Why Is It That I Seem To Make People A Priority, But I Am Always An Option...

I do not know why I seem to trust people and care about people that I don't even really know yet.  If I were to meet you somewhere I'd feel like we were best friends and just care about you and assume that you would care about me too.  Reatlity is I know most people have 'normal' boundaries so they don't  think that way about me, but I truely care about others.  I don't know why it is, but I care, and when I was younger it set me up for hurt sooo many times.  The thing is, now that I am 40yrs old, lived with the whole Navy Life for 16yrs of my 20yr marriage... had to pretty much do most everything on my own and alone I have become pretty much battle scared and broken.  I even gave myself agoraphobia? (I can't spell it, but being afraid to go outside?) I don't even like going out of the house alone to go shopping or anything.  I litterally get anxiety now realizing that people are ******!  No matter what good you are trying to do in the world, everyone seems to have their own agenda.

I had worked myself out of this "state of mind" and was helping out at the kids school volunteer and doing things with PTA, I eventually felt pretty darn mornal, and than it ended up that the PTA president that was elected bailed, pretty much left the PTA high and dry because she didn't think she could handle it.  She had been told it was an 'easy" job so when it ended up being more complicated she just gave it up.  I eventually stepped up and was PTA President and another lady who has become my friend was treasurer.  The whole year last year though we had the previous years PTA president (Who I worked with that year too as Treasuerer), completely undermining us.  I didn't realize it at the time, I TRUSTED him to be being helpful, and looking out for the PTA and me in particular as a friend!  We all double dated at times him and his wife and me and my husband.  We watched their son for them so they could go out, they were like Family in my mind.  And than I realized at PTA convention that his whole time on the PTA board etc... was a way for him to get on the School Board representative position.  OMGOSH!  How can someone treat others as just pawns in their game?  *Boggles*

So basically I am now back where I was...Scared to leave the house.  My friend that took over as treasurer last year will be president this next year, and I"m excited for her, but whenever we talk etc... It's all about PTA this and PTA that, and sometimes I wonder if SHE had an agenda too!!   I just do not understand how I tend to make people a Priority, put them at the top of my list emotionally and than they just think of me as optional.  Contact me when they want or need something. 

All these experiences now keep me in this "depression" that I can't seem to get out of.  I'd rather escape from life into a Video Game, Book, TV or Movie rather than just enjoy my life and be with my kids and family.  UGH!!  I've been up all night again!!  I don't know what to do, I don't want to take medication, I don't know who to talk with.  I figure I'm just wasting my life anyway, God will probably just take me from the earth and it will all be over.

This whole summer all the people that were my "Friends" when I was PTA president... NONE have called me to talk, I contacted them, but we haven't gotten together or anything. Or I get the message on my Facebook page... "Call me"... WTH?? Why not pick up the phone and call me than?  Why post it or message me that you want me to call YOU?? 

I am thinking I just need to not have friends, not interact with people....

MoonLightSecrets MoonLightSecrets
36-40, F
1 Response Aug 12, 2010

I can't comment on why the people you keep coming into contact with are the way they are...<br />
I truly wish you the best in finding at least one person with whom you can have a close relationship, without worrying that they are only in it to get something from you. Please don't give up...for as many meanies out there...I believe there are goodies too. <br />
I once read something that I felt spoke to me about relationships with other people (can't remember where I read it tho) and it went something like this...<br />
X has 10 people in her life that are important to her<br />
Y has 10 people in her life that are important to her<br />
X is an extrovert and Y is more of an introvert. On a weekly basis, X will contact 90% of those people she considers important, but Y will only contact 30%. Those 10 people are still important to both of them, but because socially or emotionally, the more introverted friend doesn't "find" the time...maybe because they want to read a book or watch a movie, or spend more alone time than X. It's not necessarily a reflection on how much she cares for them though. <br />
I am sure I didn't get that out as well as the person who came up with it...but it rings true to me to a certain extent, and I hope I was able to convey it...and I hope it helps maybe putting things into a different light.