I have made many

And I know I will continue to do so.

I will make new ones and I will repeat old ones, and it is the latter which will cause me the biggest regret as I know that I when I made them in the first instance that was my lesson and I have disregarded that.

I will hurt others through my mistakes but no more so than I will hurt myself after I come out a suspended sense of reality and lack of conscience after making that mistake in the first place, becoming fiercely defensive to extent it is only when on my own, much later on that I will know it will hit me, all at once.

I make mistakes. I am human and a weak one at that.  I am a work in progress that needs to learn and detach from her mistakes and move on.

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13 Responses Aug 26, 2008

Thank you!! I needed you telling me that to 'hear' it. But when you say "No-one is more deserving of happiness and is more conscious of her journey than you."... this is true for *each one of us*. I have learned and gained as much insight from you, my dear friend. The interconnectedness of everything never ceases to amaze. Being conscious of this fact makes my challenges easier to face. Knowing I'm not alone, that we're, in fact, part of everything. Everything is a part of us. Now I only need whisper 'thank you' to the universe, for bringing your voice to me :)

Yeah.. that's what I think, too. And I know what you mean about the shock factor. Trouble is, it's so damn difficult to do this, sometimes. It feels like venturing into uncharted territory.. which I guess it kinda is. I'm just afraid I'll get lost there... or I'll turn around and discover I made a terrible mistake.. see.. I tied it back to the original topic, lol. Knew I'd get there, eventually.

<I>"Yet perhaps by distancing and not having the appropriate emotion, I am setting myself up to make same mistakes as I cannot translate the personal effect, or the emotional effect which in turn is perhaps what is chiding me in my lesson. Yet I can't summon that emotion automatically and sometimes fear that I have lost my conscience and make some of my major mistakes based on an attempt to regain some sense of living"</I><BR><BR>This rings a big bell with me. Particularly the last part. I'm wondering the same thing, about my conscience. Or is it that conscience is somehow part of ego and in particular superego.. the collective ego. Is it just that I'm no longer buying into everyone else's ideas of 'right' and 'wrong'? Wanting to just make up my own rules? <BR><BR>And about making major mistakes based on an attempt to regain some sense of living: The crossroads I'm talking about involves this.. do I follow my inner voice and pursue my own interests (which are seemingly selfish.. but feel like the path to my heart's desire) - and plunge myself into the unknown.. or do I play it safe and stay with what I know, and chance slipping back into a state I know I cannot be happy with long term? I thought somehow I could keep a foothold in one while exploring the other.. but it seems it may not be possible. I'm facing a possible upheaval in my life right now.. it's so hard to figure out where I stand.

FB: "The more we try to grasp for the message and internal truth, the more it evades us."<br />
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It seems when we are deep in the middle and things start falling apart, there is no way out. The more I try to use logic or 'think things through', the worse it seems to get. When I step back from my thoughts and just try to accept what is happening, I can find a place where I know everything will be ok. The problem seems to be staying there, in that place. If I detach myself from the situation.. realize that the situation isn't me.. I can deal with what is happening. But then I seem to be devoid of 'appropriate' emotion.. When I allow myself to be in the situation again, the emotion comes flooding in. <br />
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Yikes! What is happening to me? Sorry guys, maybe this is too off topic and irrelevant and just a vent session for me. But I think we can all relate to one another's pain and confusion and lack of direction in knowing what to do, so I'll leave this comment here.<br />
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So what do we do when we are stuck? Right now I'm facing major issues in my marriage. I've been evolving as a person, and this has changed the dynamics of my primary relationship. I guess I should really start my own thread, here.. I could go on and get into a lot of personal details. But the short of it is I am right now standing at a crossroads. I thought I could travel two parallel roads at once, but it seems this will not be possible. Not without deception involved. I have been learning to express myself and be open, and this actually seems to have amplified the problem.. or at least brought everything to a crossroads where I need to make some sort of decision.<br />
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Again, I'm sorry for unloading all this here.. maybe we can put all our minds and hearts together to figure something out. I feel good about the company I am in here, so it just feels 'safe' to be doing this.

Thanks Dee. I hit bottom in 1997. Bounced back, fell into the same pattern again. The difficulty now is nothing like 1997~99. Back then life was hell. Now life is actually pretty good, just i keep making this same mistake. The overall feeling now is more tiredness and frustration. I may hit bottom but may not, and its frustrating how endless this is, with no easy way out...<br />
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((flutterbly)) so sorry about hijacking your thread, i should start my own, just dont have the courage. Its really depressing to talk about and have to field questions. I've started discussions before and just deleted them.<br />
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Chris, this is your big challenge. I can really feel your turmoil. I wish I had some easy answers for you, but I just don't. Sometimes, perhaps, we just have to hit bottom before we are really, really ready to turn things around. You sound to me like you could be getting close. Know your friends are here.. to provide comfort, insight, or just an ear to listen.

Hey guys. Can i join the conversation? <br />
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I'm too ashamed of my own life crap to start a story on it with specifics, but what gets me most down is getting caught in a behavior pattern and it develops its own momentum and you cant seem to escape, cycling over and over making the same mistake over and over and over... <br />
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So many forces at work that maintain the pattern. Inner thinking patterns, emotional patterns. Outside are other people with their patterns, which often keep you spinning. <br />
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I've been caught in one of these painful cycles for decades now, and have become very very very tired of it... but still, i'm spinning... no escape in sight.

*curtsies*<br />
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I get to lead! tee hee<br />
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(watch out for your toes!)

It takes two to tango ;) Cha cha!

Very good, fb.. becoming complacent is a big obstacle.. just accepting and not looking past. We need to have some awareness which causes us to look past, go deeper, to see the lesson contained in the situation. Often, we do not do this. This is a good question to keep asking ourselves.. what can I learn here? How could I do this differently, next time? You've got me thinking! Thanks, my friend :)

LOL.. I was always a daydreamer (still am). It does get me into trouble, sometimes.<br />
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You said, "Everything should be treated as a lesson in life and perhaps we are brought back to the same ones for a lesson we did not fully comprehend the first time, or we would not lead ourselves there again".<br />
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I think this is so true. Don't feel bad about having to repeat the same lessons over again.. it happens to the best of us, lol. But paying closer attention does help.. I have to remind myself to do this (when I remember - ha ha). When we are ready, we will move on.

Mistakes are there to learn from.. sometimes we need to repeat, over and over, before it all really sinks in. Sucks, eh? LOL :)

Mistakes ... that's how we learn too.