My Mistakes Have Become My Greatest Assetts

I am a 35 year old woman who has made many mistakes.  My mistakes were driven by fear, self-loathing, sel-pity, pride, envy, greed, gluttony, guilt and shame.  Up until recently, I was living in my own little world. Self-centered and Egotistical, I knew nothing of how my actions could effect others, or rather I didn't care.  I was to wrapped up in my own selfish needs and desires.  The most important need I would go to any lengths to get, was my need for escape.  I had so much pain. But the pain I felt was inward and directed towards me.  I didn't like myself very much, so it shouldn't come to a surprise that I didn't like others very much either.  I loved my beautiful daughter, but my need to escape my pain I loved more.  So, I abandoned her when she was 8 and let her be raised by her father.  I would continue to self-destruct with alcohol and drugs.  I've gotten arrested more than a few times, and lost my career as and educator as a result of a Felony DWI.  I've been in jail, institutions and came close to dying many times.  This is the grim future of a drug addict.  I lost family, loved ones and friends.  I couldn't make my way back at times because I was too afraid to face the consequences.  But, a voice inside me told me that I wasn't destined to live this life.  That the girl lying on the cot in the jail cell was not really the girl my Higher Power planned for me to be.  I could feel and see myself clean and sober, and living a productive life when i was behind those bars and it was at that moment that I decided I would do whatever it takes to find my way back to me, and start living the life I was born to live.  Today I'm learning how to do that without turning to a drug or a drink for comfort.  Its not always easy.  But, I have to remember the decisions I make effect the lifes of others.  The many mistakes I've made taught me gratitude, love, patience and tolerance.  I could always go back to who I was, but the rewards for doing the next right thing and being there for my daughter and my family and friends far surpass any high I maintained when I was using.  Getting high felt like impending doom. You knew it wouldn't last forever and when the effects of the drugs wore off, the pain was right there waiting for me.  There is a much better way to live. All the ugly things that happened to me don't have to continue to happen.  If you think you may have a problem with drinking; start asking yourselves some questions: Do I need a drink as soon as I awake? Do my start to shake when I don't have enough alcholol? There are many checklists you can find on line, if you a curious about your drinking or someone elses drinking.  I am here to tell you that there is an easier softer way to this thing they call life.  I've found a new disign for living and it works.  There still those that want to punch holes in my design , because and alcholic and a drug addict really can't helpthemselves!! Always care more for your part in a situation. assess it. own it. take care of it.  It is nobody elses fauly but your own.  I'm grateful for the help I have in my life today.  I am one of the fortunates.  I could throw it away in a blink of an eye.  But, I can think it through.  I like the woman I am today.  Not the indecisive, small, little girl who was a fraid to raise her hand and tell the world what she had to say.  Like I said, Your past can be your greatest assett...use it wisely.. and only when necessary..wouldn't want to get stuck there!
Reachinout Reachinout
31-35, F
1 Response Nov 15, 2010

Thanks for sharing. You are very brave for trying to fix your life instead of hiding from reality. Some day I will too. Maybe.