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My Ultimate Mistake

My ultimate mistake, that will probably huant me for the rest of my life is leaving a wonderful, caring man for a man I felt pitty for. The wonderful man I left is named David. He and I met through his sister. I was his sister's roomate and living there with my daughter. His sister told me her brother David would be visiting, she also told me what a good guy he is.

When David came over he was quite, but extermly nice. We talked that night, he came over every nigh after that. Before I knew it we we're falling in love with each other. We decided to move in together and we had our first son. He was so close to his son, he even cried the day he was born. He always got him ready in the morning and dropped him off at daycare for me. He was also very kind to my daughter and she called him daddy. He was never mean to her or made her feel differnt.

David and I were like best friends, we would always go places together as a family. He would always consider my needs. His family took me in with an open heart and cared about both my children, even though my daughter was not his biologicly.

A few years later we had our second son. Things started to get a little tense finacially. I relocted to another city for my job that was 45 mins were I lived for a promotion, David still worked in town. He had two jobs. When I came home, he had to leave for his second job. Our son was born early and had some health problems. He was in and out of childrens hospital in Boston, 30 mins from where we live. My job was not happy if I had to leave to attened to him, and threatened to fire me. I was mentally and physically exughsted. When I came home from work, I was left with 3 children and 1 of them was a sick infant that needed to be on his nubulizer so his lungs would not close. David was at work which I know he had to go, but wish he didn't because I needed the help. I was tried at the end of the day from working.

A few months later I met a friend through my sister named Emmy. She was very nice, and I felt bad for her because she was a single mom with two children. Going over to see her was like an escape from my reality. She was very good with my baby and helped me out. We started to hang out more and more. One day she introduced me to her older brother Billy.She explained to me that Billy was depressed because he just lost his wife to cancer and he had 3 small children. I couldn't help but feel bad. So, I started to get to know his children and took them out once inawhile. Feeling bad because they lost their mom. Billy and I started to get close. His sister and I would go to his house alot to help out.

During all this, I put my own family on the back burner. I started to think of Billy more instead of my family. Then I made the decsion to move in with Billy leaving my children and David behind. It's almost like a left my family to save another. When i told David he cried terribly. I hugged him and told him I was sorry. When I drove away from my home I was blank, but I didn't think of turning back.

When I moved in with Bill, I noticed he was not like David. He didn't want me going out with my friends and even suggest we should have a baby. I said no, I just had a baby. I was with him through think and thin, when no one else was there to help. I paid his bills, bought kids clothes, bought food. We did end up having a daughter a year into our relationship. After i had my daughter he became very jelouse, obssesive, and mentally and emotionally abusive. His drinking became worse. He hardly worked and I was laid off. So we always struggled for money. My daughter and my son moved in with us, because I wanted my children around. He became mean to my oldest daughter and was even jelouse of her.

I thought about going back with David realizing that i made a huge mistake, but he already re-married. So, I was stuck where I was. A few years of abuse took it's toll on me. I was on medications for anxiety and sleeping pills. The abuse Bill was givin me got worse. I could not go shopping or to a doctors appointment with out him thinking i was cheating on him. I was pushed up against the wall, spit at, and forced to have sex with him everynight. If i didn't have sex with him he would throw things around and scream all night, even stay at home the next day to continue to abuse me. Also he would threaten that if I did not have sex with him he would not pay our bills. He called me ****, ****, *****. every name in the book in front of the children. My oldest daughter would be in her room crying, my youngest who was 5 at the time would hide under the kitchen table and my son just wanted to go after him.

I finally got the nerve to leave him because he was making me go insane. I had a tempory psycotic break down, which lead to hearing voices, paranoia and panic attacks. i was now on several medications. Imagin living with someone who constanty questions you about going out, who your with ect, repeating the same questions over and over..are you cheating on me?  He looked at incoming and outgoing phone calls when he came home from work, he would google my name on the internet and check all my accounts, he broke in my computer to see who I was writting to, he asked my 5 year old daughter if I had my boyfriend come over while he was at work. He got mad if a spoke to my mom. He was arrensted for domestic violence. When I snaped, is when I left. He use to threaten me that he would just leave, pack his stuff and his kids stuff and throw it in the hall, he used it as a scare tactic because he knew I couldn't afford to live alone with my children. But, one day while he was playing his video game, which he always did while I did everything, he threatened to leave. When he left I locked the door and never let him back in.

After he left I thought the worst was over, but I was wrong. The PSTD was sever, I had auditory hullsonations that kept re-playing all the nasty things he would say to me. I lost my 3 step children that I raised for 7 years. I was in group thearapy, therapy and seeing a Reiki practioner. I still am despartly trying to get over this and get myself back. After 7 long years of abuse, it took its toll on my physically and mentally.

I live with the regret everyday, if I just focused on my family and stayed with David I wouldn't be where I am at today, lonely, drugged up on medications, and depressed.

David bought his own home, lives their with his wife and my youngest son. When I go there i can't help think this should be me. But, I foolishy gave it up to help someone that ended up destroying me. I appoligized to David and told him how sorry I was for everything.When I did it I wasn't looking at the whole picture, I just didn't think it through. I wish i could go back and make things right, but I know that will never happen.

I just continue on with my life raising 3 children on my own, going back to school to get a degree so I can provide for my family. Some days I feel lost and cry at what I gave up. I wish I could be happy again, I wish I didn't have ptsd, I wish I didn't have to take medications that I never needed before. I hate feeling crazy. I hate that my children don't have a two parent home. But, David has been a wonderful father to his sons, always takes care of them and spends time with them. Billy on the other hand calls his daughter maybe once a month, and sees her when he wants. I had to take him to court for childsupport that I still sometimes don't get. Billy's daughter is 7, and she thinks her dad is the best dad in the world, she doesn't see the monster in him. So, I have to becareful what i say about him when she is around. But, it makes me angry that he isn't the best dad for her, and I sometimes wish she was Davids daughter.

As I sit and face my mistake and the reality of it, I still feel empty inside. That I have a big black hole in my heart.I've learned my lesson. Never sacrifice your family for someone elses, and when you have love hold on to it, never let it go. Because there is no next best thing. If you have love, real love then you are truley blessed, never let it go, and appreicate it and be thankful. As for me, I wonder around lost and empty, and maybe I deserve that, maybe that's what karma had in store for me. I just hope my suffering will end someday, and that I'm able to get a second chance at real love. If I do, I will cherish it and never take it for granted.


Any advice would be greatly appeciated, or similuar stories to know I'm not alone.


Thanks for reading,

Angela

awarren98 awarren98 31-35, F 13 Responses Aug 13, 2011

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We all make mistakes, but no one deserves what you went through. I think that in order to ensure you never walk that path again, you have to be totally honest with yourself. A person doesn't abandon their own kids and family froma desire to help someone else. I'm sure you felt sorry for him, but the bottom line is that you wanted away from the stress you had at home with a good man, so you left. That decision was about you and what you wanted to do. I believe you need to deal with that instead of telling yourself that you sacrificed your family to save another. You did what you wanted to do at the expense of everyone else in your life who loved and needed you. That choice cost you a lot of wasted years and regrests, but it's never too late to turn your life around if you really want to. You just have to be committed to learning from the mistakes of your past and not repeating them.

Angela, I admire your honesty and humility. I hope you are in a different place now that a few months have passed. I hope that you have been able to fully grieve from the pain that you've experienced through the school of hard knocks. I hope that you realize that our God is a God of Love and will cover your pain. You have a good perspective and a good heart…follow it and you will be blessed…I’m sure of it.<br />
<br />
I have a very different story, but hold a similar regret from leaving a woman who was a true soul-mate with me. It is a very very long story, and I have captured it in a couple of my EP stories. I am separated from a woman who has never loved me. She has never cared for me, and yet I have blindly gone back to her on a couple of occasions over our 21 year marriage...for good reason, but with hard consequences. Ten years ago she left me...during a time when I really needed her. I was always the steady provider....for our children, for her...and in every way I could - emotionally and financially. When I encountered a PTSD crisis from an extremely bad experience at work, she not only couldn't be there for me, she actually abused me more, and then when I sought counseling, she left. After she filed for divorce and filed for sole custody (and failed), and didn't want me for over a year, I moved on and found the love of my life. We dated for about a year, when my soon-to-be ex wife discovered our relationship and freaked out. She then frantically wanted me back. Eventually because I still loved her and loved our 5 children, I decided to go back with her... I thought I was doing the "right" thing, but in retrospect, I look back on it and see it as the worst decision of my life. Like I mentioned, we are separated again, and life has been even more painful this go around.<br />
<br />
My point...learn to accept the past and try to accept that God has a purpose in it all. Live right now and He will bless the desires of your heart. Thanks again for your story...it touched me deeply. Feel free to reach out.<br />
<br />
-David

Wow Angela.<br />
<br />
Let me just say that I am glad you are in a better place. Your strength is admirable. Just looking at all that you have done up to this point is something not all in fact very few can manage to cope with, let alone come out the other end with a positive outlook. You are an inspiration to women all over the world. I pray that your journey is filled with joy and happiness.<br />
<br />
Take care<br />
<br />
Scorp

Wow Angela.<br />
<br />
Let me just say that I am glad you are in a better place. Your strength is admirable. Just looking at all that you have done up to this point is something not all in fact very few can manage to cope with, let alone come out the other end with a positive outlook. You are an inspiration to women all over the world. I pray that your journey is filled with joy and happiness.<br />
<br />
Take care<br />
<br />
Scorp

Angela,<br />
<br />
OMG this is a sad story,I feel super bad for the decisions you made.You had the best guy in the world.Wow I feel a loss for words and I feel sad about this whole situation.<br />
You are about the most honest and truthful person I have ever read a story about.Most people try to justify even a little why they did something but you have come clean and have taken full responsibility for your mistakes.<br />
I think the best you can do is focus on your kids and family and try to get healthy for yourself and kids sakes.<br />
You probably have helped and will help others that read your story because some may be in the same situation you were in,good quality relationship but kinda thinking about seeing what someone else about.I hope they take a que from your story and really think twice and just come to their senses.The grass is rarely greener on the other side.<br />
Well my heart goes out to you and hope you heal one day and find happiness and one day not ponder the ultimate mistake you mad.Thanks for the story.

You are definitely not alone! There are so many stories like yours and mine. My 1st husband was like your 2nd guy. I had 3 kids by the age of 20 with him. He was just as possessive and jealous. I couldn't even close the bathroom door. I stayed with him 6 yrs. It was hell. I finally did meet a wonderful man who loved my children as his own and we had a wonderful marriage over 18 yrs. I am his widow. I had to take courses to get jobs to raise my children and I did it, happily. I did not marry my 2nd husband so he could support me, I continued working to help support my family, but we were all extremely happy. So you can, and will meet your special someone one day like I did.

Hi Angela, I read your story. You have gone through a lot. I pray that things get better for you.

Thank you for your story. I am also sorry for what you had to go through. I have become a broken person myself. We will heal though, but just maybe never will be the same. You know not to listen to your feelings now, and I know never to trust mine again. I am finally accepting the fact I am mostly a loner, and this is a struggle but truly something I need to face. Others rarely add to my life anymore, and that may be my fault, but I think iit is as is, and I will learn from it. I have my small circle of friends and that is good enough for me. I don't know if I will ever be able to make the relationship mistakes you've made because I don't think I will ever find someone to make those mistakes with. Oh well, you and your kids take care, and good luck on your schooling. Nice to see your face to (profile pic).

I was a broken person for awhile, however, I just picked myself up and forced myself out of bed everyday, to take care of my kids, go to school, and socialize. I have met a wonderful man that I am in love with. He is just like me, caring, sweet, funny, smart and has the same goals as I do.

We have been seeing each other for about 2mths, he lives a little further away, but I just spend a couple of days with him and he is coming to see me next month, after that he may move in with me. I'm so excited to start my life with him, he's been what i have been waiting for all my life. I am very happy at the momment, and I am happy we found each other. This time I hope I get things right. But, I'm not letting my chance pass me by.

I am so excited for you! My thoughts will be with you!

Hey Angela, <br />
<br />
I know what you mean by having someone to love. I had someone who loved me with all his heart and soul but I left him for this loser who is selfish and thinks about himself totally non supportive. <br />
<br />
I was pregnant once but got an abortion (even though I was against it) cause a child is a huge financial and emotional responsibility. I was financially not stable living paycheck to paycheck. I want ed to finish my studies and make sure I am independent. I have done medical school and i had decided no way in the world i am having a child unless I am sure I can handle it. My X is not married but trust me aftr you break someone's heart it is very difficult to have it back the same way as before. We were on and off and deep down my X could never forgive me, he still loves me and cares for me as his best friend but that quality of relationship is gone. <br />
I am into 3 years of solid psychotherapy sessions learning how to not be afraid to be on my own and live by myself. <br />
<br />
I am doing residency interviews now and followed by that i plan to get divorced and leave this person. I dont believe in fights I think if you dont get along move on. Also as far a abuse I come from childhood abuse family. and I became an abuser shouting screaming was sort of my thing, but i dont think i would let anyone abuse me. I would harm that person if they try to. <br />
<br />
If he slaps you i would say punch him or kick his balls and leave right away a man who cannot respect a women is not worth it. <br />
<br />
Finding love is not easy but nothing is easy in this world. Life is a series of ups and down. Take each day as it comes. <br />
I feel for you. I was in counselling before and i saw so many single mom that it scared the **** out of me. I myself want to be one but after my residency when i can make enough to take care of myself and my child. You will find love I have full faith in you. You are a person that I admire for your courage and taking care of your children. I am sure you are struggling but hang in there you will see the silver lining soon. <br />
I will pray for you tonight before I sleep. <br />
Take care Angela.

ty, your words are very kind. I recently have met someone he is a wonderful man. It feels good to be in love again. :)

Angela,<br />
I am still crying. It is so hard to see what you have, even when it's right infront of you. I can't say I have left someone I shouldn't have, infact, I have a long, dark pattern of picking men that catch my sympathy. I still wonder what Scott (the one I left), is doing, if he has already found someone to shack up with, if he even thinks about me or the baby i'm carrying. It is so hard to feel anything for yourself, when the person you devoted yourself to doesn't respond. I never doubted his love, but his love for booze and for himself is much stronger. Angela, I feel that depression, that emptiness, that feeling of self hate, I wonder now, why me? What did I do to deserve the treatment he gave me? He would tell me after beating me, I deserved worse, or he should just kill me, sometimes I wish he had. Sometimes I feel like I deserved what he did too, like maybe I shouldn't have done things in my past...I just know I'm heartbroken and scared.

you didn't deserve that treatment. I know it must be hard being pregnanet and alone, but it's better than being with him. Abuser's will always say it your fault after they abuser you to clear their own conscienc. It's best you stay away from him, you deserve better. You should see if you community offers any support for domestic abuse victims, I think it would be good even to go to a group and inform yourself about his behavior and make yourself more aware.

I know you must still love him, but love and hurt do not go together. Be strong for yourself and the baby you are carring, do not allow yourself to be treated that way.

Good luck, I know you can get through this, and try to read about domestic violence, I'm sure you will get alot of infomation about what you are going through.

we all make mistakes, some irreversible, i did and pay the price every day. Some days are better than others. It is karma that u had to pay the price. That u keep paying it, it is more ur choice. Your ex husband has heard ur apologies and i hope he has forgiven u.<br />
He has remarried and is happy now. There goes his retribution for the pain he went thru. Life or God rather compensated him for the sorrows. <br />
So you are free to go on with your life. Ask God forgiveness if you believe and move on.,<br />
u cant drive a car by staring at the rear mirror. Else u ll crash which is what u go thru.<br />
Your mind is steering ur life backward when u should change gears and propell ur life forward.<br />
You owe it also to ur kids since u have exposed them to a mean guy.<br />
Your mistake has been to be oblivious to other s needs and the consequences of ur actions.<br />
Rushing blindly into decisions. Do you still want to blindly your life the same u lead urself to this mistake. Silence ur mind a bit, relax, life isn t over and things can come ur way, still, if u wish, ..., wish to stop focusing into the past, but rsther, heal ur soul by forgiving urself and being the best mom u have been to ur kids. Stop self centered, look away, look around, see there are other things in this universe more imoortant than a lost past. It s called the Future, left for u to build, it s a virgin land where u can start over, but u need to reboot ur mind. Take the lessons of the past, and put aside the bad memories.

That was a difficult story to read and I am very sorry you experienced so much abuse for so long. I couldn't help thinking that you reached out to this man during a period of fatigue, stress, and loneliness. To me that is at least somewhat understandable, perhaps instinctive. Yes, there would have been better ways to deal with the situation, but it is what it is. You have recognized a mistake and apologized to your first husband. I hope you can now forgive yourself, realize that you didn't deserve what you got in your second marriage, and find love once again. I think you are on the right track with your schooling and continuing to reach out. I wish you peace and happiness. Keep your chin up.

Thank you so much, I needed to hear that.

It was very brave of you to write thsi story and my heart goes out to you. <br />
<br />
So many of us have made bad mistakes that have affected many people and cannot be reversed.<br />
<br />
I guess one thing we can do is to tell others and try to prevent them making similar mistakes<br />
<br />
I sincerely hope you fall in love again with a wonderful man.