Dec 2, 2012