My Ultimate MistakeMy ultimate mistake, that will probably huant me for the rest of my life is leaving a wonderful, caring man for a man I felt pitty for. The wonderful man I left is named David. He and I met through his sister. I was his sister's roomate and living there with my daughter. His sister told me her brother David would be visiting, she also told me what a good guy he is.
When David came over he was quite, but extermly nice. We talked that night, he came over every nigh after that. Before I knew it we we're falling in love with each other. We decided to move in together and we had our first son. He was so close to his son, he even cried the day he was born. He always got him ready in the morning and dropped him off at daycare for me. He was also very kind to my daughter and she called him daddy. He was never mean to her or made her feel differnt.
David and I were like best friends, we would always go places together as a family. He would always consider my needs. His family took me in with an open heart and cared about both my children, even though my daughter was not his biologicly.
A few years later we had our second son. Things started to get a little tense finacially. I relocted to another city for my job that was 45 mins were I lived for a promotion, David still worked in town. He had two jobs. When I came home, he had to leave for his second job. Our son was born early and had some health problems. He was in and out of childrens hospital in Boston, 30 mins from where we live. My job was not happy if I had to leave to attened to him, and threatened to fire me. I was mentally and physically exughsted. When I came home from work, I was left with 3 children and 1 of them was a sick infant that needed to be on his nubulizer so his lungs would not close. David was at work which I know he had to go, but wish he didn't because I needed the help. I was tried at the end of the day from working.
A few months later I met a friend through my sister named Emmy. She was very nice, and I felt bad for her because she was a single mom with two children. Going over to see her was like an escape from my reality. She was very good with my baby and helped me out. We started to hang out more and more. One day she introduced me to her older brother Billy.She explained to me that Billy was depressed because he just lost his wife to cancer and he had 3 small children. I couldn't help but feel bad. So, I started to get to know his children and took them out once inawhile. Feeling bad because they lost their mom. Billy and I started to get close. His sister and I would go to his house alot to help out.
During all this, I put my own family on the back burner. I started to think of Billy more instead of my family. Then I made the decsion to move in with Billy leaving my children and David behind. It's almost like a left my family to save another. When i told David he cried terribly. I hugged him and told him I was sorry. When I drove away from my home I was blank, but I didn't think of turning back.
When I moved in with Bill, I noticed he was not like David. He didn't want me going out with my friends and even suggest we should have a baby. I said no, I just had a baby. I was with him through think and thin, when no one else was there to help. I paid his bills, bought kids clothes, bought food. We did end up having a daughter a year into our relationship. After i had my daughter he became very jelouse, obssesive, and mentally and emotionally abusive. His drinking became worse. He hardly worked and I was laid off. So we always struggled for money. My daughter and my son moved in with us, because I wanted my children around. He became mean to my oldest daughter and was even jelouse of her.
I thought about going back with David realizing that i made a huge mistake, but he already re-married. So, I was stuck where I was. A few years of abuse took it's toll on me. I was on medications for anxiety and sleeping pills. The abuse Bill was givin me got worse. I could not go shopping or to a doctors appointment with out him thinking i was cheating on him. I was pushed up against the wall, spit at, and forced to have sex with him everynight. If i didn't have sex with him he would throw things around and scream all night, even stay at home the next day to continue to abuse me. Also he would threaten that if I did not have sex with him he would not pay our bills. He called me ****, ****, *****. every name in the book in front of the children. My oldest daughter would be in her room crying, my youngest who was 5 at the time would hide under the kitchen table and my son just wanted to go after him.
I finally got the nerve to leave him because he was making me go insane. I had a tempory psycotic break down, which lead to hearing voices, paranoia and panic attacks. i was now on several medications. Imagin living with someone who constanty questions you about going out, who your with ect, repeating the same questions over and over..are you cheating on me? He looked at incoming and outgoing phone calls when he came home from work, he would google my name on the internet and check all my accounts, he broke in my computer to see who I was writting to, he asked my 5 year old daughter if I had my boyfriend come over while he was at work. He got mad if a spoke to my mom. He was arrensted for domestic violence. When I snaped, is when I left. He use to threaten me that he would just leave, pack his stuff and his kids stuff and throw it in the hall, he used it as a scare tactic because he knew I couldn't afford to live alone with my children. But, one day while he was playing his video game, which he always did while I did everything, he threatened to leave. When he left I locked the door and never let him back in.
After he left I thought the worst was over, but I was wrong. The PSTD was sever, I had auditory hullsonations that kept re-playing all the nasty things he would say to me. I lost my 3 step children that I raised for 7 years. I was in group thearapy, therapy and seeing a Reiki practioner. I still am despartly trying to get over this and get myself back. After 7 long years of abuse, it took its toll on my physically and mentally.
I live with the regret everyday, if I just focused on my family and stayed with David I wouldn't be where I am at today, lonely, drugged up on medications, and depressed.
David bought his own home, lives their with his wife and my youngest son. When I go there i can't help think this should be me. But, I foolishy gave it up to help someone that ended up destroying me. I appoligized to David and told him how sorry I was for everything.When I did it I wasn't looking at the whole picture, I just didn't think it through. I wish i could go back and make things right, but I know that will never happen.
I just continue on with my life raising 3 children on my own, going back to school to get a degree so I can provide for my family. Some days I feel lost and cry at what I gave up. I wish I could be happy again, I wish I didn't have ptsd, I wish I didn't have to take medications that I never needed before. I hate feeling crazy. I hate that my children don't have a two parent home. But, David has been a wonderful father to his sons, always takes care of them and spends time with them. Billy on the other hand calls his daughter maybe once a month, and sees her when he wants. I had to take him to court for childsupport that I still sometimes don't get. Billy's daughter is 7, and she thinks her dad is the best dad in the world, she doesn't see the monster in him. So, I have to becareful what i say about him when she is around. But, it makes me angry that he isn't the best dad for her, and I sometimes wish she was Davids daughter.
As I sit and face my mistake and the reality of it, I still feel empty inside. That I have a big black hole in my heart.I've learned my lesson. Never sacrifice your family for someone elses, and when you have love hold on to it, never let it go. Because there is no next best thing. If you have love, real love then you are truley blessed, never let it go, and appreicate it and be thankful. As for me, I wonder around lost and empty, and maybe I deserve that, maybe that's what karma had in store for me. I just hope my suffering will end someday, and that I'm able to get a second chance at real love. If I do, I will cherish it and never take it for granted.
Any advice would be greatly appeciated, or similuar stories to know I'm not alone.
Thanks for reading,
awarren98 31-35, F 13 Responses 5 Aug 13, 2011