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I Fell In Love With My Girl Bff

Hi, Im Bey. I am now 17 years old an in college. My (lesbian) story started when I was in high school. The worst moments that ever happened to me back then revolved around a guy who broke my heart and my best friend (her name is Shelly). We fought with each other and I lost her when I listened to the guy rather than her, but I did everything to get her back. Just before our graduation, I knew time was running out and soon we won't be able to see each other more often. So we enjoyed the moments that we had and little did I know that I was falling for her. I knew I loved her and cared for her just before all those happened, but this time it was more than that. I look at her in the most different way I look at other people... as if she was the most beautiful thing in the world. I still remember how we went out at the mall with our friends and she was so quiet with me, I was wondering why so I asked her.. and she said she was shy. It was kind of sad to know because we used to be so loud and cheerful with one another. I figured out that she was feeling awkward being with me about the fight that we had, and so did I. I thought it would be a good thing to do what we missed.

When things got almost pretty normal between the both of us. We made a promise not to have boyfriends in college, but it turned out that we were fooling ourselves. I was like, "Why don't you just be my girlfriend so you can just focus on me and won't be tempted by guys?.." of course I was kidding but she thought it was a good idea, I wasn't expecting that.

One afternoon when she came by at our house, we were sitting in the Iiving room and cuddling. It felt so special, and there was the tension between us; I really could tell how much we wanted each other. I was licking her ears and I was surprised at how she didn't say anything, so I continued..deep down. She then turned to me and her face was so close to mine and then, she kissed my lips. It lasted for like 3 seconds and that was how I remembered it... what happened after, I had no idea. All I could recall was that we she texted me and I asked her "did you have any regrets about what happened earlier?".. and she said "No :)" and told me she wanted to do it again...

We dated for almost a year, and we really tried hard not to let people know about what we had...The most difficult thing was with our own family. For almost a year of hiding something from everyone, there were times that I nearly blew my cover and how I wished my parents would've just forgotten it.

We really loved each other, more than a normal couple would. I could never imagine being separated from her, she had my all and I had hers and I swear I could never love another person as much as I loved her. But some good things never last.. she decided to break up with me. I didn't stop her because I understood our situation, hiding and living with the lies that we tell people. I still had my expectations though, and that's what kept me from moving on. We talk with each other like nothing happened but things were a bit different, she doesn't say she loves me anymore and when I tell her I love her, she tries to talk about something else.

We fight more often and even the littlest thing would become the biggest problem. I knew I was the problem because I never wanted to break up with her in the first place, if it takes me to tell the truth to people about us then I would do it. I would still choose to be with her no matter what happens because I love her like that; but she wasn't thinking the same thing. The fear of people judging what we are caved into her. She can break up with me, but all I asked of her was not to replace me with someone...but ...

she did the worst thing that I could ever imagine.

She decided to date a guy.. (if you can recall, we promised each other not to have boyfriends in college, but still she did it). She knew how it breaks my heart to know that and she knows she would feel the same way if I ever did the same. It would probably not hurt as much if I knew that guy was someone who could love her more than I did, but no. The guy was 2 years younger than her and someone that couldn't possibly take her seriously. Of course, she still hides the fact from her family that she's dating someone but at least it's not me. I just couldn't understand why she had to break my heart twice, I knew she just wanted to get over me..but there are other ways, she knew there were.

It came to the time that I rarely communicate with her. She always tells me how she wanted to be best friends again, but she didn't even considered how I would feel about everything she did. She broke my heart in the best way that she can...

I've decided to get on with my life without her.. I know it will be hard along the way but it's the best thing to do. I just wanted to do something for myself. I know that the more I stay, the more I get hurt. I know things will be easier for the both of us once we stopped dealing with each other. Wondering how things would've turned out if we hadn't done all those things, I realized how one person can change you forever.
Iambey Iambey 18-21, F Feb 24, 2013

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