I CheatedI made the worst mistake of my life.
I cheated on the guy I really liked a lot, Chase, and he liked me a lot too I guess. But we weren't technically dating, so it doesn't actually count as cheating.
But it still hurts.
I didn't mean to, I was completely wasted and don't remember a thing about the entire night. Just when my friends told me in the morning, laughing and having a good time messing with me about it. What good friends they are right? I completely disappointed myself, I know all too well what it's like to be cheated on, but I also know what it is like to be completely out of control of what happens. How could I ever criticize another person for cheating without being called a hypocrite? It's not like I did it conciously or knowingly, and I've learned my lesson. But how could he ever forgive me when I can't forgive myself?
When I told him about it, he just told me to forget about it and to not talk about it. For some reason though, Chase and I will sit at the lunch table together with my friends (who know nothing about what happened) and they will randomly be talking about cheating. It's a painful reminder that I can't seem to get away from. It somehow finds it's way into my mind and runs laps around my mind, refusing to stop.
It hurts like hell knowing how much you can actually hurt someone emotionally.
What am I supposed to say when he tells me not to worry about him cheating on me? Do I reply with you don't have to worry about me either unless I'm wasted? It hurts me a lot knowing what I did to him, even if he's not willing to admit that it hurt him. But I do believe that he knows that it will never happen again without me having to tell him that I won't. The way I cried that night, I sobbed like a little baby. It leaves a huge impression because I'm the girl who never gets hurt by a guy and never cries over a guy. I'm the one all my friends look up to when it comes to not putting up with bogus bullshit that guys try to play.
Except this time, I was the one who commited the bogus bullshit that I have learned so dearly to hate. I disappointed myself, which I've come to realize hurts a lot worse because it puts into perspective that you have weaknesses and that you're not invincible to the everyday bullshit that we try to ignore and pretend like we're immune to it. I'm not bullet-proof, but I pretended to be. This time the bullet only grazed me, but next time it'll be a fatal would in the heart.
You can't be the ostrich that ducks their head into the sand when danger pops up. No, you have to fess up to your mistakes and take the consequences for you're actions. And that's what I'm doing, everyday, everytime I look into his blue eyes I remind myself what I did to him, and what I need to do to make it up to him. It's so hard, I've always hated cheaters. Always, once a cheater always a cheater is what I used to chant to some of my exes. People make mistakes, one time doesn't necessarily mean that they'll do it again. If they are actually guilty and feel remorse for their actions, they won't do it. Their personal disposition is what makes them a cheater, not the external factors that lead up to it. Mistakes happen, and this opens my eyes to realize that **** happens. **** will hit the fan sooner or later and I can't just run away and hide from it, you have to stick it through and if it still doesn't get better maybe it's time to rethink you're options.
I realize that my mistakes can hurt more than just me as an individual. It hurts other people to know that something terrible can happen to even the most unsuspecting people. Life sucks sometimes. But I promise myself to never ever sink to that level of feeling so depressed where I can't even eat or hardly smile. It sucks the life out of any day, it's one of the hardest wounds to heal.
My life isn't over, I'm slowly moving on. I'm smart enough to realize life goes on, but it will always be tucked in the back of my mind, hidden. Cheating sucks, what's the point of commiting to on person if all you are going to do is hurt them in the long run. I've learned my lesson, I promise never to cheat on someone ever again, and I hope it never happens to anyone. I know it will though, I can't pretend like I live in a dream world where no one's heart is ever broken, no one is cheated on, and everyone finds their true soulmate. I can't live in ignorance or be naive of reality. All one can do is hope for a better world.