I Made A List Of Reasons To Live

Today beyond sucked and I had a nervous breakdown. I'm still in it honestly but it seems to be subsiding. Notepad was my friend today, just like when I was having hormonal imbalances as a teen. Good old notepad. Simple, doesn't argue or interrupt. Hell it doesn't even wordwrap without my permission. This is a long entry, I suggest if you're not in the mood to hear someone blubber on about stuff that ya find a cooler story. This was a theraputic exercise to remind myself why I love life.. I had forgotten in the confusion and sadness

Onto the weepy part though:

Reasons for me to live:

1 I love my wife
2 I love my mom and dad
3 I love my friends
4 I'd never see our kitties again
5 Student loans don't go away if I die
6 All the years of work people put into being my friend/family and keeping me alive(fed, clothed, housed) would be in vain
7 Death is scary, I don't want to die
8 I have no painless way out
9 I don't want people to cry because of something I did, I would rather just cry. One crybaby in the dark is better than a handful of people crying. Life gets better for the crybaby in the dark, but you can't fix a dead person.
10 Flowers
11 Suicides don't go to heaven...but does anyone really? Not with that attitude. 
12 Funerals are expensive
13 There are so many friends online that would never know what happened to me
14 I like to pet the dog
15 Swimming
16 Cool breezes
17 Video games
18 I can't help anyone if I'm dead
19 My 91 year old grandma has made it 91 years so far. I think she would follow me...
20 I'd never be a daddy
21 Music
22 Vanilla ice cream
23 Hugs
24 Life is the only thing I haven't quit yet. I don't want to quit everything I try to do.
25 There would be a lot of stuff to give away
26 I don't have a will and have no preperations for what I want done with my body.
27 Nag Champa
28 I would never see how my book ends
29 Dreams
30 Good times
31 I would miss the end of my shows
32 I usually love life, it's never good to make a decision this huge on an impulse. Stress can alter thought processes.
33 So I can have a longer list of reasons to live..33 is ok, I covered a lot of stuff and calmed down.. but I otta be able to do better.

Song quotes which popped in while I was writing this:
"Death gotta be easy cuz life is hard
It'll leave you physically, mentally, and emotionally scarred.." 50 cent

"If my stupid poem could fix this home, I'd read it every day." blink 182
 
"I once contemplated suicide and woulda tried but when I held that nine all I could see was my momma's eyes" 2pac

"Or for anyone who's ever been through **** in their lives
Till they sit and they cry at night wishin' they'd die
Till they throw on a rap record and they sit, and they vibe
We're nothin' to you but we're the ******' **** in they eyes" Eminem

"Asked my momma why I got this urge to die, witness the tears fallin
free from her eyes before she could reply" 2pac

"Cause sometimes you feel tired,
feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.
But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength
and just pull that **** out of you and get that motivation to not give up
and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse." Eminem

"Sometimes when I'm alone
I Cry,
Cause I am on my own.
The tears I cry are bitter and warm.
They flow with life but take no form
I Cry because my heart is torn.
I find it difficult to carry on.

If I had an ear to confiding,
I would cry among my treasured friend,
but who do you know that stops that long,
to help another carry on.


The world moves fast and it would rather pass by.
Then to stop and see what makes one cry,
so painful and sad.
And sometimes…
I Cry
and no one cares about why." 2pac

"See they ask me if I shed a tear, I ain't lie
See you gotta get high or die, cause even thugs cry" 2pac

"Right before I sleep, Dear God, what I'm askin..
Remember this face, save me a place, in thugz mansion" 2pac

"Death itself it can't hurt me, just the thought of dyin alone that really irks me" Kuniva

"I don't wanna die all alone" 2pac

Well..certainly a lot of rap lyrics in here. Sadly enough I typed all of the quotes from memory except the 2pac poem because I was a little rusty on it.
I hope everyone out there knows why they want to live. This was a very sad yet empowering actvity so if you're ever lost in the confusion remember to make a list of reasons to live, not reasons to die. The reasons to die list is too easy sometimes and turns into a suicide letter before you know it, whereas this helped. 

senmetsu senmetsu
22-25, M
Jul 13, 2010