So Very Sorry

I have never been too good about saying that I'm wrong, but I was wrong. When Jamie left me, I was the man at fault. It kills me every day that I lost her, and I have been waiting two years to try to win her back.

I've known Jamie since I was in Junior High. She was a couple years younger, but she was so beautiful. Look at the picture, you can't argue that she's not beautiful. She wasn't the type I normally went for. She was too sweet and innocent. But I couldn't help myself I had to talk to her. She was shy as hell and I guess I had a reuptation for being a rough guy but when I was around her I wasn't mean at all anymore. We were friends for a while before we started dating.

We dated for a few years. I stayed in town and worked there to be near her after I graduated from school. She always did well in school. I figured when she went to college I'd move with her no matter where she went. When she graduated high school I was going to ask her to marry me. I even bought a ring the summer before her senior year. She still doesn't know about that.

At the beginning of her junior year Jamie found out she was pregnant. It was upsetting for her more for her than me. We'd been sleeping together for a long time. Her family was upset but I don't think it was a secret we had sex. Everyone had always joked it was like we were married already. I knew I had to step up even though I had no idea how to be a dad. My dad isn't much of a father and I knew I didn't want to beat my kids like he did us.

Annette was born and Jamie was a natural but I wasn't. I kept trying to be but I was so afraid of screwing up. I wasn't making enough money. I was ******* up left and right and Jamie was depressed. It was almost two years ago that we broke up. We were fighting of course, all we'd done since Annette was born was fight. She was screaming, I was yelling and I shoved her. I didn't hit her, but I might as well have. I don't think I've ever heard so much silence. I had always sworn to her that I would never lay a hand on her and I broke that promise. I didn't even stop her from packing up. I didn't deserve her.

I left town not long after she moved back home. I work and live in North Dakota now. I visit every few weeks to see my daughter. I see Jamie too. I went to counseling. I got my life together. I don't drink at all anymore. I don't smoke. I work harder than anyone I know. I wanted to be the man she deserved. I pay more child support than is expected of me. I'm a better dad now. I stopped being afraid of loving my child. Even Jamie says I'm better.

I don't deserve her. I still don't. But I love her. I tried to move on. I even dated a girl for seven months and broke it off a few days ago. I spent thanksgiving with Jamie and her family. They don't know I shoved her or they wouldn't let me near the house. We spent some time just the two of us talking before dinner. I already know she hasn't dated anyone since we broke up. I tried to feel it out, tell her I'd broken up with my girlfriend, but she isn't an easy girl to read. I don't know if I deserve her.

But I know she's a member of this website. I saw her on it when I went up to say goodnight. I hope she sees this. I still have that ring I was gonna give her and I wish I could give it to her now. I love her. I miss her. She's an amazing girl, and she just keeps getting better. I thought she was beautiful when we met but now she's stunning. And she's kind. She could have taken Annette away from me, turned her family against me but she didn't.

There's a photo of us. Nobody can deny that she's beautiful. I want her back but I don't think I deserve her.

mattandnetta mattandnetta
22-25, M
1 Response Nov 24, 2012

Well, i think next time you visit, you should definitely tell her how you feel and see if by any chance she feels the same way? You seem to definittely be meant for eachother, but maybe if you start dating again, wait a couple months before you propose.

I'm just worried if I come out and spill it all out she won't feel the same and ill ruin the friendship we have now

I'm sure she does.. You'll never know if you don't try!!