Wasted Years

I have wasted the biggest majority of my life . I am a recovering meth addict who has to deal with things i chose to do in my past everyday that i wake up. I have 3 beautiful children who are grown now but I was very selfish and chose me over them ,so my mother ,who I love with all my heart done most of the raising of my children. I did not realize then that one day I would be willing to give my life to just have them forgive me and give me a chance to show them that I am not that person anymore that i want to be a part of there lives . I fight my personal demons everyday ...some days it is so bad that I just want to give in and let them consume me ...BUT I CAN'T AND I WON'T because I am so afraid that they will fall into the same lifestyle I did. My choices throughout my life have greatly affected my children and I blame no one but myself ,it's just that I am still haunted by the face of my youngest daughter when I was finally arrested and sent to prison..... I get so angry sometimes at myself I wished I could die but I know that I would once again be being selfish and only trying to stop my on pain.... I have many years of broken trust with them that I want to repair and I am so willing to do whatever it takes. I can see things going on in their lives that make me want to run in front of them and turn them around because I have been in places I do not want them to ever have to experience. I can see the hurt in their eyes sometimes and I want to change that so bad. I let meth take me away from the arms of my children and now I ache to just have them spend time with me..... I can still hear my mother saying to me "You will wish one day that you could spend time with them"..... WELL I AM RIGHT WHERE SHE SAID I WOULD BE....I just want to see and feel the love from them again.....
shevelle shevelle
41-45, F
1 Response Dec 2, 2012

do your children want to try and have a relationship with you too?. I hope they do, or in time that they do...i made very poor choices in my life that greatly affected my kids as well...it was never drugs or anything like that...but they were still scarring choices. My son is battling a drug addiction now too....i can't help but blame myself for his choice.
It may be small comfort, but at least you DID change and are trying to rebuild your life...good for you

Thank you for sharing with me.... to answer your question I just dont know if it really matters that much to them if they do or not. I can just continue believing that with Gods guidance that it will get better.